10 Signs of a Professional Catholic.

The BBQ Pit
1

Growing up, my Grandfather always dubbed any excessively (read annoyingly) Catholic person a “Professional Catholic,” meaning that they looked at their religion as a second job.
My mom just converted to full Catholicism last night, and I am a bit worried about her. There is a great chance that she could end up suffering from “Born Again-ism” and suddenly adhere a bit too strictly to Catholic Dogma. As a way to tell, I’ve develped this list of 10 Ways to Tell that You Are a Professional Catholic:

[list=1]
[li]You buy an “In case of Rapture, Driver Will Dissapear” bumper sticker, for another purpose than to burn it as an offering to your Pagan Gods.[/li]
[li]You own the entire “Left Behind” boxed set, and pre-order your copy of the next book months in advance, to “beat the crowds.”[/li]
[li]You find yourself uncontrollably sculpting Jesus Fish out of mashed potatos.[/li]
[li]When you see someone about to eat a ham sandwich on a Friday during Lent, you get up, sprint across the restaurant, and dive between them and the sandwich screaming “Nooooooooooooooooooo!!” At the top of your lungs.[/li]
[li]You no longer watch the Weather Channel, because you feel that forecasters are “Playing God.”[/li]
[li]You masturbate to Jack Chick tracts.[/li]
[li]You no longer watch “Survivor,” because you feel that Jeff Probst is “Playing God.”[/li]
[li]You quit your job to develop “Jesus O’s,” a new breakfast cereal able to feed an entire family with just one bowl.[/li]
[li]You carry a bottle filled with holy water wherever you go, just in case somebody needs a baptisin’.[/li]
You no longer engage in marital sex, either. Just to be on the safe side.

2

Personally I find this post offensive.

Moderators, I suggest that even the BBQ pit is not a place for religiously insulting posts.

3

Whoa, Jester, you sure you’re getting your "Born Again-ism straight? Most of these sound more like signs of Protestant Fundamentalist Born Again-ism, though I’m not familiar enough with Catholic Born Again-ism to be sure how some apply. This one definitely does not belong:

Jack Chick is not the biggest Catholic support in the world. Check out the Last Rites strip, the Are Roman Catholics Christian strip, and the always popular The Death Cookie strip.

This one is certainly Catholic:

But this one just goes against Catholic teaching:

You gotta keep making more Catholics.

That one’s just plain funny.

4

I liked the Close Encounters reference, personally. Also, if they do #4 in slow motion, then you may have a terminal case.

As an aside, I feel your pain. My mom is a re-lapsed catholic. About three years ago, she started going to church again. She says she prays for me when she goes. I tell her to knock it off: I don’t want her drawing God’s attention to me.

Kipper: Lighten the fuck up. Personally, I find this sort of knee-jerk victimhood offensive.

5

Not a Catholic teaching.

Not only non-Catholic, but Anti-Catholic.

Possible, but a crucifix or chi-rho would be more in line with the Catholic imagery I remember from school.

Definitely Catholic. (Exclusively so, far as I know.)

See point 1.

See point 2.

See point 1.

Again, possible, but not likely.

See above.

see JeffB’s post.

A total of 1 ‘yes’ and 3 ‘well…perhaps’ - will give partial marks for them. Give a total of 2.5/10.

Tutututut, Jes, Jes, you could do so much better…

6

Actually, this isn’t Catholic either. We rely on our priests to do our baptisin’ for us.

Sounds Fundametalist/Ned Flanders-esque to me.

Damn funny. (It’s funny because it’s true!! [/Homer Simpson])

7

We don’t do joke threads in the pit. It’s perfectly all right to rant about something in an amusing way, but this forum isn’t for joke threads.