3.5 Year Old Gets Clingy, Doesn't Seem To Be Getting Better?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I know there isn’t a lot of parenting talk on this board, but I thought I would give it a try.

We (normally) have a very cool and calm 3 year old.

About six months ago (around when he turned 3), his mom and I had to attend a conference for a day and a half. It was local, so we picked him up at night and dropped him off in the morning, but it was one of the longest he was without us. At the end of it he was distraught because we were not there. I am not sure if this was just the first time we noticed the beginning of the clingy issue, or this was one of the tipping points that helped cause it.

Since then, he has only gotten worse. He doesn’t want to be dropped off for Sunday School at church, when he previously had no problems. A few weeks ago he melted down because we left for two hours (he remained at our home with his grandparents, who he adores, so not a distressing environment).

With a few exceptions, we have catered to him. Continuously, in words and in actions, we have showed that we will not abandon him. We do not make him go to Sunday School alone. But even when he is there, he attaches to our legs and won’t play with the other kids.

I figured this would be a phase, we would reassure him that we would never leave him, and we would all move on from this. Well, six months later… its not getting any better.

There have been no big changes in our family. No moves, no new family members. We haven’t even changed our shampoo!

Any thoughts? Does this happen to every 3 year old? Most people and websites talk about toddler “phases” as if they are a few weeks, but we are seeing no light at the end of the tunnel.

2

Separation anxiety it appears. I’d ask for some professional help here if for no other reason than to assure you ands your wife that he’s a normal child going through a stage.
Maybe avoiding stressful situations for a while would help. Let him miss Sunday school and other anxiety triggering events.
On the other side of the coin, in about 10 years you’ll be posting that he never wants to stay home, won’t go to family functions, and insists on wearing his hair in a way you hate.

3

Do you like your pediatrician? If so, talk to them. They can tell you what’s normal and what to try.

Have you tried talking to him about it? He may be too young, or he may be able to explain his concerns. It’s worth a shot.

I know at this age my son became very concerned about night time separation. We developed a routine, which included reassuring him that it was normal (important - NORMAL) to be scared about the dark (or in your case being separated), but that I would be in the house (you will be back). Identifying his specific concern, telling him it was ok to have that concern (not dismissing it) and then telling him what was going to happen worked for us. I think we went through a period of gradually longer absence: 5 minutes and then I’ll check, 15 minutes and then I’ll check, 30 minutes and then I’ll check, and so on. After you’re asleep, I’ll check again, before I fall asleep. You know where to find me if you need me. Remember, it’s ok to be worried, but Daddy and I are right here. It’s ok.

FWIW, that’s my advice. Find out what he is worried about and then address it as specifically as you can. Don’t dismiss it. Accept it and him. Build up a tolerance period that increases. Maybe let him call you if you are gone (with caregiver help) so he knows you are still there and ok.

4

I’m thinking the difference, of course, is in the 3 year old’s mind. He now has enough predictive modeling to realize that it feels awful to be without his mommy, and therefore the way to prevent that is to cling. Later, assuming reasonably normal development, he’ll be able to predict that it’s even better to be with his friends or playing Xbox instead of mommy, and this will stop. It’s nothing you did and it’s not a mental error he’s making, he just doesn’t have the mental capacity yet to act in a way you find convenient.

5

When my littlest (now 6) was about that age, separation anxiety manifested in a way that I have a hard time not believing wasn’t a bit manipulative.

Drop her off with trusted caretaker, and pitiful wails and flowing tears. For about 10 minutes, until she decided wailing and crying wasn’t going to help. After that, life was normal – playing, hanging out and chattering with the caretaker, making friends. But for 10 minutes, inconsolable.

YMMV. Daphne is a bit wily and manipulative even now, but 3 seems young for calculated emotional blackmail. Still, even a 3-year-old can figure out what works and what won’t.

6

The problem is that when you put it that way, you’re making a judgmental statement. You’re implying the 3 year old has enough brainpower to know that :

a. Manipulating mommy and daddy to my benefit is morally wrong
b. I’m going to do it anyway
c. I’m being bad
d. I don’t care, I’m still doing it

Instead of a simpler model of “this behavior works to get what I want, I’m gonna do it”

We judge and punish adults for their actions, albeit the theory behind doing this is rather shaky, but when we punish an adult for assault or murder, even though it’s the same logic the 3 year old uses - we assume they have the mental capacity to feel bad about doing it, know it’s bad, know it hurts the other person badly, know that they are acting in a way that isn’t going to be tolerated by society, etc. Therefore we can punish them for the crime because they should have known better.

Albeit this theory is probably complete bullshit and most serious crimes probably are just spur of the moment things with little thought put into it, committed by adults who are mentally limited in some way so they do not really do all the considering I just mentioned. (maybe they aren’t retarded but at the time, extreme emotions or drugs have shut down all the signals from areas of the brain that would have been processing all this)

7

Yes, we have done that. We have stopped going to several places that he used to enjoy because he stopped enjoying himself. This make me think it is not (entirely) him just manipulating us to get what he wants, because he doesn’t get as much fun anymore. When we go places, no one has fun.

I am sure we will get there.

I struggle with this, because it seems like a straightforward answer. Basically, don’t keep giving in and he will see that all the drama doesn’t get him anything, and then he will stop making the drama.

However, I am not sure if is “if I cry mommy will stay, which I like” or is it “I am genuinely terrified/stressed (for whatever mental reason).” If this the the former, then just ignoring it will work. He will give up the drama and we will all move on. However, if the latter is true, and he is truly terrified/stressed, then he just learns that “Mommy and Daddy will leave you, so best not look to them for comfort” which is not what I am going for.

I think our current pediatrician grew up in Soviet Eastern Europe and has a bit of a different threshold for what constitutes “a problem.” The child has all of his appendages and seems cognizant, no problems!

8

Right. This is why free amateur advice is worth what you pay for it, and backed up by the adviser’s impeccable credentials.

You know your child better than anyone in the world, I suspect. I can speak of my daughter in the terms I did because I know her. She’s very intelligent, very goal-driven, very stubborn, very social, and almost fearless. So we judged, for her, the distress at separation wasn’t going to be deep or long-lasting. She was genuinely unhappy with being parted from Mommy (Daddy, meh) but she had ample personal resources and incentive to let it go and make the best of a different situation (her BFF right there with here, all these toys she doesn’t usually get to play with, etc.)

If you suspect your son is deeply distressed by separation, then my experience isn’t applicable and you should trust your own judgment. Of course, separation is inevitable and necessary, so you’ll have to find a way to help him tolerate it, but what we did for our daughter may not work for you. I’ll say that we were particularly lucky.

9

Do you mean that e.g you used to go to the park, but he started to find it stressful so now you don’t go any more? If so, that sounds like not just separation anxiety, but general anxiety overall. Does that predate the conference trip?

I think a professional assessment could be helpful. The sooner you treat these things, the easier they are to resolve. Anxiety is a bit of a sneaky thing because it can go on for a long time before it becomes totally incapacitating. It is also very treatable.

10

Of course, children are supposed to be manipulative at that age. They’re taught that from the day of birth to cry and make noise to get their needs met. Mainly because infants/toddlers/children usually can’t meet their own needs, including emotional or supportive.

11

Have we a 3.5-year-old male-child here who is getting heavily into inappropriate touching already? A serious red flag for sure!

Quick, call the police and have that little proto-rapist arrested, prosecuted, sent to “reform school”, and clamped into an ankle bracelet for the rest of his life, before he can get out in the world and do some real damage!

12

If he was 9 or maybe 12 that might actually happen.

13

I refer you to a parenting classic: Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy?. He will grow out of it eventually.

14

Your best resource here is parents who’ve had an uber-clingy preschooler maybe one or two years previously who can tell you what they did and what happened next - which is not, of course, a cast-iron guarantee that it’s what will happen for you but is at least a vague roadmap. That’s not me so I can’t help you there, but I can tell you what I think about phases- they get longer the older your child gets. Multiple months or even years does not seem completely out of line for a preschool age kid - I can think of a few kids I know who for instance went through night sleeping issues for months or a couple of years that eventually just resolved. But obviously that intervening time was pretty brutal on the parents involved and they were pretty motivated to do everything they could to make the phase as short as possible.

You don’t know in advance, sadly, how short "possible " is in your particular case.

I think you’re right to, as you seem to be, not be ruled by the "10 minutes crying and then they’ll be fine " rubric that people throw about. Everyone says that kind of thing because 99% of the time it’s true if you’ve got a random child in front of you- but you don’t have a random child, you have your child, and you already know he’s a 1%-er in this regard right now.

Going and seeing a professional, even just to ask about strategies, seems like a fine idea.Clinginess is "normal " but so is not sleeping and people take their kids to sleep school all the time. The current situation sounds a bit miserable for all concerned, especially your kid, who I’m sure isn’t enjoying being how he currently is.

15

I have no idea why you thought this was an appropriate comment for this thread. Don’t post in here again.

16

Do you know how he acts when you actually leave him? Have you talked to his grandparents or Sunday School teachers about what happens if you just leave?

I work in a preschool, and we have kids who cry when their parents leave-- most just for the first two of three days, but some up to the first month. However, as soon as the parent is really gone, and clearly out of range, the crying stops. We even take surreptitious pictures of the kids not crying, and text them to the parents.

Now, these kids were sometimes crying, screaming, and throwing themselves at their parents. They seemed genuinely distressed, and heartbroken. But when the parents were gone, the tears stopped. A few would keep it up for five minutes or so, but they’d figure out that Mommy or Daddy was out of range, and they might as well make the best of it.

The kids who had the hardest time were the ones whose parents lingered. When it looked like the crying was working, the kid would calm down a little, then the parents would start to leave again, so the crying would stop again, and the parent would come back, and so on, and so on. Those were the kids who could cry for a full ten minutes after the parents left, and would try crying for weeks into the school year. The parents who dropped the kids off and said “Bye,” and ignored the beginnings of any protests, had kids who never cried beyond the first few minutes of the first day.

I don’t know what to say about the OP’s son, though, because he already knows that crying works. It’s going to be a tough habit to break. I’m sure it’s breakable, though. It might mean a couple of rough days, and a few firm "We will be back later. You will be fine"s, but he will get it.

Now, I haven’t seen the child in question, but I have seen dozens and dozens of children dropped off at preschool. I have seen dozens of children cry. They sound like their limbs are being ripped off, that’s how distressed their crying can be; it’s just awful. But they still get right over it.