He doesn’t tug on Superman’s cape.
He doesn’t spit into the wind.
He doesn’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.
And He doesn’t mess around with Jim.
-Never parks in a driveway.
-Used to be a penguin dealer/broker.
-Gave lel the idea for her username.
-Was a frequent escort to Liza Minelli at Studio 54.
-Has been working toward joining the PGA Senior Tour for years.
-Named Sonny Bono his permanent guest ghostwriter during the 80s, during which time he would take off for Idaho one week a month. Look back at the 80s archives. You can tell which ones were Bono’s by the frequent use of 60s slang and constant reminders that he was once married to Cher.
-Briefly moonlighted as the San Diego Chicken in the late 70s.
-Held twice-yearly fundraisers with Johnny Bench before they had a falling out in 1985 when Bench served iceburg lettuce at one.
-Sleeps with a giant stuffed tiger.
-Oh, and he washes his hair with laundry soap.
[list=0]
[li]Eats shoots and leaves.[/li][li]Flies like an arrow; likes bananas.[/li][li]Is just not that into you.[/li][li]Shaves every man in Chicago who doesn’t shave himself.[/li][li]Walks on four legs in the morning, two legs during the day, and three legs in the evening.[/li][li]Has learned that conducting exit polls is an excellent way to meet women.[/li][/list]
Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee.
Bends steel in his bare hands.
Communicates telepathically with fish.
Uses Burma Shave.
Uses it? Hell, he wrote the jingles! Until 1947, when Norman Mailer took over.
-After midnight, his love comes tumbling down.
-Knows what “STENDEC” means.
-Can ride a Segway while facing backwards.
-He is Kaiser Sose.
Has narrowed the field to three possible reasons why Norah Jones didn’t come.
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sounds just like Wally Cox but looks like Ernest Borgnine.
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had a cameo on “Murphy Brown” as one of Murphy’s secretary’s.
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coined the word fershizzle.
Still says “Gonna marry it?” when someone says they love something.
Made the “Don’t eat the brown acid” comment at Woodstock.
He cuts his fingernails into points
Made the bad brown acid at Woodstock
Calls Ed Zotti “Ed Zitty” behind his back, despite a complete lack of acne on Ed’s part.
Only wears musk ox leather moccasins
His native American spirit animal? The banana slug.
1 cent from every purchase of kettle cooked potato chips goes to Cecil.
Prefers his martini’s stirred, not shaken.
Only uses non-iodized sea salt.
Wonders, if they existed, would Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb get along?
His spoons are convex, not concave.
His forks have 5 tines.
Is the former Chairman of the American-Chinese Joint Commission to Dig a Connecting Hole.
-He and Zeppo Marx invented Kix cereal.
-Accepted an advance to write a complete history of the glass bead and spent it all on pets.com stocks.
-Is singly responsible for the lack of the ‘cents’ symbol on most computer keyboards.
-Worked as an intern at an ad agency and designed a Microsoft Windows logo with nine panes. It was personally rejected by Bill Gates as being too “busy”.
-Lifts weights with Brian Dennehy.
-Once bested me at arm-wrestling… LEFT-HANDED!
-Served two years as a mate aboard the Calypso.
-Secretly wishes the ‘red-shirts’ wouldn’t beam down.
-Convinced Gene Roddenberry to call them ‘phasers’ instead of ‘zappers’.
-Laments that Joe DeRita wasn’t discovered earlier.
-Once hung out with Ice-T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice; but didn’t “chill”. Chuckles at the irony to this day.
-As a practical joke, he sawed off the legs to my Mom’s sewing table. Even though he made restitution and apologized, Mom’s still bitter and forbids me to talk about “that scofflaw” in her presence.
- Announced today that the position will be taken over by former FEMA director Michael Brown.
- Additionally announced that Mr. Brown’s new responsibilities will include preparing both countries for the possibility that the Chinese may all decide to jump into the air at the same time.
-In all actuality, hates sewing machines due to an unfortunate accident when he was little, and uses the ‘practical joke’ excuse to mask his real reason for defacing them.
Is listed in a crossword puzzle
Cecil…
Likes to dance on the underside of glass floors*, skate on the other side of the ice, and drive on the underside of the road.
Patented the stuff that you have to add to dehydrated water to make it drinkable.
Taught Mrs. O’Leary’s cow everything she knew.
Is the only person on whom all colours look good.
[sub]* Including the one at the CN Tower.[/sub]
Gasp! You take that back, you liar!
Knows when to fire all phasers, & when to get out the photon torpedos.
He once beat cancer…in a duel. (Matchlock pistols, at dawn, on the grounds of Blenheim Palace)
Came up with the characters and concept for Enterprise. (He had been under the impression it was for a “Capital One” commercial)
He invented the telephone. (Sadly, this was in 1978. When someone finally broke the news about Mr. Bell’s device, Cecil didn’t come out of his room for three days.)
Participated in the infamous “Babalon Working” ritual with L. Ron Hubbard in 1946.
Financed the import of the first Japanese anime series to be broadcast in U.S. (Sadly, even in a dubbed, reedited form, the 1943 serial “Captain Manji’s Pacific Liberation Quest” failed to connect with American audiences.)
Was born a poor black girl, grew up as a middle-class Chinese boy, and plans to die as a Navaho of indeterminate gender.
Knows the location of the Amber Room.
Picks his teeth with a sharpened rib of Idi Amin.
Makes the best Bloody Mary in six states and a Pacific protectorate to be named later.
Was once stalked by Heather Locklear.
Has on his pancreas a tattoo of a horseshoe crab, from one time when he was really, really, really drunk.
Killed Colonel Mustard in the billiard room with the candlestick.
Singlehandedly performs all manuscript reviews for Nature, Scientific American, Lancet, and Akron NASCAR Fans Quarterly.
With Fran Tarkenton, fingercuffed Barbara Hershey.