-Never casts a reflection.
-Always has an airtight alibi.
-Once sat in for Keith Moon.
But he doesn’t use weights, you see. He actually lifts Brian Dennehy. Brian doesn’t even accept money for the sessions, being content to listen to Cecil babbling on about various fascinating facts.
Cecil is also the only customer to have is own private china and silver service at Smitty’s BBQ in Lockhart, TX.
[ul]
[li]He always passes “Go” and always collects $200.[/li][li]He knows the sound of one hand clapping.[/li][li]He can go in swimming immediately after eating.[/li][li]He can write Japanese calligraphy … in the snow.[/li][li]He can untie a Gordian Knot. He ties his shoes with one every morning.[/li][/ul]
He put the bomb in Bombay.
He personally inspired me to put the ‘mental’ in “governmental”.
Tripler
. . . and to drink gallons of coffee, too.
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as luck would have it, was pointing a movie camera at the 6th floor of the Texas book depository on Nov 22nd 1963. Has decided not to release the footage.
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can drink melted wax and, after an understandable natural delay, produce a sculpture of almost any form requested
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single-handedly selected the colours in the Google logo
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can run while carrying scissors with no ill effects
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if hit by a large mallet, goes into a squashed concertina shape and then, with a determined expression, snaps back into his normal size and shape
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can tolerate kryptonite no problem, but blue tights can kill him
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is one of the very few people ever to have passed through a laminating machine and survived. No-one has ever been able to coax him to describe the horrors of the experience.
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once went over a large barrel in a small, simulated model of Niagara Falls
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can always find the end of the roll of sticky tape
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if provoked, can eject a foul odour that warns away predators
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possess the gift of natural camouflage, and can blend in perfectly with any background or pattern. He could be blended in with your wallpaper right now.
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due to an minor injury to his lip as a child, is unable to correctly pronounce the word ‘Stakhanovite’
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on ethical grounds, refuses to enter any room in which a game of Twister has been played
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patented the dull, creamy-grey cololur used on 99% of computer casings, and made a fortune
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is an acknowledged, world-ranking authority on the criteria by which people are judged to be acknowledged, world-ranking authorities
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was touched by a rainbow when young, and can now project images of himself into puddles on the ground
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can spit toads
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has eyesight so perfect he can count individual hair follicles at a distance of 50 feet, although people find it disconcerting when he points and does so
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by sense of smell alone, can immediately identify any brand of self-assembly furniture
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is to date the only person to have roller-skated down the Eiffel Tower and survived
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drives a unique car powered entirely by burning the little paper circles collected inside a hole puncher
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once ate a tin of dog food for a bet. He lost the bet. He had bet that he wouldn’t.
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has one earlobe made entirely of satin
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is the only person who has taught himself to cut people’s silhouettes using the front, full-on face view, rather than the more traditional profile
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if you know how to fold a one dollar bill correctly, you can produce what is in fact an uncanny likeness of Cecil’s face. The fold involves 31 separate steps.
. . . using his own urine stream!
. . . or someone else’s, if need be.
- Owns five Dyson vacuum cleaners and likes to run them simultaneously, creating 50,000 times the force of gravity.
I think that’s what the original implication was . . .
Likes Stevie Nicks better when she “has a little meat on her bones.”
Still thinks about Clara Peller and that night in Paris.
Knows what Sauerkraut Juice and Clamato are for.
Eagerly awaits the renaissance of toe socks.
Knows the names of every Secretary of the Treasury, in birthdate order.
Once fell into a sperm whale while it was being flensed, and came out smelling like Irish Spring.
Hell, I can do that. The difference is Cecil can do it without even eating German food.
- Once described Dean Martin as “my bitch”
- is currently at war with Belgium
- David Crosby is very, very afraid of him
- dubbed Gert Frobe’s voice in “Goldfinger”. And Shirley Bassey’s.
- burned Fenway park to the ground in 1978
- for Cecil, disco NEVER died
mm