My daughter has gone out with a friend, exploring our new suburb (not a bad part of town). They both have phones with them. They’ve been gone for two hours. I think this is the longest she has ever been out on her own without adult supervision. That seems ridiculous in itself. In theory, I am totally fine with her wandering around, but for some reason I keep worrying about her, wondering what she’s up to and when she is going to come home. (It’s 11.30 in the morning.) I guess I am having trouble letting go - any Doper words of wisdom for me?
Disclaimer: I am not a parent.
I think it’s normal to worry. Especially if this is the longest she’s been away from home. But I don’t think your worries are a sign that anything is wrong. Twelve is probably a good age for her to start doing things independently like this. (When I was 12 I babysat with my 13-year-old friend - one of my first experiences of responsibility.) If you didn’t set a time for her to be back, maybe call her at noon and just ask her when she’s going to come home for lunch.
Today is Tuesday. Why isn’t your 12 year old in school?
Assuming she isn’t supposed to be in school today for whatever reason…she’s been out of your sight for all of 2 hours, in the middle of the day, in a self-described “not bad” part of town, and you’re worried? Really?
When I was that age, and not in school, kids were expected to be off doing kid stuff for hours at a time. Kids and adults preferred it that way.
I was curious about the school thing, too.
I presume the OP is in Australia, given the time zone. It’s currently school holidays here.
Do what most parents do; call her up under flimsy pretexts.
I can think of lots of reasons. Maybe they’re home-schooled and got their work done early. Maybe they attend year-round school and are off-track this month. My friend’s son gets September, January and May off, but goes to school the other nine months. My son’s school is on Fall Break this week and next because they are on a quarter system and started school in early August.
Back in my day, kids went out during the day without cellphones and came back when the streetlights turned on. Everybody came home fine as far as I remember. Relax.
She has a phone, and she’s not alone. You’ve already put her way ahead in the staying safe category.
I understand your worry but reckon it’s probably nothing to act on.
I ‘wandered’ (not the right word for the kind of purposeful things I did around town) unsupervised constantly since I was 4-5 years old, and nothing bad ever happened to me. Try not to worry, let her have some freedom. She has a friend and phone in case of emergencies, she’s all set.
I feel for you OP. This is why I won’t have kids.
I would call her, and tell her that if she is near a store, please pick up some light bulbs.
Hire a helicopter so that you can keep an eye in the sky on her.
Seriously, a normal 12 year old with a friend in a good neighbourhood should not require supervision during the day, particularly if both are armed with phones.
So, Weeds, did your daughter get home ok?
Regardless of your child’s age, you will probably always worry to some degree about her. It’s natural, it’s normal, it’s being a parent. What you do with that worry is important. She’s in a new neighborhood, you said she hasn’t been out by herself this long before, so naturally you’re thinking of her and concerned. But, you’re posting about it here instead of calling her 20 times or checking her coordinates on the GPS tracker in her cell phone, jumping in your car and tailing her. And you haven’t hired a private detective or body guard. That’s good.
At 12 years old, it’s normal for children to have a certain amount of freedom and begin making decisions on their own. That’s what all those lessons you’ve taught them are shooting for. And she’ll make mistakes and do dumb things cause she’s a kid. You just have to hope that you’ve taught her how to handle herself and given her the tools to make the decisions that aren’t too dumb or don’t jeopardize her safety.
She has a cell phone and a friend, so she’s likely just fine (and hopefully back home safely by now). It will get a little easier each time she goes out and comes home safely. But it’s still natural to be concerned. Heck, my oldest daughter is married and has two kids of her own. I STILL worry about her sometimes and I’m sure I always will. You love your child/children and want them to be safe. But you just learn to figure out which worry is just natural parent-worry and which worry needs to be acted on.
I’ve found that when I have a good plan for checking in with the kids and they know what the expectations are, it gives me a better yardstick to measure that worry factor. “Call me at 11am and just check in. Be home by 1pm or call if you’re stuck somewhere”. If they’re going to Sally’s house, have them call if they leave Sally’s and go to Suzie’s. Get them in the habit of checking in periodically just to touch base. You’ll both feel connected but not tied tight and you’ll be able to worry more or less, depending on whether they’ve stuck to the parameters you’ve set. Just a quick ‘Hi Mom, I’m fine, see you at 1pm’ does wonders for a mother’s soul!
At 12 I traveled all over New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut by myself(I lived in Brooklyn) and with friends. I didn’t pay so much as a nickel, so you can imagine the ways we got to wherever.
And we’re talking in the 1950s through some of the seediest neighborhoods in America. Once, my older brother made it to Ohio. By himself. At 13. I told my mother he was staying with friends for a few days, even though I didn’t know where the hell he was. He vandalized vending machines for change and drinks/food. Took him over a week but my mother was none the wiser.
Maybe this isn’t helping.
When I was 12, my mom let my 9 yr old brother and I go to Hawaii for 3 days by ourselves (I grew up in an airline family). We were gone for hours on end everyday. I would not be worried.
Thanks for the reassurances. I knew I was being over-protective but I couldnt shake it.
They came home when they got hungry. Then they went out again. Apparently they made themselves a ‘base’ in a nearby park. I told them to be back before dark, which they were.
It is school holidays here, for two weeks. In the past, she has gone to a friend’s house, or I took her to the beach or something like that. I guess she is old enough to have a bit of independence. She’s a good kid, sensible and all that. The gaps in her knowledge and judgement are kind of scary, though. Things that seem obvious to me, she just doesn’t realize.
I misread the OP, thinking she went out at 2330, not 1130. In the first case, hell yeah, you should worry; the second, meh.
IF you know she’s going out with a friend and a phone, don’t worry much.
The rules I had with my kid were 1) you can wander at will, but we have to know the general area where you’re going to be; 2) if you’re going to be a while, call us at x time just to check in; 3) if there are any deviations in rules 1 and 2, call in immediately.
He is now a well adjusted 20-something, and well able to defend himself.
I had a friend who “let” her two girls and my daughter, in their early teens, armed with cell phones, walk around her totally boring old suburban neighborhood. While she and I visited and talked, she would call up the girls every 15 demanding to know exactly where they were, and granting permission for one more walk around the block. This was as much freedom as she could bring herself to give those great big girls (and the rules! no crossing the main road to go to the school playground and go on the swings! check in every 15 minutes with their coordinates! no going into the houses of any friends who lived in the area! oh, and they had bikes, but they could only ride up and down on their street while she (my friend) was watching them because you just know kids riding on bikes attract speeding cars unless the mother is standing on the front porch watching them!)
Oh, it was just sickening, and to no one’s surprise, a few years later, we learned the girls had been across the highway visiting a secret boyfriend who worked at Taco Bell; had been in the houses of those friends and the parents not even at home!; had even gotten in a car of an older girl and gone for a ride. All the while pretending they were sedately strolling around the block. … of course, I had grown up in caveman days when I was out and about all day long unattached to a cell phone and no one demanding to know where I was at every minute. I thought my friend was overprotective and trying to micro-manage her kids. For her pains, the older girl moved out, into an apartment with the boyfriend, the day after her 17th birthday, and the younger one followed shortly after.
I dunno if that’s helpful, but that’s my experience with a helicopter parent who crashed/burned. I did let my own daughter go for walks at age 12, even cross the road to the park, but not alone (she wouldn’t have wanted to go around alone as long as a neighborhood buddy was around). If she was at someone’s house and was going somewhere else, or to the mall with the neighbors, of course she called and let me know. Never got into any trouble far as I know, except there was that one time she and her friends were out in the evening and saw that UFO…
I was babysitting for strangers by age 12. I’d ride my bike to the lake 10 miles away. I know the world has changed, but so much? Wow.