22 Signs

This was sent me by a coworker:


  1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

  2. You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”

  3. You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

  4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

  5. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”

  6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

  7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

  8. You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

  9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

  10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.

  11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.

  12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

  13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

  14. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

  15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

  16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

  17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

  18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

  19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

  20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

  21. Your idea of being organized is color-coded Post-it notes.

  22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

More forwarded e-mail. Some of you have this in your in-box.

The Night Before Sexmas

Twas the night before Sexmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa you Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney came Santa with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.
"He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And some other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A Cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I’ll leave 'em here, and then I’ll just split.
"He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!
"The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.