99 Things Cheney Plans on Doing When He Becomes President Tomorrow (7/21/07)

Reroute all the money in the Fed to Focus on the Family.
Go to Cracker Barrel.
Commission Barbara Bush to do his laundry.

  • Dissolve the House and Senate, and declare the country the ‘First Empire of the United States’.
  • Begin issuing Letters of Marque, starting with Kellogg-Brown-Root
  • Invade Grenada (to have at least one win in the administration)
  • Hang a sign in the Oval Office for Dubya, “NEW-kyoo-lar”
  • Author legislation that makes him the official inventor of the Internet.


  • Declare war on Russia, calling it the “New Cold War.”

You fools! Do you realize what you’ve done? What if Cheney takes notice of this thread?

Lil’ Bush was an incredibly dissapointing show, even to this Bush-hating registered Republican, maybe because i was mentally comparing it to the 2Dtv Bush episodes…

Bush and Saddam
Schwarzanegger and Bush

He will issue signing statements for every piece of legislation that comes across his desk. They will all say, “Go fuck yourselves – President Dick Cheney”.

He will sign an executive order defining the 4th branch of government that the vice-president’s office occupies. Then he will classify it so highly that even the president cannot see it.

Rob from the poor and give to the rich!

Claim the Solar System for the U.S.A.

Have the now, newly-former President Dubya Bush sent on an
“extended, colonoscopic sabbatical”

Annex the U.S.A. to the United States of America

Adopt Dan Quayle as his new son

-Dress up like the Penguin from the old 1960s “Batman” series and walk around saying “Hey I’m the President! Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!”

-Update the “Occupation” info on his MySpace page

-Change Presidents Day to July 21 so he can score some cool gifts

-Finally make it to the top of the Lincoln Memorial without collapsing in utter exhaustion at step 35

-Spend four hours on Fox News telling the American public how he was the inspiration for Harry Potter, and then sit back and watch his approval rating blow through the roof

8:00 AM Take Hillary and Obama hunting.
9:00 AM Re-write the Constitution the way it should have been written.
10:00 AM Graciously accept his new title as King Of The World.
11:00 AM Declare California a threat to Homeland Security and bomb it.
12:00 PM Lunch at Olive Garden.
1:00 PM Nap.
5:00 PM Watch nightly newscasts on all of the stations.
5:40 PM Sign deportation papers for various newscasters.
6:00 PM Drinks at Hooters.

-Segregate a cocoon and do his annual moulting in it.

Sign a bunch of undated pardons for himself - “just in case”

  1. ) Outlaw all hybrid vehicles.
    2.) Insert “Haliburton” after “One Nation” in the Pledge of Allegiance
    3.) Kill Opal (Hey, he’s eeeevil!)
    4.) Order all dictionaries to replace the current definition of “Liberal” with “Satan worshipper.”
    5.) Have his daughter shipped to Gitmo where she can be “deprogrammed” of her desire to be a lesbian.
    6.) Take Bush “hunting.” nudge, nudge, wink, wink
    7.) Force J. K. Rowling to write another Harry Potter book in which Potter has to fight Islamic terrorists.
    8.) Change the Secret Service’s font to that of two lightning bolts.
    9.) Order the FBI to “Take that Olbermann guy out and have him shot!”
    10.) Force Al Gore to dance like a monkey on the Truman Balcony.
    11.) Annex Mexico and legalize slavery of those born there.
    12.) Dig Molly Ivins up and sodomize her corpse “Just because I can!”
    13.) Appoint Anne Coulter head of the new Department of Citizen Re-Education.
    14.) Have breakfast.
    15.) Pardon Lyndie English and Scooter.
    16.) Rename the “Kennedy Center” the “Lee Harvey Oswald Center.”
    17.) Prank call John Kerry.
    18.) Invade Cuba.
    19.) Have Nixon declared a saint by all religious organizations in the US by threatening to revoke their tax exempt status.
    20.) Federalize Apple Inc. and force them to develop the Cheney/Jarvik 8 Artificial Heart.
    21.) Break for lunch.
    22.) Order all Democratic members of Congress shot.
    23.) Make Joseph Lieberman “Head Jew.”
    24.) Turn MTV into “The Beavis and Butthead Channel.”
    25.) Go on national TV and announce that the “undisclosed location” he’s been hanging out in, is really a titty bar where Condi Rice works part time.
    26.) Make wife’s pr0n novels manditory reading.
    27.) Dynamite some puppies in a barrel just for the sport of it.
    28.) Order NASA to begin working on a “robopenis.”
    29.) Declare Tony Blair to be the National Lapdog.
    30.) Dine on Kittens ala Orange.
    31.) Pimp it!
    32.) Slap wife around so she doesn’t forget her station in life.
    33.) Require all children born to be named “Richard Cheney” just to piss off those jerks at the Social Security office.
    34.) Replace “Hail to the Chief” with “Mars, God of War” by Holst.
    35.) Go to sleep, dreaming of what he’ll do tomorrow! :eek:
  1. Declare all non-reptilian life forms enemy combatants.
  2. Relocate all enemy combatants to Antarctica.
  3. Declare all enemy combatants unworthy of receiving food, shelter, and clothing.
  4. Remove his human disguise and order his minions to do the same.
  5. Declare the words “In God we trust” to be anti-Reptilian; replace them with “Reptiles Rule!”

“Thumby War” with Putin.
Three lolcats on the front page.

Thanks, Tuckerfan! That’s my winner! :smiley:

Looks like Cheney’s got a big day planned - do you think he’ll have time to commission a statue of himself giving us all the finger?

Listening to too much David Icke lately, aren’t’cha? :smiley:

My contribution- use his office to perform one official lesbian marriage, AND ONLY ONE, and then forbid all others by Executive Fiat.

Holy crap! I just saw on the news that he declared “DEFCON Midnight”!! :eek:

If this is accurate, then the Reign of Terror is over.

So we’re back to the Reign of Terra.

I can hear Alan Dershowitz saying that.

Get Aaron Sorkin to write hilarious sequel to The West Wing about the amusing adventures of a right wing Veep.