It’s their money.
It’s good for the economy.
But more the first than the second. The sense evinced by some people above that it’s wrong for someone to spend so much more than the average Joe on a wedding, or indeed on anything at all, is simply crazy. What part of “it’s their money” mystifies you? Who cares that it’s more than many people make in a year? How is that remotely relevant to the issue?
If her family has the kind of money where 65k is a drop in the bucket, then why not? I know if I had that amount I could throw one incredible party. I probably wouldn’t, since 65k would be a hefty chunk off our mortgage, but it’s fun to think about. I agree that people who spend money they can’t afford on weddings deserve all the scorn they can get (especially if it’s on stupid shit that nobody will notice like “we paid $5000 to get our napkins embroidered by specially trained albino pigeons”).
My fiance and I are still tossing around wedding ideas and the latest iteration is for me to wear my favourite dress, get married at the registrar’s office, and go out for ice cream and pizza afterwards. It doesn’t make us any more noble than people who spend 10k or 10m on their weddings; we just have less money and different priorities. I’m the sort of person who can easily get sucked in by that sort of stuff so I’ve been avoiding bridal magazines.
I can’t really think of any other event that, cross-culturally, always demands a great big party. Not births, not deaths, not anniversaries or even religious holidays. If people only have one great big party in their lives, it’s their wedding.
So, it’s their money and they’re free to do as they wish–and they’re carrying on a centuries old, pan-cultural tradition. More power to them.
Me, I just want a courthouse ceremony and then a party at the house with lots of red roses and seafood.
Some people spend more than that on a car, or on a piece of jewellry, or on a debauched gambling spree here in Las Vegas.
I used to thing spending a lot of money for a wedding was stupid, but a friend of mine from NYC told me that it is a big deal for some families - and he also mentioned that guest usually put a nice check in the envelope and most couples come out pretty good - some even make money off the deal, so it is a kind of investment and a tradition in certain circles.
As others have said, it might also be a prestige thing with the family - often it is a combination celebration and business event - to be in the papers, to be able to invite the “right people”, to show your status, etc etc.
Would I spend that money on a wedding? Well, I am Gay and so far the question is a moot point here in Nevada, but the answer would be a resounding, “no!”
I happened to catch a repeat of The Sopranos where one of the mob bosses’ daughters was getting married and he told Tony the wedding cost $425,000. I remember thinking, “what a gaudy, tasteless waste of money”.
But hey, parents spend a fortune on kids’ birthday parties and a friend of mine told me about a Bar Mitzvah in Madison Square Garden where the parents hired some of the Knicks to play basketball with their son and his friends…
I think there are two big issues, first it is the parents money. They can do what they want. At the same time, I think there is an issue with over spending on weddings that is not related to this particular wedding.
A woman I work with got married. She took out a 25,000 loan for the wedding. That is about half her yearly wage. She is going to be paying off the wedding for years. This particular lady is very bad with money (she has freely told me some of the things she has bought*) and is never, ever going to have any unless she changes the way she does things. She just doesn’t know better. I’ve given her some stuff on investments but doubt she has read it (note, she asked for the info).
Anyway, it is still the families choice. If they are spending more than they can afford, which it doesn’t sound like they are doing, it is not a good thing. Too many people are totally clueless when it comes to money but they have the right to be that way.
Slee
*This woman bought a used car, equivalent to mine though mine was new and a bit nicer, for roughly 2 times the price once you factor in the deal she made on it. I was absolutely amazed at what she paid for it. She then ditched that car and got a different car and once again paid roughly 2 times as much as she should have for a used car. I figured that she spent ~55,000 on the whole deal to end up with 19,000(maybe) used car. She got rooked. The sad thing is she doesn’t even know it.
If I was going to have a $65K wedding, I would want to do something epic like 25-30 friends and their SO’s on a cruise ship. Week worth of Mexican riviera with lots of activities or maybe shave off a few couples and do a 2 week round trip hawaii.
That would be a hell of a wedding celebration.
Spending big money on weddings can have a cultural basis, as SpiralStairs says - my husband’s family are Italian and many of them save for years for their children’s weddings. They often invite hundreds of guests (the biggest one I’ve been to was 650 people), with an open bar, live bands, 5-6 course meals etc.
To people like my in-laws, it would be embarrassing asking their relatives and friends to a wedding where the guests were not provided with the best hospitality that money could buy.
Its all relative. My first reaction is that its stupid and who are they trying too impress. But if they are bizillionaires its not a big deal. If they are going in to debt to put on this wedding thats just crazy stupid.
Wow. I have to say, this sentiment and others like it in this thread are absolutely stunning to me. I am surprised that people can be so judgmental about how other people spend their own money.
Look, I have no problem with anyone saying, “That’s not the kind of wedding I’d want / prefer.” And I agree that anyone who breaks the bank for their wedding and causes themselves to experience serious debt or go without necessities as a result is a bit irresponsible and foolish.
But some of what’s going on in here seems really out there to me. There seems to be a prevailing sentiment that spending a lot of money on a wedding is automatically and in and of itself a sign that the couple is shallow, pretentious, and trying to show off. I don’t buy this. The friend who I mentioned in my earlier post is a musician, as is his now wife. They met in the context of being musicians. For most of his life, my friend has loved big band music. For his wedding, he hired a pretty well-regarded big band, which played for the cocktail hour and the entire reception (so from 4:00PM-12:00PM, or 8 hours). I don’t know exactly what he paid, but there were 9 instrumental musicians and three singers in the band; each one probably plays for $100-$150/hour on freelance gigs. Do a bit of quickie math, and he likely paid more for his band alone than I paid for my entire wedding. Is he shallow? Was he doing this just to show off? No. He just loves big band music, and knew this was probably his one shot to have a real, talented group play exactly the music he wanted to hear. And his new bride had the money, so who was hurt?
I figure, if you can afford it without putting a major dent in your real-life budget, and if you’re doing it because it’s what will genuinely make you happy and not to impress or satisfy your guests, then any amount spent on a wedding is morally and ethically neutral. There are a lot of people in this thread competing to see who can want the cheapest wedding: “Oh yeah, well my wedding’s going to be in a cardboard box on I-95, and the meal will be roadkill, and I’m not buying a dress, I’m wearing windowshades.” If that’s what you want, fine, but it’s not better, morally, then a fancy party with all the trimmings. The couple who spends $65,000 on a wedding because that’s what it costs to have what they most want, and the couple who spends $1,000 because that’s what it costs to have what they most want - they are the same, in my mind. Meanwhile, the couple who spends $65,000 because they’re trying to show off their wealth is the same in my mind as the couple who spends $300 to make some kind of point.
Romantic means different things to different people. To koeeoaddi, it means whirlwind elopement. To others, it might mean acting like royalty for a day. As long as its motivated by honest sentiment, I think it’s sweet, whatever it costs.
I certainly don’t understand the logic behind the idea that couples that have expensive weddings are likely to have weaker marriages than couples that have inexpensive weddings. I see no connection between those things.
So you, personally, don’t think a wedding is worth spending a lot of money? Good! I guarantee that you have spent some amount of money on something in the last year of your life that someone else thinks is excessive. No one gets to claim some kind of superiority purely on the basis of how they value certain experiences.
Oh, I understand the logic. With a big elaborate wedding, there’s the suspicion that the people involved (usually the bride) are in it for the wedding, not for the marriage. In other words, that they’re getting married because they want a big expensive party where they’re the center of attention, not because they want to spend the rest of their life with the person they’re marrying.
I don’t know how accurate that is, but the logic does make a certain sense.
There’s also a certain amount of “envy the rich” attitude you’re seeing here: “rich people are shallow,” “rich people think money buys happiness,” etc.
I agree with the posters who said if they can afford it, good luck to them.
If the choice is between a wedding or a house, I think the house is a much better idea. But presumably the choice is between having a house and a fancy wedding, or having a house and buying a yacht.
If the amount of money causes debt worries, or gets everyone worked about about having things perfect, it’s not worth doing.
But I can’t see why wealthy people shouldn’t spend their money.
I have a home computer network 
which cost nearly £3,000 ($6,000). To someone working part-time, this could be a year’s salary. :eek: That doesn’t make it a foolish waste of money.
For what it’s worth, the happiest wedding I went to was held in a community centre with sandwiches served on trestle tables. But the bride and groom were (and are!) lovely people and the speeches were really funny. 
Honestly? Who freakin’ gives a shit? It’s their money, their wedding, and if that’s how they want to spend it, why does it bother anyone else?
To turn it around on what these threads usually end up being, my parents threw us a big wedding. We’d planned to go to Vegas, but it made more sense to have a wedding in my hometown since my entire family wanted to come, and we’d probably end up with at least 75 people in Vegas anyway. No, it wasn’t an inexpensive wedding, but that’s how my family wanted to do it. We had a wonderful, amazing day, and nearly three years later, we’re just as happily married as those who went to a JOP and out for dinner for their wedding. :rolleyes:
A big wedding doesn’t automatically mean someone’s not focusing on their marriage. Our marriage was, and is, the most important aspect of our wedding and of our life now. And I have seen very few brides who don’t have that attitude.
E.
ETA: And upon preview, exactly what storyteller said.
This was my initial thought too. I can see parents thinking along the lines of, “We’ll spend as much as you want for the wedding of your dreams,” over, “Here’s 65k, spend it however the hell you want!”
I didn’t really see that as Cardinal being judgemental as much as saying that if his bride-to-be wanted to spend that much money on a wedding, then their priorities and values are obviously incredibly mis-matched, which should be a deal-breaker.
For my own part, I agree that sometimes cultural, societal or business reasons make it almsot a requirement to spend ungodly amounts of money on a wedding. And sometimes, people are rich enough that it’s no big deal, and they certainly should be free to spend their money in whatever way makes them happy. But yes, personally, I find the OP :eek:-inspiring, if you consider $65k s a bit more than my entire annual salary.
I’m pretty sure my own wedding (almost 14 years ago) cost about $3k, which was hella big money to me and my family back then, and really more than all of us together could afford at the time–and I went a fairly cheap route! Mom and dad split the cost of a $600 dress, I bought all the accessories myself. I splurged on $250 worth of real roses. Mom bought all the little table-dressing stuff for the “reception” of cake, punch, nuts and candies and dad paid for the cake itself. My friend and I recorded the music ourselves and we paid a friend $100 to be our photographer. My best friend’s mom made her dress out of material I bought. A few tuxes, some silk flowers, two gold bands with tiny diamonds and a minister completed the deal. It was wunnerful. 
A bigger problem than having a big, expensive, frou-frou princess wedding is dragging all your family and friends into your princess fantasy.
Would you mind elaborating?
Specifically, I’ve been to two rather expensive, frou-frou princess weddings in the last two years (neither of them mine). At the most recent, my wife and I sat at a table with four couples that we’ve known for about a decade. We had crab cakes (all meat, no breadcrumb) and lobster ravioli for an appetizer. We danced to music provided by an exceptionally talented group of musicians, and drank a fair amount of free booze. Later, we slow danced in the middle of a really beautiful ballroom, and felt for a couple of hours like we had no responsibilities. When things got too noisy, we took a walk along the adjacent river and sat watching boats for a while. All this, and we watched our friends, two happy people who made one another even more happy, share a special night with the friends and family they’d “dragged into” their wedding.
Was this a problem? Was I harmed and don’t know it? Because I thought I had a wonderful time, and was really pleased to see my friend and his wife enjoy themselves in whatever way worked for them. Should I be looking at this differently?
For all those saying, it’s their money, why do you care how they spend it…
Well yes, of course it is their money, and they can spend it however they want. I was just interested to see what intelligent and reasonable people (i.e. Dopers) thought about it, to put it into a frame-of-reference for me.
I actually am glad I asked for everyone’s opinions because I have put it into perspective. The people who said it’s a cultural thing, or a class thing - I think you’re right.
The bride’s family seems very interested in social status and “society,” and everything. I think this wedding is a way to show off their status and to schmooze their friends*. I also think that in their income bracket, and their area that they are from (Great Falls/McLean for any of you northern Virginians or DC-area people), weddings like this are the norm.
However, out of 200 guests, my side is only allowed to invite 40 people (this includes my parents, me, and any other family or friends). The bride’s parents get over 50 invites… so this means that since they have a smaller family, that a lot of their invites are going to their friends. On the other hand, since we have a large family and fewer invites, my parents don’t get to invite any of their close friends, and many of my cousins don’t get to bring their significant others. It’s just immediate family and spouses.
Needless to say, this has caused a lot of :dubious: and 
and 
and :rolleyes: on my side of the family.
It has been very embarrassing because my parent’s close friends are wondering when the wedding is, but guess what - we can’t invite them…
By the way, the rest of the invites go to the bride and groom’s friends.
Unfortunately, I think that’s par for the course in the NoVa area. It’s like the sixteen-year-old girls who drive brand-new Infiniti SUVs with the license plate frames that read “My Car…Daddy’s Money”. I’ve seen it among my niece’s friends (FTR, they’re in the Centreville area), and status is EVERYTHING. If it’s that bad with teenagers, I don’t even want to know how bad it is with adults (and my sister’s family does fairly well, but they don’t live in an $800K McMansion, so I’m sure my niece feels the pressure sometimes).
And my ‘who gives a shit’ really wasn’t directed at you or the thread - it’s more directed at the competitions that seem to pervade these threads as to who had the smallest wedding and spent the least money and who now has a happier marriage while making insinuations that anyone who had a larger wedding couldn’t possibly have gotten married because they gasp loved their spouse. :eek: I’ve been to weddings that were upwards of $50K, and had a wonderful time. I’ve been to weddings that were under $5K and had an amazing time. I’ve been to one wedding (my cousin’s) where they got married on the beach on a Tuesday morning in jeans and t-shirts, and we all went to a deli for lunch afterwards - I had a fantastic time because I was thrilled for them.
And I think it’s crap that your side of the family is only given 40 people. Regardless of who pays, I always kind of figured that the bride’s side invited half of the guests and the groom’s side invited half of the guests. I’m surprised at that part.
E.
Those are some prety shocking numbers on the OP.
I mean, only 200 guests at a wedding? I’ve *never * been at one that small.
The reason the guest list is so small is because they just HAD to rent a small 1700’s-era house right across from the White House for the reception, and that place can only hold so many people. This is why my parents are not allowed to invite any of their friends, or why anyone who is not married or engaged cannot bring their significant others (how lame is that??!)
I guess the “status” of the reception site was more important than being able to invite everyone who the families wanted to invite. :rolleyes: