Thank you. I remembered hearing a Pope-picking joke but could not place it. I was thinking Monty Python, but that was bishops.
It is pretty hard to beat the Holy Smoke.
When the Coptic church in Egypt chose its leader, three candidates were chosen by the equivalent of the Cardinals, and then one of their names was pulled out of a container by someone who was blindfolded.
I knew there was a reason the Pope picked February for the announcement.
Papal Thunderdome !
The new Pope should be selected by the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody would expect that!
Everybody who’s interested in being the new Pope drop their names in a glowing goblet at the Vatican. Cardinal Dumbledore puts a “piety line” around it to make sure none of those pesky Protestants or Muslims are able to enter as a joke. Then the glowing goblet spits out the names of three (or maybe four, if there’s cheatin’ afoot) cardinals, who must then engage in contests designed to show who has the strongest faith, most magical power, and best hat. Winner gets the job!
Hey, I’d pay to watch that. 
Highlander.
'Nuff said.
I don’t have any suggestions but this OP was fantastic 
Thanks for the laugh today!
Shitting in the woods contest. Judged by the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Commission.
Satan (who is Catholic, and could get through the line) would throw Betty White’s name in, and there’d be nothing anybody could do. They’d have to let her compete. Then she’d win.
Extemporaneous ‘Pope quiz’
Blood of Christ drinking contest. Between rounds they each have perform part of a mass. This would be televised, of course.
Put them all in a room with a TV playing a boy’s choir on an endless loop. Last one to pop a boner wins
Is that the commission made up of Catholic bears?
C’mon. Can’t we get beyond Tunderdome?
OK then. How about Papal Jeopardy ? “I’ll take Obscure Latin Rituals for $ 200, Alex”
I think I’ll be over Macho Grande before I get Beyond Thunderdome.
There’s a State of the Union Address tomorrow. I think Obama should go ahead and appoint a new Pope.
My choice: Al Pacino.
They should just rock it old school and give it to a living Medici descentant.