$65,000 wedding: what do you think?

In My Humble Opinion
81

[QUOTE=Elza B]
Unfortunately, I think that’s par for the course in the NoVa area. It’s like the sixteen-year-old girls who drive brand-new Infiniti SUVs with the license plate frames that read “My Car…Daddy’s Money”. I’ve seen it among my niece’s friends (FTR, they’re in the Centreville area), and status is EVERYTHING.
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That crap makes me sick! I was born and raised in this area, and my parents are well off, and so are my boyfriend and I, and we are NOT like that. “Status” does not mean anything to us.

[QUOTE=Elza B]
And I think it’s crap that your side of the family is only given 40 people. Regardless of who pays, I always kind of figured that the bride’s side invited half of the guests and the groom’s side invited half of the guests. I’m surprised at that part.
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Thank you! I was worried that I would be met with a chorus of “it’s their money, they can invite who they want” and “they don’t have to invite everyone!”

It’s just going to suck that her side of the family will be there with all her parents’ close friends and my parents can’t invite any of their friends… and even a few of our family members have been left off the guest list because there wasn’t enough room. And for example, none of my cousins (who are in their 20s) can invite their girlfriends or boyfriends, including one who lives with his SO.

Can you imagine, you live with your boyfriend and have been together for several years, and have been invited to many other past family events, but when the invitation to the wedding comes, you’re not invited, and your boyfriend is expected to just attend without you? Is it just me or is this… crappy??

82

I just want to point out two things- It is very likely that the bride’s parent’s decided that they will be inviting 50 or 60 people. It is extremely unlikely that they divvied up the rest of the invitations- “60 for us, 40 for the groom’s family and 100 for the couples’ friends”. Most likely the couple decided who would get the other 140 invitations.

Secondly, while I think the cousin who lives with his SO should have been treated as engaged/married, it’s not uncommon for those not in established, long-term relationships to be invited without an invitation to bring a guest.

83

[QUOTE=SmartAleq]
I think it’s disgusting, but then again that kind of conspicuous consumption grosses me out regardless of the occasion.
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I second this.

84

[QUOTE=nyctea scandiaca]
That crap makes me sick! I was born and raised in this area, and my parents are well off, and so are my boyfriend and I, and we are NOT like that. “Status” does not mean anything to us.
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My sister’s not like that, either - that’s why it bugs me. And my niece is really a good kid, but she is a bit spoiled, and I know it’s because her parents don’t want her feeling like the red-headed stepchild among her friends. I was just talking to my mom today, and they took her out to lunch today - apparently, my seventeen year old niece gave my mom a brand-new Louis Vuitton purse that her dad just bought her because ‘I just don’t really like it’ :eek: . That’s what makes me weep for these kids. I don’t think it’s EVERYONE in NoVa (my friends certainly aren’t like that), but it seems a bit more prevalent there than in Richmond to me.

(Sorry, not to go off on a tangent…I really do worry what will happen when my niece is out in the real world…)

It’s also really shitty etiquette. Etiquette dictates that if someone is engaged or living with their SO, they should also be invited to the wedding. So yeah, it’s incredibly crappy, and if they really want to have a high-end, classy affair, they should probably respect the rules of etiquette.

E.

85

Here is a breakdown of a $50,000 wedding for only 125 guests. The extra $15,000 could be used to expand the guest list by 100.

86

[QUOTE=doreen]
I just want to point out two things- It is very likely that the bride’s parent’s decided that they will be inviting 50 or 60 people. It is extremely unlikely that they divvied up the rest of the invitations- “60 for us, 40 for the groom’s family and 100 for the couples’ friends”. Most likely the couple decided who would get the other 140 invitations.

Secondly, while I think the cousin who lives with his SO should have been treated as engaged/married, it’s not uncommon for those not in established, long-term relationships to be invited without an invitation to bring a guest.
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I was wondering that too. I mean, it’s also your brother’s wedding, if he knew he had over 40 relatives to invite, did he speak up when they booked a place that maxed out at 200? If they have over 100 ‘friends’ invitations, can’t he and his fiance use 1 on his cousin’s live-in girlfriend? They certainly can’t have 100 close friends who are not blood relatives. And if they do, well, if close friends #75-100 get invited before the rest of the groom’s family, then isn’t this the couple’s choice just as much as the bride’s parents?

87

Good gravy, these disturb me down to my Scottish roots. As another poster said, it’s one thing to spend all that money on the wedding of your dreams, but I don’t think I could spend lots of money on a wedding of my dreams, because I’d be too preoccupied by how unbelievably costly everything was. And I say this as a confirmed romantic who’s been planning his wedding ever since he was a little girl.

As others have said, if you want to support struggling small businesses with your inconceivable splurging, go to it. But I just worry it might be a sign of focusing too much on the wedding and not enough on the marriage - as though a lavish wedding were a propitiation to the Marriage Gods to bless you with a relationship you don’t have to work on.

88

[QUOTE=sugar and spice]
I was wondering that too. I mean, it’s also your brother’s wedding, if he knew he had over 40 relatives to invite, did he speak up when they booked a place that maxed out at 200? If they have over 100 ‘friends’ invitations, can’t he and his fiance use 1 on his cousin’s live-in girlfriend? They certainly can’t have 100 close friends who are not blood relatives. And if they do, well, if close friends #75-100 get invited before the rest of the groom’s family, then isn’t this the couple’s choice just as much as the bride’s parents?
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Yes, my brother is just as guilty as anyone else here. My mom and I think that he is either staying out of it to keep the peace, or that he just doesn’t give a shit. He has been straying farther and farther away from our family recently.

It’s funny, because my parents have requested them to consider a few additional people on the “wait list” for open slots that are freed up when people RSVP saying they cannot attend. This includes two couples who are their oldest friends, and another cousin who is very close.

p.s. If it were me, I would come up with the number of guests I wanted, THEN choose a reception place that would hold that many. Like I said earlier, for some reason, they decided it was more important to have the reception at this small place than to be able to invite everyone.

89

[QUOTE=storyteller0910]
Would you mind elaborating? <snip>
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Sure - the big, fancy frou-frou princess wedding is fine for the bride and groom, if they are willing to do all the work and deal with all the hassles themselves or pay for people to deal with them. It becomes a problem when friends and family are expected to go miles out of their way to make the big, fancy frou-frou princess wedding happen.

90

Good grief, some of these sentiments are indeed bizarre.

My wife and I had an expensive wedding. I would be very surprised if it cost less than $65,000. My wife’s dress alone was more than my last half dozen suits combined, and I don’t wear cheap suits. Since we did not pay for it, we don’t precisely know.

In our case, it was a major cultural issue. Though my wife was born and raised in NYC, her father is Japanese. The purpose of a wedding, especially in a family as old and society-conscious as hers, is to demonstrate the prestige of the bride’s family. This was accomplished.

That said, the fact that untold sums were spent does not mean that this was a bridezilla fantasy occasion or that my father-in-law had to sell plasma to pay for the wedding. Fortunately neither were the case. My wife asked nothing of her bridesmaids other than showing up on time and wearing lavender. They all picked their own shoes, dresses, etc. She did want them to wear a piece of simple silver jewelry, so we bought some lovely Tiffany pieces for them. They didn’t have to help plan, didn’t have to throw any retarded parties, come to any rehearsal dinners, or have to cave to any unreasonable wishes or obnoxious demands.

My FIL lives extremely comfortably and had been consciously saving for this event since the day my wife was born. He flew fifteen relatives over from Japan, wined and dined them at the best restaurants in NYC, and we treated them to a wedding they still talk about.

I’m not ashamed that so much money was spent. It was a low-key garden party with 130 people. What drove the cost were the premium location, food, music, and decor. There was no drama, everyone had a marvelous time, and I still have people pat us on the back and say it was the nicest, classiest wedding they had ever been to. These aren’t rubes, either, but people used to good taste and fine things.

We were very proud of the fact that we were able to share an important day with people we care about and did so in such a way as to maximize everyone’s happiness. Could we have done it for a fraction of the cost? Absolutely. But we did what we had to do and ended up having a great time.

You can do a wedding “right” no matter what your budget is as long as you have your priorities straight, you care about your guests, and you have the partnership of your spouse to be. Whether or not you do it right says more about your character than how much you spend.

91

In case I was not sufficiently clear, my wife and I planned every aspect of the wedding save the entertainment of my FIL’s out of town family.

We both picked out the flowers, table linens, color of the cake, menu, every damned little detail. We wrote out the place seating cards ourselves, hand-addressed the invitations, etc.

Was it a total fucking hassle and a huge amount of work? Definitely. Was it worth it? A hundred times yes. Do I ever want to do it again? Nope.

92

[QUOTE=nyctea scandiaca]
…p.s. If it were me, I would come up with the number of guests I wanted, THEN choose a reception place that would hold that many. Like I said earlier, for some reason, they decided it was more important to have the reception at this small place than to be able to invite everyone.
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Well, a 200 guest wedding isn’t exactly small, going by typical US standards. And from what you’ve said, the bride’s parents are paying for the whole reception but are giving up control over 140 of the invitations. Unless you specifically heard one of them mention this 40 person limit (as opposed to hearing it second hand from the couple), I might try to cut them some slack. But again, I don’t know the whole story.

93

Yeah, we get this on the board about twice a year or so. There are three schools of thought: One, the bride is a spoiled brat who needs to be reined in; two, oh-my-God, that’s criminal, but what the hell if she/the can afford it (these first two usually are accompanied by anecdotes about cheap-o weadings that were still perfect); and three, hey, it’s her big day, she’s looked forward to this all her life, what’s it to you? Without even reading through these responses, I’m guessing all three are represented on this thread.

I was the grooms’ father; in both cases I sat next to my beige-clad wife and kept my mouth shut.

94

[QUOTE=storyteller0910]
There are a lot of people in this thread competing to see who can want the cheapest wedding: “Oh yeah, well my wedding’s going to be in a cardboard box on I-95, and the meal will be roadkill, and I’m not buying a dress, I’m wearing windowshades.”
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Heh. I’m actually surprised that this thread hasn’t gone the way these tend to, with everyone bragging about how little they spent on their wedding. Who cares?

My first thought on seeing the thread title was, “Ooh, that sounds like fun!” I love weddings. Thrifty backyard wedding or hoity-toity urban fairy-tale wedding – it’s all good.

95

[QUOTE=tdn]
When you have few expectations, there’s little that can go wrong.
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See, I would need a fiance who had that attitude about his potential wife!! :stuck_out_tongue:

96

[QUOTE=storyteller0910]
Wow. I have to say, this sentiment and others like it in this thread are absolutely stunning to me. I am surprised that people can be so judgmental about how other people spend their own money.
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Obviously it’s a judgment call on where the line is for “profligate”.

My point is that for my financial situation, this would be wildly over the line, and since I can think of dozens of better things to do with this money, the suggestion to spend it on the wedding would mean we weren’t on the same page in regard to priorities.

97

[QUOTE=vix]

My first thought on seeing the thread title was, “Ooh, that sounds like fun!” I love weddings. Thrifty backyard wedding or hoity-toity urban fairy-tale wedding – it’s all good.
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Exactly. Why gives a rat’s ass? As long as the couple/family/whoever can afford it why should I care what anyone spends on a big party? And while a $65,000 wedding seems like a lot, that’s only scratching the surface of truly ridiculous costs. I’m in the wedding industry and the average wedding these days is around $20,000 to $30,000 depending on your source. If you’re talking big cities, especially New York and its environs, we’re closer to $40,000-$50,000.

Don’t get me wrong–I wouldn’t want to spend $65,000 on a wedding myself, because I don’t have a lifestyle or income that supports it. But if I happen to have an extra million lying around, I don’t see the problem with treating my daughter to a big gala if that’s what she and the family wants.

98

[QUOTE=storyteller0910]
IMO, it’s their wedding, and I decided long ago that the only people with a right to an opinion are the bride, the groom, and (to a much lesser extent) whoever has the checkbook.
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I mostly agree on principle with this, with the very slight quibble that whoever has the checkbook might have a much smaller right to an opinion but certainly has the right to limit the underwriting to a) what they can afford and b) what they want to spend.

I can’t imaging being able to afford this kind of wedding for myself or any imagined heirs.

99

[QUOTE=Elza B]
Honestly? Who freakin’ gives a shit? It’s their money, their wedding, and if that’s how they want to spend it, why does it bother anyone else?

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It doesn’t really, but the OP did ask me what I thought.

100

I came from depression era parents and while I don’t live as frugally as they did I couldn’t see $65,000 on a wedding no matter how much money I had. I wouldn’t even feel comfortable going to such an event if invited.