I have kidney stones. Luckily, because of my kidney disease, they just kinda float around in my kidneys. It’s like dropping a few marbles in a 5 gallon bucket- they have lots of room to move and they don’t bother me.
My mom constantly nags about how I should be drinking cranberry juice. “You know, it flushes out your kidneys!” “It will break up your kidney stones!” “Cranberry juice is the BEST thing for your kidneys!”
Dad just called. Mom is in the hospital.
(wait for it)
Kidney stones.
“Gee, she musta not been drinking her cranberry juice, hunh?”
Yes, folks, my dad just grounded me for being a smartaleck. How he will enforce it, I dunno. Take the car keys away, no biggie. How LilMiss will get home from school would be unknown. Please ground me from the phone. I’m phones for work today.
Allowance? I’ve never been one of those special people. My mom would hand me a few bucks every once in a while, but dad believed that kids didn’t need spending money (“You’ll just spend it on candy and crap like that!” Duh!)
Dad called back, mom is going to have surgery to get rid of the buggers later today. I asked if I was still grounded- Should I drive over and take out the garbage? Do the dishes? “Smartass!” You wouldn’t love me any other way, Dad, and you know it!
With all the health problems my family has been dealing with over the past few years (Dad has terminal cancer, Mom has had a “pre-stroke”, issues with cholesterol and blood pressure, me and my kidney woes), it’s kinda nice to JOKE about something that doesn’t scream Death at us, you know?
Hmm, I wonder if she’ll flip her lid if I bring a huge jug of cranberry juice to the hospital tonight?
I’m sure you got your fabulous sense of humor from somewhere in your gene pool… If it were me, I couldn’t stop myself from rubbin’ it in. And if it were my mom, she’d laugh.
I think sarcasm and humor are the best ways to deal with family medical crises. Definitely take her a giant jug o’ cranberry.
When my mother had surgery to insert a shunt in her ureter (because the kidney was not draining and she was in a lot of pain), I sent her a huge bag of kidney beans. She thought it was hilarious.
This is the same woman who circled the correct side with a Sharpie prior to the surgery so the surgeons wouldn’t cut into the wrong side.
I would have done that anyway, and not to be funny. It’s such a high-adrenaline, high-stress, fast-paced job that I’m sure it would be easy to forget which side to cut into–I probably would.
Hell, I’d probably write “Check for Instruments” while I’m at it.
Then again, I’ve always had something of a fear of surgeries. Good thing I’ve never had to have one–the adrenaline would probably override the aenesthetics!
My wife has a history of fatty tumors in her legs, and they have to come out on a semi-regular basis. The surgeon would as SOP circle the areas of interest with a Sharpie in pre-op.
One time, when the tumors were coming out of one leg, I brought a washable marker of my own, and played tic-tac-toe with the old quack on her other (good) leg…
When I had knee surgery I was required to mark the correct knee, with the doctor’s initials, so that I couldn’t possibly be in the wrong surgical suite. I was told to do it the night before.
Many hospitals now require such felt-tip notations. I had to write my initials on my right hand as I was being prepped for hand surgery. I still have the “Surgical Marking Pen”. It probably cost my med insurance company $40.
By the way, in the pre-op briefing, the doc wrote “left” hand on the “hand to be operated on”. He thanked me red-facedly for catching that.
She’s doing dandy now. Does not remember ONE SINGLE convo had with her when she was on morphine.
MT: “So, how’s the drugs?”
Mom: “I doan wanna beh-come ah-ahDICTed to this, uh, stuff”
MT: “24 hours of morphine? Trust me, Ma, I don’t think we’re gonna find you down on Lake Street hoping to score”
Mom: “You. are. not. fuh-h-ny”
Today she got to go back in for a colonoscopy and my dad had his cancer treatment.
Maybe I’ll go over tonight and discuss politics. Or my lack of religion. I figure if they have someone to hiss at, they’ll feel better in no time.
Oh, and when I had ACL reconstruction I also took a Sharpie and wrote YES!! on my left knee and the universal red circle with slash through it on my right knee before I got to the hospital. Good thing my surgeon had a sense of humor.
I would have done that anyway, and not to be funny. It’s such a high-adrenaline, high-stress, fast-paced job that I’m sure it would be easy to forget which side to cut into–I probably would.