“I told you a flea circus was a bad idea!”*
*Two sentences. 
“This almond mushroom soup is delicious, Stephanie!”
He then noticed that she hadn’t touched hers at all.
They say that inside every fat man there is a thin man trying to get out. The terrible thin man stood over the fat, eviscerated corpse, laughing and laughing.
If you want to do it the easy way, sure.
We’re in the kitchen, just returned from dinner out at our favorite restaurant when the phone begins ringing. I don’t immediately understand my wife’s horrified expression until she says "That’s the intercom - someone’s calling from inside the house!"
Actually that’s no made-up story. It happened to us last Friday.
And…?
Power surge? Crossed lines? Intruder?
Is this the real Jackmannii posting to this thread?!?
She dripped rain all over his car as she slipped into the front seat, muttering, “Thanks for the ride, Mister”. And then he saw the teeth.
We all owe the gods a death. I work for the collection agency.
Hello, we’re here for your liver.
We finally buried Stalin!
In the same tomb Jesus was buried in.
“Just sleeping, it’s late,” I mumbled. Then I remembered that for six years, living in the city, I had been alone.
She had posed for SI’s swimsuit issue to pay for acting lessons. When he held the razor to her throat, the last words she heard were “Actress slash model.”
He sat on the toilet, ready to relieve himself. Suddenly something reached up through the water and grabbed him by the balls.
“You thought you were so clever, locking all the monsters out and swallowing the key. You should have realized you were locking yourself in with me.”
As I posted on a friend’s Facebook thread dedicated to this topic:
“For sale: baby shoes. Size 22.”
The light glistened off the doctor’s black-green carapace, and danced in his compound eyes, but as always, it was the scalpel that seized my attention. The mass of mandibles and coarse, wet fur that served as his mouth clicked and raspedat me: “Alright, Mr. Johnson, just a few more surgeries and you should be perfectly normal.”
When he smiled at me in the bar last night, I thought to myself, “He has really nice teeth.” But it turns out, they really make my jaw ache.
Wow, what a wild chick, what a wild ride, what a wild night!
Wait, what the fuck am I doing in a bathtub full of ice?
Awesome.
Only dimly awake, I felt my wife snuggling up closer to me. Then, through the haze of sleep and whiskey from the evening before, I remembered her funeral.