The Vatican Conclave is Old School.
It is last so millennium or two.
The people want a Pope who is fresh. With it? Dare we say Hip?
Vatican Idol will deliver the goods! Fo’shizzle!
The Vatican Conclave has 117 men in funny hats vote on which one to make it to the Big Show without any cameras on the preceeding at all.
How wrong is that?
When they have picked a pope in the past, they blow smoke.
When Vatican Idol picks a pope, we drop balloons and run the credit by in a nanosecond! Allowing you to feel cheated out of an mental orgasm that your pope won!
Vatican Idol brings it out into the open where it is live, unrehearsed for the audition of their life for a role they have wanted their entire lives: To Be ** Da Pope!**
It won’t be 117 old men who haven’t had sex in a long, long time ( if ever) to decide the fate of Catholics World Wide, but the jaded and opinionated Simon Crowell who gave the world the Spice Girls; an outdated pop singer (married & divorced twice) from the 80’s, Paula Abdul; and one special musical judge:** Mick Jagger ** (whose excesses and sexcapades are well documented.) have more experience vertical and horizontal in the cruel, cruel world of Entertainment will send the poser popes packing in no time!
Wait, to add to the hipness, Vatican Idol will let YOU, the viewer at home, help decide by calling a special number:** 1-900-PONTIFF.** And the best part is *YOU Don’t Have To Be Catholic! or if you just want to try it out for a shortwhile with no obligations. * You just need to own a phone. You can pick a pontiff for your papist pals! Pretty cool, huh?
We will have never before seen, behind the scenes footage on how the Cardinals prepare for their gigs.
The smiting! **
You won’t have to endure watching the proceedings on CNN or CSPAN with longwinded dull, dull, dull commentaries. You can watch it all on Fox, where the entire Very Special Vatican Idol will run commercial free! Yes, you heard that right: Commercial Free! In a very special agreement with the Vatican and to help offset the Sexual Abuse Case settlements expenses, the cardinals have agreed to wear robes featuring corporate sponsorship! If only Presidents were so easy to bribe!
The Versace Family has generously donated their time and effort to help style the prospective-pontiff’s robes with the dignity of this position, while bringing it up to date with tasteful embellishments of the corporate logos of *Trojan, Mogan-David Wine, Depo-Provera, N.O.W., GLBT, Star of David Tabernacle, Michael Moore and Skoal **, to name a few!
The prospective Pontiffs will show you their stuff by singing, waving the official Papal Wave, blessings, benedictions, hugging little children, using the incense thingie on a ball and stick and how well they throw down the guilt in the homily! In the rare event of a tie, we at Vatican Idol have come up with a Deal Breaker Category that is a desperate attempt to bring Negro’s to Catholicism: Rappin’ in Latin! ](Try that, Snoopy Dawg and Ice T!)
Don’t miss your chance to make history! Set your TiVo to Saturday at 8pm Eastern Standard Time. This won’t happen again for a long, long time.
We now return you to your regularly schedule show.