Was Lee Majors’ stunt double
Still harbors secret crush on Lindsay “The Bionic Woman” Wagner
Has a seal point Siamese cat who likes to sit on his books
Favorite color? Sky blue
Favorite fruit? Kiwi
Writes romance novels under the pen name Cecilia Adams
Knows the best place for Russian food in Madagascar
Has one blue eye and one brown eye … in a jar on his desk.
Engraved entire text of Desiderata on an M & M and then ate it.
Owns the world’s largest collection of un-matched socks. Also invented gizmo in dryers which eats one sock per load.
Listens to voices in other people’s heads, but rarely replies.
Owns an autographed first edition of War and Peace which he has never read because “Tolstoy was such a wanker.”
Always clips his ‘pinkie’ toe first so it doesn’t get jealous of all the bigger toes.
Once ate a bowl of chicken broth using only chopsticks - left-handed.
Has never mastered the ability to rub his tummy while patting his head.
His moods can change the weather.
He grew Ed Zotti from a cutting of Kaspar Hauser’s mummy.
You remember the guy standing in front of the tank at Tiananmen Square? Cecil was the guy in the tank. (He didn’t crush him cause he’d just gotten a fresh paintjob, and didn’t want to get gore on his sweet ride.)
His father created Batman. (He wasn’t a comic writer—he just killed Bruce Wayne’s parents.)
-After 28 years of marriage, still can’t fart in front of his wife.
-Favorite place to eat: Deluxe Diner on Clark and Devon.
-Owns a dry cleaners that he’s only set foot in once.
-At the age of 12, wanted to be a florist.
-Gets choked up when he hears “Round and Round” by New Order, but refuses to talk about it.
-Hits the tanning beds on a regular basis.
-Favorite beer: Bell’s Oberon.
-Never wipes more than 3 times.
Has a mysterious connection to Hubert Humphrey.
And to P.T. Barnum, for that matter.
In his career as a male model in Japan, was the inspiration for Speed Racer.
Every week, plays bridge with Thomas Pynchon, J D Salinger and Andy Kaufman
Started the rumor that “Louie Louie” has dirty lyrics
Is trying to convince the Central African Republic to change its name to “something with more zip”
Can name that tune in three notes
Served 6 years for manslaughter after bludgeoning a copyist who used “it’s” in place of “its”
Will paint any car for $99.99
Gets all teary-eyed when he hears “We’ve Only Just Begun”
Gave the bride away at Zsa-Zsa’s last three weddings
Held WBA titles simultaneously as a flyweight and heavyweight
Played the sitar on “Paint It Black”
Is secretly breeding an army of killer penguins in his basement
[ul][li]Worked at a fire extinguisher factory until 1974, when it mysteriously burned to the ground.[/li][li]Is noted for having both failed and taught middle-school hygiene.[/li]Owns a three-legged dog named “Lucky”.[/ul]
Only wears purple boxers and T-shirts.
Brushes every tooth individually thirty-two times.
Is whispering “right quitely” on Donovan’s “Yellow Mellow.”
Invented the Nigeria e-mal scam.
Put the bomp in the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp, but had nothing to do with that ram’s dingdong.
Flosses daily with freshly spun silk from his collection of imported silkworms.
Swims upstream to mate.
Invented stuffed mushrooms.
Has a shrine to Bea Arthur in his bedroom.
Can kick that Imponderables guy’s ass.
Bob in the Chick tracts is modeled after what Cecil Adams looked like in his mid 30’s.
Is the all time world’s champion chicken deboner.
Wrestled alligators for tips during his summer vacations in college.
Has a secret crush on Mel Gibson’s third cousin.
Convinced John Anderson to run for President. And Ross Perot. And Michael Dukakis.
Won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1987, but turned it down because the Nobels had gotten “too commercial”.
Was a stunt double for Jim Nabors.
Has a sheepdog named “Bo” who solves crimes.
Denies he has ever been to Angola.
Caused the “dot-com” boom to win a bet.
Dropped two balls of differing weights off the Sears Tower, thereby proving that mass does not affect acceleration.
Very recently, told the vice-president to go fuck himself.
Unsuccessfuly defended himself in a lawsuit brought by Wonderbra after his invention and marketing of a jockstrap that “lifts and separates”.
Taught Michael Jackson how to dance. And nothing else happened. Really.
Every day, no matter the weather and regardless of the occasion, wears the same outfit: hot pants and a halter top
Makes a chicken Kiev that is to die for
Is the real father of Britney’s baby. And Kevin Federline doesn’t have a clue.
Coined the phrase, “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” His follow-up, “When you assassinate, you make asses out of I and Nate,” was less successfule.
Used to be so amused at Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Livens up Chicago Reader staff meetings by telling dirty jokes with punchlines that use the phrase “column inches”
Was hired as head writer for Friends. However, his proposed story arc in which Chandler snaps, kills the other five, and is sent to prison (providing opportunities for crossovers with Oz) was rejected as “too radical a departure”
Every night, drinks a six pack of Sam Adams and passes out on the couch
Has proof NBC’s Brian Williams is a cyborg sent back in time from the future
Once sold me a fake Rolex, the conniving bastard!
Still remembers his high score in Donkey Kong
Changes the subject whenever anyone mentions that mysterious fire at the Vos Savant house
Is currently studying to get his business degree from Devry
Likes big butts and he cannot lie
He was the one that created the myths about the Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati of Bavaria to provide a smoke screen for his real agenda.
Knows that there is life on Mars and, for a large fee, will disclose how he came by that knowledge and will show proof.
Has decoded the real message that appears on every bottle of Dr. Bronner’s liquid soap.
Has often been mistaken for Spiro Agnew due to his prodigious vocabulary and his “dynamo honk.”
Will be, along with the cockroach, the only surviving life form after the inevitable nuclear holocaust.
Was the man who killed Alexander Hamilton kin that famous duel. Aaron Burr agreed to take the fall in exchange for a large bribe.
Knows what is in the real Fatima prophecies, still being closely held by the Vatican. Those other ones are just the preamble to the really “good stuff.”
Has planted a vegetable garden on every continent.
Is a huge Twisted Sister fan.
Has double-jointed knees and elbows.
Never fakes orgasm.
Was the first to try beechwood for the aging process.
Sang backup for the Rolling Stones, but only in the shower.
Knows how difficult it is to shower in front of 83,000 screaming fans.
Has been to Boston in the fall.
Never been seen in the same room as Nostradamus…and they have amazingly similar tastes in clothing. Except for the glasses.
Once lived in Latrobe, PA. For 33 days.
Despite being known as a rabid technophile, has a secret yearning for “the good ol’ days”. Still gets misty whenever anyone mentions a LaSalle.
Sold the green coat to Jim Henson’s mom.
Knows which came first; whether it makes a sound; what it sounds like; and precisely *where * the bear shits. Who’s on first still has him stumped.
[QUOTE=Tomcat]
.
Can juggle 4 kittens without harming them.
/QUOTE]
…or being without harmed by them.
…was born April 31, 1939, owing to a clerical error.
…ghostwrote the “Moo Goo Gai Pan” sketch from The Bob Newhart Show.
…was placed under fatwa after sending Ex-Lax chocolates to Saddam Hussein.
…has a $20 gold piece on his watch chain, so the boys will know he died standin’ pat.
…has slept with Ali MacGraw, Jill Clayburgh, and Rita Moreno. At the same time.
…studied classical saxophone with Sigurd Rascher, but never played again after the two had a violent argument about hot dog condiments.
…holds the world Hacky Sack record, having kicked 13 at a time and swallowed 7.
…washes Esther Dyson’s socks, by mail, free of charge, but claims they’re not romantically involved.
…holds 42 U.S. Patents under the pseudonyms “Branko Vujcicic”, “Lucille Vasconcelos-Langhanke”, and “Dr. Robert Jarvik.”