Suggestions for ways to pick a new Pope

Cafe Society
1

The College of Cardinals and the color coded smoke was impressive in its time but the church needs to modernize. How would you pick the new Pope?

Some suggestions:

The Vatican Bakery bakes millions and millions of wafers that go out by plane, train, automobile, raven, balloon, pack mule, and any other way wafers can travel to every Catholic church for a special communion. Most are just plain flour and water, but there are five special “Golden Wafers” that will entitle the person receiving them to a trip to the Vatican, where they’ll hear songs such as “Come with me and you’ll see a world of transubstantiation” or nuns sing “Opus Deus opus de doo” until one by one they’re eliminated and only one special candidate remains.

OR

Benedict XVI stays on to choose his successor from among a team of two dozen. each week telling one “You’re excommunicated!” until there remains only one.

Other methods?

2

The papal enclave is fitted out with cameras, the candidates are shut in. They have regular sessions in the Confessional. Bizarre and difficult tasks are assigned by Big Father, and the candidates get to vote on who stands for elimination. Then they face the Vox Populi…

3

Hey, being the Pope involves a lot of singing. I bring you The Vatacin Got Talent.

4

Papal Games. Two from each region, last one with a pulse is the Pope.

5

Survivor: Vatican Edition. After competitions, scheming, plotting, the immunity rosary, competitors weekly gather for a Vatican Council to vote who gets elimnated. Poison ensues.

6

How much could they get on eBay?

BE THE NEXT POPE!!

7

Dwarf tossing.

8

Whoever draws the black pickled egg from the jar at Moe’s.

9

Last Cardinal standing from the Jammy Shuffle.

10

Since the first requirement is being a male, maybe at the pickings penis can ensue.

11

Send Tom Hanks on a scavenger hunt - first clue again is taped behind the Mona Lisa, but further clues will be found world-wide. Once Tom has discovered the name, he will light up a cigarette in any restaurant in California and the uproar will be heard nationwide and we will know he was successful in his search!

Or they could do it the old fashioned way - offer booze, pills and young boys to the other Cardinals and get enough votes to win one of the rounds of elections - then burning the scraps of papers with all of those promises so nobody can see the deals that were made.

12

Battle Of The Network Popes
Pope Gladiators
The Job
Survivor: The Vatican

13

At 7-11, buy coffee in the cup of the cardinal you want to win.

14

“Unum solanum tuberosum,
Duo solana tuberosa,
Tria solana tuberosa,
Quattuor…”

15

Trial by fire. All candidates must walk through a pit of hot coals. The one who isn’t burnt at the end wins. Everyone else wins if each candidate fails and we have no Pope

16

Pope Tony Robbins?

17

If there is a tie, we use a den of hungry lions.

18

Sampiro! It hasn’t been the same without you.

Tie 'em up and toss 'em in a lake. Everyone knows True Popes don’t float.

19

How about one that doesn’t rape kids and even takes swift and decisive action against those in the church that do rape?

Mine might be the most fanciful answer so far!

20

If they’d do one of those caged-combat events, I might even consider converting.