[boring disclaimer]
The other day, I was mulling over why I don’t call myself an atheist when other people ask me my religion. After all, an atheist is one who denies the existence of a God. It occurred to me, by way of analogy, that I haven’t coined a term that defines my position regarding the existence or non-existence of a tooth fairy either and I certainly don’t go around telling people I’m one of those.
[/boring disclaimer]
So, uh, that’s my excuse for this list…such as it is.
10 Reasons Why The Tooth Fairy Is Better Than Jesus
Jesus doesn’t give you money.
The tooth fairy does her business without waking me up. Jesus comes with an angelic choir, stars, magi, and assorted other members of his entourage. Very noisy.
Nobody makes corny musicals about the Tooth Fairy.
Nobody has ever persecuted anybody else in the name of the Tooth Fairy.
The Tooth Fairy can fly; Jesus floats.
Jesus turns water into a cheap alcoholic beverage. The TF turns discarded biologic waste (an ecological hazard, mind you) into cold, hard cash.
The way I see it, you were doing your brother a favor as your act of charity had the dual purpose of giving him wealth and easing him into a new set of teeth. Hence, no persecution.
WHAT?!? A whole freaking dollor? And a toy?
That must be the rich people´s fancy tooth fairy…
(…but at least I never got any Digimons, as Anna H. claims on that page. Thankfully. Anyway, it would have involved time travel to get that back to the 1980s… but I´m sure the tooth fairy can do that, too! Never heard of the other guy doing that… In your face, Jesus! )
Anyway, after looking at the statues of Jesus above, I have come to the conclusion that Jesus is a pervert. That poor little girl in the golfing statue. Jesus is rubbing his crotch all over her and it looks like he is trying to undo her pants. :eep:
As for the tooth fairy, of course she flies. If she didn’t fly I wouldn’t have put my tooth fairy swatter on the ceiling when I was planning on mugging her. Too bad she was craftier than me otherwise I would have been rich. RICH I TELL YOU!
Actually, I prefer Wendy’s or Jack in the Box to McDonalds.
My servitor race the Deep Ones do like McDonalds alot though-whenever you see a fat, bloated customer at McDonalds, that probably a deep one wearing some human’s skin. Which explains why McDonalds is such a successful fast-food chain, despite their food being unfit for human consumption.
One major difference I’ve observed is that the Tooth Fairy is all too willing to ay extravagant sums for those teeth from individual childen. But Jesus buys in bulk, and Jesus Saves.
This reminds me of the excellent book Santa Steps Out by Robert Devereaux. Truly a hilarious read, though his version of the Tooth Fairy is slightly different than Slortar’s.
In the spirit, The Easter Bunny is better than Jesus because:
The Easter Bunny gives you candy before church, Jesus just gives you guilt.
The Easter Bunny likes to play games that don’t involve rubbing his crotch against you(e.g. Easter Eggs hunts).
The Easter Bunny has no problems with wanton excess, especially when it concerns candy. Jesus has some shtick about “things in moderation.”
The Easter Bunny visits once a year, Jesus visits once every 2,000 years (and counting).
The Easter Bunny gives out jelly beans. Jesus gives out stale bread and watered down wine.
The body of Christ has NOTHING on a tasty Easter Egg with salt and pepper.
Did I mention chocolate bunny rabbits? Jesus has no bunny rabbits. For that matter, Jesus has no chocolate.
The Easter Bunny has a cotton tail and long ears and is soft and fluffy. Jesus has no tail, regular ears, and probably isn’t very soft or fluffy at all.
The Easter Bunny provides you with useful baskets to keep your junk in later in the year. Jesus makes you carry baggage until confession.
You never have to ask yourself “What Would the Easter Bunny do?”
[hijack]
speaking of the Easter Bunny and chocolate rabbits, are there any places that sell chocolate Jesuses (Jesi?) I fugure if there’s already a supplier of baby Jesus buttplugs, a Cadbury Creme Crucifix shouldn’t be that tall an order.
[/hijack]
Jesus is rubbing his crotch all over her and it looks like he is trying to undo her pants. :eep: