Never needs to.
Nor do his partners.
- Is the only Doper whose post is his cite.
- His middle name ends in –gry. (credit for this one goes to Rhubarb)
- His Native American name is “Echo of Duck”.
- Gave Al Gore the idea for the internet.
- Raises chinchillas.
- Has an obsession with circumcision, but controls it with medication.
- Invented Chinese food.
- Can see well into both the infrared and ultraviolet spectra.
- Could easily whup Lance Armstrong’s ass in the Tour de France but doesn’t want to date Sheryl Crow.
I’m sure we are beyone 99 little-known facts, but what the heck:
…was the REAL inspiration for the Beatles’ hit, “Hey Jude”
…was originally cast for the part of “Joliet” Jake Blues, but turned the part down due to creative differences
…got Houdini started doing escapes
…was a body double for Sylverster Stallone
…invented the diagram that tells you which way to put in batteries
…is totally fluent in Esperanto, but prefers Engrish
…served 30 days in the Arizona State Penitentiary for flipping off a judge
…raided Liberace’s shoe closet on three non-consecutive occasions
-Owns a box of key-less padlocks, purchased at a flea market in 1990.
-His third child was conceived at a Juice Newton concert.
-The last hamburger he ate was at In ‘n’ Out Burger, Chico, CA, 4 years ago.
-As the result of a hernia operation in 1980, he no longer has a belly button.
-Prefers unnatural redheads.
-Lisps.
-While on vacation in Moscow in 1995, he ran into Ed Zotti at a Burger King, total coincidence.
-Brings his own sheets and pillows to hotels. Sleeps in front of the door.
-Eats the same thing for breakfast every day: Bowl of Special K, corned beef hash, English muffin with strawberry jam, a raw cucumber, sweet tea.
-Developed the no-carb diet in a 1979 column on obesity.
-In the summer, usually makes an extra $5,000 with his metal detector on Chicago beaches.
-Hums while he chews.
-
makes most of his money from sales on his website “Merkins_R_Us.com”
-
wrote the book for (as yet) unproduced musical on the life of Le Petomane
-
dropped out of Wassamatta U. in his junior year
-
orginated the “dog poop in a burning bag on the doorstep, ring the bell and run away” prank while in junior high
-
first person he pulled the gag on was Chuck Shepherd
Prepared pasta dinners for the late Pope John Paul II. Benedict has discontinued this practice.
Is worshipped as a deity by a small band of unlettered savages living in a group house in downtown St. Paul.
Can alter the fundamental physical constants of the universe but wisely chooses not to.
Composed and forgot the greatest rock and roll song of all time. (He gave this story to Jack Black to get out of a gambling debt.)
Was shortlisted for the role of the father “Marshall” on the TV series Land of the Lost.
Can safely consume energy fields bigger than his own head.
Rejected immortality.
Fears Roberto Benigni.
Owns an autogyro.
– Given honorary title of “Churl of Chutney” by Monsforth-on-Surrey Township in 1982 for unspecified act of heroism
– Discovered the neap tide
– Has done own mathematical and astronomical studies that has convinced him that there is a planet rotating in exactly the same plane and at the exact same speed as the Earth, but on the other side of the sun. Claims it occasionally waggles its butt at us.
– Got Peter Weller his teaching gig.
– Is in fact illiterate. Dictates his column to and has replies read to him by personal secretary who ignore what he says and writes whatever she likes. Is under the impression he has been writing a column about auto repair and maintenance. Is quite puzzled by Slug Signorino’s illustrations.
– Knows why fools fall in live, but then, don’t we all?
…After losing a football bet, once mowed Pope Paul VI’s lawn.
…Was indicted by the House Un-American Activities Committee at age eleven, after a misunderstanding involving Necco Wafer proof-of-purchase seals.
…Has a glass eye. With a $17,000 Zeiss-Ikon lens.
…Wrote for the Harvard Lampoon while attending the University of Chicago.
…Can do handsfree pushups with his toes.
…Imitates a meow so realistically that it fools cats.
…Routinely saunas at 425°F.
…Once shaved Carol Burnett.
Likes to sneak into group photos wearing a red and white striped sweater, red and white knitted cap and a pair of round rimmed glasses.
Still hasn’t apologized to Salman Rushdie for having used “Salman Rushdie” as a pen name when he wrote “The Satanic Verses” a while back, but is really grateful that that elderly gentleman took the rap for being Deep Throat.
Still thinks holding beauty pageants in Nigeria is a good idea, really.
Wears shoes without socks.
Has never been in a Starbucks, but doesn’t feel the need to brag about that fact.
- Knows why the caged bird sings.
- Tried to warn Eisenhower about the use of the atomic bomb; clerical error attributes this to Einstein.
- Batted .290 while wearing briefs but .310 in boxer shorts while in the minor leagues.
- Was Time Magazine’s Man of the Year in 1959.
- Taught Joseph Pulitzer everything he knew.
- Was the only contestant on the Geritol Quiz Show who never received the answers beforehand.
- Is hated by Fidel Castro and the late Che Guevara.
- Invented the Internet.
He is not the Lizard King. But he is, in fact, the Lizard Generalissimo.
-
Invented porn
-
The movie “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension” was based on his teen years.
-
Is the owner of the worlds longest nose hair (but he didn’t grow it)
-
Is the real father of Britney Spears’ baby.
-
Has a severe case of Polyorchidophobia (the fear of men with three testicles)
-
Once made sweet, sweet love to a block of cheese.
-
Has been married 4 times to the same woman.
-
Once saved a woman and a baby trapped in a burning car using only a paper clip and a small turtle.
-
Killed a clown with his bare hands.
-
Is considred by many as the “sixth” Bay City Roller
-
Has had two sex change operations
No actually, they’re right. Cecil did warn Einstein about the use of the bomb. Einstein just laughed him off.
He’s probably the Kwisatch Haderach, but doesn’t want to bother with that “damn fool” gom jabbar.
Colonel House’s best friend. Also Colonel House’s only friend.
Is the only man that can play the pallophotophone films stored at the Schenectady Museum.
Invented a procedure several decades ago to produce flawless, gem-quality diamonds using nothing more than a household cleanser and a common breakfast food, but prefers to wear cubic zirconia.
Was the model for Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
Has seventeen pen-pals, including Martha Stewart’s makeup artist, and never fails to promptly respond to any of them.
Refuses to tell where Amelia Earhart is, or why she chose to fake her own death. Says she has her reasons.
Watch contains the world’s smallest atomic clock, and is used as official standard for Greenich Mean Time, which is ironic as he can never remember how to convert that to local time.
Had a brief but tempestuous love affair with Mamie Eisenhower before her marriage to Dwight.
Knows all the lyrics to American Pie, and often sings it after he’s had a little too much to drink.
Was granted an award by the American Dental Association for “Unparalleled Maintenance of Perfect Dental Hygiene.”
Pays to have his house repainted a different color every night, as he likes to have a surprise to wake up to.
Owns a time-share condominium along with jazz legend Ornette Coleman.
Has to purchase special storage space to contain the large number of valentines he receives every year.
Is the only person alive who knows the legendary secret formula for Coca-Cola; says the secret ingredient is toenail clippings.
A mishap with his interplanetary spacecraft caused the incident that was memorialized in the famous song “Stars Fell on Alabama.”
Handwriting was the model for the Times New Roman font, says they messed it up horribly.
Boy, do I ever believe that. But what you may not realize is that our dear Unca Cece:
-Once killed three men by looking at them, then brought them back to life by not looking at them. :dubious:
-Subsists entirely on Spam, which he helped invent.
-Is drawing up designs for Deep Thought as we speak.
-Actually knows the real words to “Inna Gotta Da Vita”
-Has this bridge he wants to sell you …
- Following recent EBay transactions, had to move to a bigger house to hold his collection of Popeye memorabilia.
- Was the inspiration for Neil Young’s “Cinnamon Girl”.
- Drives really really fast, but has never gotten a ticket.
- Has mellowed to the point where occasionally, ignorance kind of amuses him.
- Is legally allowed to vote more than once.
- Hootie is his third cousin. He can’t tolerate the Blowfish, and it pisses him off that Hootie keeps bringing them to family gatherings.
- Has more than a dozen ways to demonstrate the falseness of the aphorism “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
- Has an identical cousin.
- A hot dog makes him lose control.
Has kicked the following people in the nuts right after saying that he would never kick them in the nuts: Spiro Agnew, Ivan Lendl, D.L. Hughley, Ed Zotti, and Ari Onassis.
Puts ketchup on hotdogs.
You know the seven words you can never say on TV? Cecil had a late night tv show on the Dumont network in the 50s where he just repeated those words over and over again. It won 2 emmys.
Played all the instruments on Millie Smalls “My Boy Lollipop”
The dance called the “Robot” was invented after a kid saw Cecil practicing karate.
Has double jointed hips.
Was the first person to call beer “liquid bread”
Every monday night has a drinking contest with Australian prime minister John Howard and Paul “Crocodile Dundee” Hogan. Cecil has never won.