7 year old lying

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a 7 year old daughter who has lied 3 times in the past couple of months. The first time she lied by saying she had fed the dog when she hadn’t. The second time she lied by saying someone said something they hadn’t. The 3rd time she lied about brushing her teeth.

The first time she lied we took away ‘screens’ (tv, computer, video games) for a couple of weeks and sweets for a couple of weeks. She also had to tell us when she was feeding the dog so we could make sure it was being done. We talked to her about why lying is wrong and explained that if she did it again, there would be more severe consequences. We also explained that no matter what she does wrong, it is better to tell the truth than to lie because lying would only make the punishment worse.

The second time she was grounded for 2 weeks (no friends, no screens, no sweets, no leaving the house) and we took away her birthday party. This one was so severe because she lied within two weeks of the first lie. It wasn’t like it had been months between the lies. Once again, we explained to her why lying is wrong and that it doesn’t make sense to lie about such small things when the consequences would be far worse than what would happen if she told the truth.

The final time was tonight, about 3 weeks since the last lie. At this point, I’m not sure what to do. Obviously taking away things isn’t working and neither is trying to explain why lying is wrong.

Any advice? How do I convince her lying is wrong? I’m tempted to give her a 2 week grounding again and after that let her deal with the fact that I can’t trust her: she can’t go to a friend’s house since I can’t trust she’ll behave; she can’t be trusted to feed the dog without telling us so we can be sure it gets done; she’ll need to be supervised for essentially any chore to be sure she gets it done, etc.

2

No advice, but some insight. When I was very young and I hadn’t yet learned that my parents had an IQ higher than room temperature, lying was a big temptation. There was NOTHING small about lying about something like brushing my teeth. I was in fear of my parents and when I was put on the spot between giving the truthful answer which would bring their full wrath and disapproval upon me (as I perceived it) or escaping it, well, escape’s a pretty logical option.

Of course, my fears were completely unfounded; it just happened that I’m very perfectionist, high strung and fretty and constantly worrying about what others think of my performance and so on. Is your daughter the same way? Also, if your daughter’s a typical child, she’ll think that you’re about as intelligent as corn till she’s about 20 or so, so in her world “getting away with it” seems a near-certainity.

3

I’m not a parent, but I remember when I was a child, for some reason I lied about many trivial (and some not-so-trivial) things. I lied about brushing my teeth, even going so far as to wet the toothbrush. I lied about taking swimming lessons at the Y, even going so far as to get my suit wet and roll it in my towel so the towel would be wet. I eventually got caught for most of the non-trivial things, not so much for the trivial ones.

It finally ended for me when in high school I lied about something so meaningless and trivial (and was caught in that lie) that it finally occurred to me to wonder why I was doing it. It was pointless and demeaning, and I only caught the honesty bug when I realized that for myself.

My parents gave spankings and disappointed talkings-to, because in those days there wasn’t much to deprive me of. They were incredibly consistent, though, about their attitude towards lying. That’s what I learned from, not the punishments, but of course the punishments proved to me the sincerity and depth of their dislike for lying. That is, I didn’t “become honest” for fear of further punishment, but by learning from their convictions, and from their example. My father was an attorney, and was scrupulously honest in that practice, for example.

I never lied about someone else doing or saying something that they didn’t, and of the three lies you have mentioned that’s the one that worries me the most. It’s one thing to lie to protect yourself, it’s a whole other thing to lie to damage someone else.

Anyway, if I have any advice, it is to follow my parents’ example: be very consistent in punishing and condemning dishonesty of any kind, and also be sure to practice the same honesty in your own everyday life (as I’m sure you do).

Good luck, and don’t give up (my parents didn’t give up on me, and the lessons finally took hold).

4

I’m the dad of an eight-year-old boy and a five-year-old girl.

I think maybe you need to rethink the severity of the punishments you’re inflicting. Past a certain point more extreme punishments don’t do much good and may actually be counterproductive because they encourage more lying and secretive behavior.

In general I don’t think drawn-out punishments are effective for pre-teens. They don’t really have the maturity necessary to spend two weeks contemplating the cause-and-effect of the transgression and the punishment. Instead I’ve found discipline works better if it’s swift and sharp.

Rather than the long grounding that you describe I think it might be more effective to lecture your daughter until she breaks down in tears. (For extreme transgressions this may be accompanied by a spanking.) Then let her sob alone in her room for fifteen minutes, then come back in and build her up again.

This last step is particularly important. You want to say something alone the lines of “Honey, we know you’re not the type of person who lies. That’s why we’re so disappointed that you did it this time.” The goal is to shape her perception of herself as basically a good girl who messed up broke the rules. The problem with extended punishments is that if a child spends too much time in the doghouse it’s easy for him to start thinking of himself as a bad kid. And a kid who thinks he’s a bad kid is already halfway toward acting like one.

So far this approach seems to be working for us. My kids still speak in awe of “The Time We Didn’t Obey Mommy At Bathtime” which was nothing more than two quick swats on their bottoms and a good talking-to. But it’s stuck with them in a way that I don’t think a two-week grounding would have.

5

Just to add some support to not increasing the severity, but being consistent and reinforcing why lying is wrong. As hinted above too, if she perceives you as being overly strict generally, she may be entering a cycle of lying to escape consequences (which might be imaginary, or might be real).

Children often deceive as a means of gaining control. Parents pretty much control the daily routine and, more relevantly, they have expectations that must be met. Perhaps not doing parts of that routine are a means of her rebelling against being told what to do - it is an age where children become more independent, but at the same time do not have the maturity to take responsibility for everything. When you catch her out, she’s perhaps lying just to avoid disappointing you. Your task, I guess, is to emphasise that lying is worse than the evasion of duty!

6

I’ll second the swift and fast as sugested above.

Two weeks is too long for her to fester. I’m sure at some point in the punishmenst she feels less like a liar and more like a martyr.

I think what your daughter might need (as do many children that age) is a lesson in humilaty. Take her around and make her a public display of herself. As in, making her apologize to everyone she interacts with that “she’s a liar” especialy her friends, extended family, teachers, etc… (or hell, if it was my son I’d even make him apologize to the dog)

I can’t imagine a child whose image and belonging means everything, would subject herself to that kind of humility again.

Then explain to her the humility she feels is yet another reason why lying is bad.

7

I would prepare for a lot more lying in future. I work with plenty of adults, let alone 7 year olds, who lie about whether they have performed their alloted tasks. I think the severity of the punishment will only serve to encourage her to lie in future to avoid more of the same.

8

Aw, don’t be too hard on her. Lying is a valuable life skill that will take her far. She’s just got to learn how to deploy it effectively.

9

I sort of agree with ayalabmaj.

Not that I want you to raise a liar, but lying has many practical and useful purposes and your child is practicing a needed skill.

Also- don’t set eloaborate traps and shame her. If you know she’s lying about something, just call her on it an move along.

10

Turn the tables on her.

Tell her dinner’s ready and then be all “psych!” when she comes to the table.

Tell her favorite TV show has been cancelled when it actually hasn’t.

Tell her that she’s actually a robot, like that girl from “Small Wonder”.
Seriously, I remember going through a stage of lying-for-no-good reason. I think I did it out of boredom more than anything. I quickly outgrew it before anyone knew about it.

Why not tell your daughter that you’re beginning to mistrust her, which is a very bad thing indeed. Tell her that if she slips up again, you won’t believe another word that comes out of her mouth and that it would absolutely break your heart.

Punishments are fine, but I think knowing you’re disappointing your parents (at that age) is the worse thing in the world.

11

Name them.

12

Well, my four year old is also testing the lying waters. He’ll lie about completely inconsequential things. Also completely impossible things. Such as his baby brother pulled something off the top of the book case that he can’t even reach. Some of his lies are just so stupid, and he VOLUNTEERS this info, I’m not even asking him how something happened.

Kid better learn, and quick. I don’t take to being lied to by my baby. I’m curious as to what’s behind the voluntary lies. I could understand if he was faced with a question or confrontation about poor behaviour, but just out-of-the-blue bald-faced lies? I don’t get it.

13

When I caught my eldest daughter (the Amazing Brooke) in the first lie I was aware of, I sat her down to discuss the changes that would be forthcoming.

She was a first grader and school was very important to her.

I told her that we would go to her school the next day and change her name officially to “Little Liar”. I explained that when she knew the answer to a question and raised her hand, the teacher would need to say “Yes, Little Liar” before she would be allowed to answer.

I explained that when her friends wanted to play with her, they would say. “C’mon and play, Little Liar.”

She cried and said, “Mommy, I don’t want my name to be ‘Little Liar’.”

My response, “then stop lying!”

14

Wow that is really creepy.

15

While we’re on the subject of lying, you should be honest with yourself, and her, and tell her both sides of the subject. Explain that there are bad lies, and there are good lies (white lies, harmless untruths, etc…). A untruth is just that, a null piece of info. Which I don’t feel is the worst thing in the world to use it in certain circumstances, when required. You know, naggy religious family members who ask if you’ve been to church lately, and you have not. And you tell them you that have been anyway :eek:.

16

Lets try that last one again…

And you tell them that you have been anyway.

17

He’s actually developmentally appropriate, as infuriating as that may be. He’s discovering something pretty amazing and scary, which is that Mom and Dad aren’t omniscient. He’s also discovering that it’s actually possible to say things that didn’t happen! If it makes you feel better (it won’t) it’s the same skill which separates humans from animals in their use of language!

I don’t treat these whoppers as lies, I treat them as stories. Laugh when he tells them, and tell him what a wonderful imagination he has. Offer to write his stories down for him, so he can make a book out of them to “read” to his baby brother.

The 7 year old is developmentally appropriate as well, but at a different stage. She really is beginning to try to decieve you. As ayalabmaj somewhat jokingly points out, deception is a neccesary tool in our society. (GYBRFE, it’s required in any workplace, at some point or another. It’s definitely called for when asked if this skirt makes my ass look huge, and in dozens of other social and safety interactions. Do you want to tell the belligerent drunk that yes, you are getting in his face and you do think he’s a moron?)

But just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s easy. I agree with the swift and sudden approach, and second the need to quickly come around to being “on her side”. If she’s anything like me (and you’re now handling it exactly like my mother did), she’s now decided that her parents are completely unreasonable people, who punish her for every thing she does, and so she is therefore justified in lying to you. I know, I know you keep telling her it’s the lying she’s getting punished for, not the not feeding the dog. I guarantee she doesn’t get that.

Swift and sure means using guilt - but productively. Tell her how much she’s hurt you, hurt the dog, etc. Tell her of your dreams for her as an honest and nice (nice means more than anything else to 7 year old girls) and how this just shatters you. Don’t tell her what she can do to rebuild your trust (like telling you when she’s feeding the dog) - make it her problem. Ask **her **how she will rebuild your trust. Make her come up with a solution. No matter what it is, it will stick much better than a solution imposed by Big Bad Parental Units.

Then, as soon as she’s proposed something, switch tactics and be her supportive coach. “Oh, I knew you would come up with something! You’re such a smart person! I’m glad this won’t be a problem anymore.” Then be sympathetic, “You know, I always hated it when I lied to my mom. I felt just icky and gross inside, like my tummy was full of worms. I bet you don’t like that feeling any more than I did.” Give her a big hug and the DROP it.

18

Couple of other child appropriate times when we encourage lying:

Tell Grandma you like the present she gave you.

Thank Mrs. Smith for baby sitting you while Mommy and Daddy went to the movie.

Don’t ever tell someone you’re home alone when you are.

Tell the stranger at the park that your Mom is sitting on that bench over there even if you’re alone.

Even if you told Uncle Alan you wouldn’t tell he touched you funny, tell anyway.

We encourage kids to lie for their own safety and to be polite all the time. No wonder they try to lie for other convienences!

19

I went through a period of habitual lying when I was the OP’s daughter’s age. It didn’t matter what the situation was or whether or not I was in trouble. I remember my mother telling me years later that, at the time, the principal told both her and my dad that it was a combination of a vivid imagination and a very real fear of authority figures.

I eventually outgrew it, but all through grade school I couldn’t shake the “liar” reputation, mostly because of all the stories I’d make up for Show And Tell. If somebody had taken me aside and warned me about the consequences, I probably would’ve, out of fear, started telling the truth. Nobody ever did. Thus, I applaud the OP for wanting to nip it in the bud.

20

At four, it’s hard to differentiate between the impossible and the lying. They live in a world of their own construction, trying to make sense of all that’s going about them. When my daughter talks about a trip that we’re going to make “tomorrow” that, in fact, happened five months ago, a trip that involved far more family members than we actually have… I don’t think that she’s actually lying, per se, just working things out and talking out whatever fantasies are going on in her head.

And the “lying” about inconsequential things… that’s pretty much standard at this age and is something you have to fight. When it happens again at 8, however, it happens for a reason other than “testing the waters” - it’s more of a burgeoning power struggle at that age.