99 Things Cheney Plans on Doing When He Becomes President Tomorrow (7/21/07)

So Bush will cede power to Dick tomorrow when he undergoes a colonoscopy. (For those who constantly wonder what’s up the President’s ass at any time on any given day, tomorrow, you definitively know for sure.)

So here are some things I’ve heard Dickey boy’s got planned for his (second) tenure as leader of the free world:
-Take a deuce in the Lincoln Bathroom
-Bomb Guam
-Disband the Cabinet and name Halliburton CEO David Lesar “Secretary of America”
-Paint the White House with pig and ox blood as instructed by his Dark Lord Vrmanicles
-Mouth sex with Laura Bush
-Finally finish the Washington Times crossword from August 12, 2003
-Rename the country Chenea

-Launch a federal investigation into that “foreign sports league,” the NHL
-Eliminate weekends
-Declare Shasta Lemon-Lime the “National Beverage”
-Pass an executive order that “Anyone who has ever had anything stuck up their butt to be ineligible for the Presidency”
-Have a leisurely afternoon heart attack
-Stop by the liquor store
-Do 15 pushups

  • Have Letterman and Leno executed
  • Retry OJ
  • Banish Valerie Plame and anybody who ever visited her home

Break out the nukes, just in case.

Veto, veto, veto!

Announce the establishment of a coalition to fight The War on Squirrels.

He will add bacon salt to the DEA’s list of banned sustances.

Hold his first live national press conference–and read aloud the last paragraph of the new Harry Potter book.

I guess that means W won’t have a job when he gets back from his colonoscopy!!

Other things he’ll do:
-Bomb the NY Times and Washington Post
-Go “duck” hunting over at the Democratic National Headquarters
-Declare that the Presidency is no longer a part of the Executive Branch
-Fire those four anti-American liberal Supreme Court Justices
-Change the Department of Energy to the Department of Halliburton
-Get rid of those pesky liberal departments like Labor, Housing and Urban Development, and the EPA
-Send F*** you voice mail messages to all the rest of the Dem Senators
-Force Nancy Pelosi to take off her shoes and get back in the kitchen
-Toss a couple of nukes into Iran

And just for fun, he’ll annex, I mean liberate, Canada.

His first statement to the press will be “Are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“We know of a remote farm in Linconshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives, every July, Peas grow there…”

-Extend Executive Privilege to include masturbating on the South Lawn
-Send GWB a get-well basket of Buffalo Wings, extra spicy
-Kill and devour all the White House pets
-Put on that Joni Mitchell CD he’s been meaning to listen to
-Sneer and be ornery
-Re-hire John “Wiggles” Ashcroft

  • Kill and mount Michael Moore on the Oval Office wall
  1. Blindfold self
  2. Throw darts at world map on wall
  3. Bomb the countries that get hit by the darts, no matter who they may be … including the US! Except for Israel of course. Never Israel.
  4. Free residents of Gitmo. Replace with randomly selected US citizens. Let press know who they are, but not why they’re there … just mutter darkly about homeland security.
  5. Give secret orders for US government to set up secret second White House in Abu Dhabi.
  6. Issue Presidential finding that Halliburton is America’s company and must get first dibs on all the best govt. contracts.
  7. Give teary, blubbering press conference in which he explains that he hasn’t been laid in 20 years and his daughter is a LESBIAN for Chrissake, a fucking LESBIAN. Bombing countries randomly is the only thing a man can do! Feign ignorance of all other activities. Suggest it was Bush.
  8. Return to Secret Hideaway and watch news coverage, laughing uproariously.

I have nothing worthy to contribute, but I just wanted to say that I just called up one of my friends and was reading to her your suggestions. We both laughed. A lot.

There are some things you just don’t joke about.

Even though MacTech had the same idea, I can’t help it:

The same thing he does every night…TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

bThey’re zany, they’re Cheney and the Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush.b

(Now that I think about it, a Pinky and the Brain-style parody of Bush and Cheney would be infinitely more entertaining that the travesty that is Li’l “Try to forget I wrote that Mr. Sparkle episode” Bush.

Shoot an old man in the face

No wait - he’s already done that. Make that shoot Nancy Pelosi in the face.

Fire every single person in the Justice Department; replace them all with lawyers currently representing the Five Families.


Abandon the White House for a skull-shaped fortress on a remote volcanic island.