Okay, first I was SHOCKED at the notion that someone would pay $200 to see the Eagles … but now I realize that the cost includes the travel from Canada and such, right?
I don’t think you’re a big jerk for being disappointed, actually. Everyone else who has pointed out that you shouldn’t expect a gift is absolutely right, but I get why you are disappointed in this scenario and you have my sympathy. This is not to say that I think your GF was wrong, or that she should have sucked it up and gotten the tickets/trip anyway, but just that life is full of disappointments that are not really anyone’s fault.
Which is good. We don’t live together (yet). So the whole joint present thing buying something we need just isn’t in place yet. We don’t have “family” if by that you mean kids and stuff. I don’t expect presents from anyone else but my SO and will not get any other gifts from anyone but her.
Is it in place for a couple that does not live together? I would be surprised if that was so.
Putting aside the whole story of the gift, are all of you seriously trying to tell me that you don’t expect a gift from your SO on your birthday?
Ok, but in your original post you distinguished from how you show your love by buying things and she shows her love by doing things. What you may have here is a simple failure to communicate. She may feel (perhaps wrongly, as I also misinterpreted you, I think) that her gifts of gestures and actions are insufficient, and you are judging her for failing to spend cash.
To me, a present is a thing, not an action. This is a definition problem, that can grow into a relationship problem. If you are not judging her for her failure to purchase material objects, make sure you let her know that the “present” you are expected could be something like a special dinner. When she says, “what can I get you?” you can answer “make me [favorite food]” or “lets go out to [favorite restaurant]” or even “can you get my car detailed” or whatever you would like.
You’re the one who keeps calling me delusional, why are *you * so pissy? :dubious:
The “truth” is that anyone who expects their SO to unwillingly spend $500 on a birthday gift* is kind of a tool.
*And what the hell is this “big” birthday thing? The last “big” birthday I had was when I turned 18. That’s when I became a grownup and stopped expecting other people to meet my material and emotional needs.
We do show our love in different ways. It comes from our families, as someone posted above. The description there was basically the exact situation. Her family is into gestures, my family is more into gifts.
She, unless she is reading this (a remote possibility), has not had any of this said to her. I was disappointed, I am disappointed, I hoped I would get what I want most. Yes this is selfish and jerkish behavior. Expecting a gift of some sort, yes a material thing in the vast majority of cases, is not. To say expecting a gift is wrong is purely delusional IMO. Sorry but that is just the way it is with most people who do not view birthdays as just one step closer to death.
Dude, she’s more or less told you already she’s going to celebrate your birthday and get you a present. You’re still going to have your big 3-0 day, you’re just not going to get $500 football tickets. Which you can afford to buy yourself anyhow.
So sure, I’ll admit, I expect my boyfriend to get me something for my birthday. But a $500 present? No way, we don’t have joint finances, I have no business putting a claim on that much change.
This is very true. I think I said the same thing, not as eloquently as you however.
DianaG, are you even reading what I am writing? To reiterate:
I admit to being a jerk in thinking my OP. I wrote it down because to say this to her would be stupid and hurtful to her. That is one of the reasons we have this forum and supposed anonymity of the boards. I agree with your truth. To expect a certain gift if jerkish, a tool, whatever.
To expect a gift of any sort is normal.
Again, the “big” birthday thing. I have already explained that it is common around here, in my social group. Perhaps it isn’t in yours, but how many times does someone have to say something before you understand people do things differently then you?
Who are you calling delusional? If I want something, I buy it. I never ask for anything for my birthday, and aside from a kiss and a card, I never get anything from my wife (together 12 years now). Not everyone out there has this pitiful preoccupation with the whole gimme-gimme-gimme mentality over a day that, to some of us, means absolultely nothing.
Are you being a big jerk? Honestly, I’d say more like a big baby.
Dude, I got a keychain from my wife less than a year after I bought her a laptop, and I paid for the key chain. Expecting something from your SO means a card or dinner or something, not the one exact thing that’ll make you happy forever and always (or until next season).
Jeez. As has been mentioned before - you’re 30 not 13. At 30 you should be pouting about not getting birthday sex, not about not getting football tickets.
Read your first post. Your GF does nice things for you to show her love. Those are gestures. You prefer buying and receiving things. These are presents.
Not everyone expects a present from their SO on their birthday. A lot of people are quite happy with gestures. Some people are content with nothing.
I don’t think its unreasonable to expect a present from someone who knows that’s the kind of thing that makes you happy. But I do think it’s a recipe for disappointment and resentment to desire a particular present so much that you take things personally if you receive something else. I’d say the same thing if your GF was here complaining about a boyfriend who never opens the door for her or close the toilet lid but still does other nice things to show he cares.
Her language of love different than yours. Both of you might want to learn to become bilingual for the sake of the relationship.
Is this a whoosh? Because that’s exactly what I’ve been saying. And *you’ve * kept insisting that people who do things differently than you do are delusional.
You really are having a hard time with this aren’t you? So once again, no I would not expect anything at all from my SO of 6 years. The best ‘present’ he could get me on my b-day would be to forget that I was having one. (for point of reference, I am 32 and have felt this way since I was about 18)
I understand that you feel differently, why can’t you understand that as well?
Well, you girlfriend obviously comes from a different social group too, and she’s made it clear that she’s not about to adopt your custom of celebrating birthdays by spending gobs of money. The majority view in this thread is that her perspective is perfectly reasonable, why does she have to be the one to change here? I’m with DanBlather, is this seriously something you want her to change about herself? If you want a joint bank account, would you really want her buy extravegent presents every time a friend or relative has a birthday?
It’s my turn in three weeks, and I wouldn’t mind that happening at all. Except for my ex. She has to get me something. But just because she’s so damn good at it.
Where did I say her perspective is not perfectly reasonable?
Hell even in the OP I basically said I knew I was being a jerk.
I have also said that I only expect a present from my SO.
Solfy summed it up better then I could/did, so well you even said Ditto.
Most people expect a gift from their SO, particularly when they aren’t married, they don’t share finances, they don’t live together, etc. DianaG it was not a woosh, it was saying the same thing back to you. Just because you don’t doesn’t mean it is not a normal thing to do.
To say it once again: To expect a certain gift is jerkish, childish whatever. To expect any gift is normal.
I would not mind in the least if my b-day passed with no acknowledgement whatsoever by anyone. Same for Father’s Day, our anniversary, etc. If I want something, I buy it.
If you are not judging her for her failure to purchase material objects, make sure you let her know that the “present” you are expected could be something like a special dinner. When she says, “what can I get you?” you can answer “make me [favorite food]” or “lets go out to [favorite restaurant]” or even “can you get my car detailed” or whatever you would like.