Rightly or wrongly, I don’t trust anyone whose first reaction to any perceived “harrassment” is to run straight to their lawyer.
I didn’t say his actions were all A-OK (though I don’t find them to be anything beyond mildly inappropriate). I just said we don’t have any real evidence that he improperly accessed any databases to get her information.
I also don’t think there’s anything here that calls out for reporting to superiors let alone launching a lawsuit so long as there was only the one note (unless he actually did improperly access a database, for which he should receive punishment according to established policy). But for all I know there’s additional context that we’re missing that would establish his behaviour as worse than I’m assessing it.
You’re correct, though. We should take this one isolated incident as a basis to conclude that the cop has been pulling over only attractive women for the express purpose of ogling them and obtaining their addresses, rather than because they were speeding.
If she says “no, I don’t want to date you” and he continues, then you can call him a stalker. I hope my sisters experience doesn’t necessarily reflect all stalker experiences because the stalker ended up murdering my father.
Stalking is something that is serious. This case, is not serious. He asked her out ONE TIME. Has he followed her where ever she went for months on end? Has he sabotaged her car so it would break down and he could “rescue” her? Has he called her a thousand times on her phone? Has told everyone he knows how much in love they are? How they are going to get married? These are the sorts of things stalkers do. That is what stalking is. Calling “leaving a note on her car” stalking is ignorance. So me one anti-stalking law that includes “leaving a note on her car” stalking. Show me. Or quit calling it stalking.
This woman wants out of ticket. Pure and simple.
How do you know, that he knew she wasn’t at home? If her car is there, she is probably home. If she said “yes” this would be considered a romantic story. I’m sorry leaving a note on her car is the “normal way to ask someone out” approved message. It wasn’t an anonymous note. Asking her out during the traffic stop, when he was armed and in on duty would be very inappropriate. He is doing this off duty. He isn’t a cop, he is a man whose job is law enforcement officer.
Your trying to make anything you don’t approve of “stalker-ish” and illegal is highly disturbing.
If someone left me a note on my car when I was home at my apartment complex, I would be seriously unnerved. Even more so if it was someone I had talked to one time, which it sounds like was the case here. And even more so if that someone was a cop. Without extenuating circumstances I wouldn’t file a lawsuit, but I’d probably talk to the cop’s supervisor.
And is leaving a note on someone’s car really a normal way to ask someone out? I don’t ever remember hearing anyone I know ask or be asked out in that manner. It is fairly unusual. For one thing, there’s the fact that rarely anything good is ever left on cars. Usually when there’s a paper stuck on a car it’s a ticket, a note about hitting the car, a note complaining about how bad the car is parked, or a flyer promoting a new club or restaurant or something. If I came up to my car anywhere and saw a note was stuck on the windshield I’d start off annoyed, and be much less receptive to being asked out.
The note might have been okay if it was sent on Facebook or something like that. In general, you don’t need that much to find someone on Facebook other than their name and vague memory of what they look like. In her place if I received the same message through Facebook I might or might not say yes to the date, but I wouldn’t be creeped out, and definitely wouldn’t make a complaint anywhere.
The point is that the cop is no longer a credible witness. He abused his position. Hell, if I were a woman who received a ticket from him, I’d take it to a judge every time.
Not OK. She did not give her name to the cop freely.
ETA: this is in response to Zebra
Again, because I’ve said this before, in this very thread, I am not saying he IS a stalker. I acknowledge that he’s probably just clueless and didn’t realize how his behaviour could be perceived. Again, I used terms like stalkerish - things similar to things a stalker might do.
You are not reading what I’m actually saying and you are putting more weight onto my words than I intend. I’m sorry for what happened to you and your family, but I feel like the extreme case you’ve experienced has numbed you a little to lesser situations.
Again, I don’t think this man is a stalker. I think his behaviour was abnormal, inappropriate and intimidating, and those are behaviours that I would be very uncomfortable with, even if I never cross paths with the person again.
That’s all I’m saying. I don’t know all the details, I don’t know all the nuances. I don’t know if she tried to call him/his department and what happened when she got someone on the line. But neither do you.
Maybe she’s going too far by suing. Maybe not. But she was scared by his behaviour and everything else comes from that. I understand why she’d be scared.
She is claiming she was scared.
Stalker has a distinct meaning. You trying to backpedal with stalker-ish and saying what he did is akin to an illegal act is incorrect.
Is a person who looks a long time at an item in a store shoplifter-ish?
If I look at a woman’s breasts am I raper-ish?
Calling someone stalker-ish is an accusation of stalking. It is completely inappropriate to call him stalker or stalker-ish for leaving a note on her car. The guy is obviously shy. But clearly being shy should be a criminal offence. If one doesn’t ‘court’ in a way that although is absolutely harmless is ‘different’ then let’s make him lose his job and the people who hired him owe us millions.
A non-face to face request for a date is scary? If you think that what he did was scary it doesn’t mean he is a scary person. It means you are paranoid. In the note he is self-deprecating (I’m the bald guy) and clearly says “I understand if you don’t want to respond”. How the hell is that scary? He isn’t pointing a gun at her. He isn’t demanding a date. He isn’t knocking on her door. I really don’t understand how anyone can call this scary.
No I am not numbed to lesser situations by my previous experience. When I see stalker-ish behavior I call it out and always urge nipping it in the bud. I just don’t see this action is not scary in any way.
Yes, she should call his boss, yes the boss should pull him aside and say “don’t do that” and that ideally should be the end of it instead of the whole thing being blown out of proportion and everyone the internet laughing at his lack of “man skillz”.
I really can’t think of a more gentle way to ask a woman than this. Maybe he should have left a kitten there or something.
I’m guessing (note I am guessing) that something during the stop gave him an idea that maybe he stood a shot her. Maybe, just maybe, she was trying to flirt her way out of a ticket and he took it wrong. I think that is a pretty realistic possibility. But noooooo, if a woman cries “he made me uncomfortable” we just naturally believe that she is right and he is, in fact, Mr. Hyde.
That might sound ideal to you, but might not be legally possible:
Similarly, I work in a hospital, and per workplace policies as well as federal privacy laws, I’m supposed to have a damned good, work-only reason any time I look in a chart, look up a patient in the online database, etc., and even stuff like just searching for celebrity names, names of relatives, etc., could get me disciplined, fired, and/or heavily fined. Calling a cute guy who “gave” me his phone number… when he updated his information in our systems? Definitely not allowed.
So whether or not there was an “acceptable” reason for filing a lawsuit, the officer in question might well have committed a firing offense.
I see no reason to doubt her about whether she was scared or not. There’d be no reason for her to be scared if we lived in a perfect world where all men accepted the answer of “no, I will not go on a date with you.” But we don’t live in that world. Most women have probably been in the situation where after she said no, the man then escalates. Usually the escalation is just into being annoying and trying to convince her why he’s great and why they should go out. Some men escalate it more into outright harassment. And an even smaller percentage of men escalate it into scary and violent territory. This last group is a small percentage of men, but they do exist.
If he left the note on her car at her workplace or somewhere else that wasn’t her home, she could feel that even if he continued escalated, it would be awkward but could avoid him easier. But your home is your sanctuary, and it’s more intimidating when things happen there. I don’t know if I’m being fully coherent, but I’m just putting myself in her place, and it’s how I’d feel.
He might be the nicest, least harmless guy ever. But she’s only met him once, and received a note from him on her car at her home, which is not normal appropriate behavior. If he has already behaved inappropriately, it seems reasonable for her to think that he’ll behave inappropriately in the future and worry about it.
Based on what we know, I’m not saying that he’s a creep or a stalker or a terrible person or that he deserves to be fired or anything like that. He might be just an awkward person. I am socially awkward myself, so I do feel for other socially awkward people. But he behaved in a borderline creepy way, and it would be best for him to never do that, and for him and other people to learn from it and not do it either.
And you are telling her she wasn’t, which is silly.
I did not backpedal. I never called him a stalker. I was referring to an action taken by the cop, not to the cop himself.
Perhaps, perhaps not. Nothing is that simple or that black and white. If you’re staring at my breasts and making me uncomfortable, I will likely start to think that you have ill intent towards me, up to and including rape. Why wouldn’t I? Your actions have made me uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean you are a rapist, it means you made me wary and I may react to that, either by walking away, asking you to stop, reporting you to authorities or whatever. It all depends on the entirety of the circumstances, naturally.
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Calling someone stalker-ish is an accusation of stalking. It is completely inappropriate to call him stalker or stalker-ish for leaving a note on her car. The guy is obviously shy. But clearly being shy should be a criminal offence. If one doesn’t ‘court’ in a way that although is absolutely harmless is ‘different’ then let’s make him lose his job and the people who hired him owe us millions.
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I don’t even know how to answer this. If someone that I met in a brief professional encounter leaves a note like that on my car, I might worry about what might happen if I have to deal with that person again in the future. I might worry about how he found my home, how he found my car. I might worry about why he went to such lengths. These things might make me uncomfortable, and I may react to that.
I have said nothing about criminalizing shyness or anything of that nature. You are pretending that a handful of sentences directed at a specific case somehow applies to all cases, no matter how generalized. The world just doesn’t work that way and you are making yourself look silly.
Read what I say about this situation, don’t pretend it applies to any and all circumstances you might possibly imagine.
I didn’t realize you were the absolute arbiter of what is and isn’t scary in this world. Could you perhaps send me a list?
OK, but several other people - including the woman in question - do find it scary, or, at the least, inappropriate. Are you seriously telling us that we are all wrong? His actions made her uncomfortable.
Ok, but some people do.
For all we know, she did call his boss, and he told her to fuck off. We don’t know what happened from that point on. It might be the actions of the boss/department/cop after she responded to the note that she’s suing over. I don’t know if it’s valid or not, as I’ve already said in this thread, but neither do you. You assume that she’s a man-hating paranoid freak on a money grab. She might be. Or she might legitimately have been badly treated and she has a valid case.
If a cop, or a grocery checkout guy, or the guy at the gas station were to track my car down outside my home and leave a note asking me out, I’d be creeped out. I wouldn’t like it, and I’d contact his employer over it. I would be concerned that he might come back, and would wonder how he tracked me down.
I think it’s really rude of you to dismiss these valid reactions that women have.
What people seem to be forgetting is his job.
Does this man, when he sees a girl he fancies, pull her over on a pretext ?
Your tail light seems to be working imtermittently mam/ I clocked you at going over the speed limit etc.
Police should be like Caesars wife, not only free from taint, but SEEN to be free from taint.
How many pretty women from now on will be woried about randy cops picking them out for "special "treatment ?
Even if they’re just pulled over and there is no further action its still worrying, and still a nuisance if it makes them late for work whatever.
This officers actions have undermined civilians trust in the police.
There are enough malicious and spurious allegations made about the police generally, and individually, without this man fanning the flames.
At best he is an idiot, at worst he is disturbing.
He should not be in a position of empowerment over members of the public.
I have a general distaste for cops. It doesn’t take much for me to jump on any anti-cop bandwagon.
But all I see hear is a young somewhat less than confident young man who managed to secure an opportunity to petition a for a possible date in the most self deprecating and harmless manner that the recipient was free to ignore without any pressure whatsover.
Yes he shouldn’t do it. I can see that. But I don’t see it as illegal or stalking. Perhaps they should address propositioning dates in the police manual.
The problem for me is that although I’m over 60 years of age I could see myself at 27 not being able to grasp the possibility that the cop might have been inappropriate.
If he had called her or mailed a letter, I wouldn’t think it so bad, but leaving a note on her car? That would creep me out. I would hope she tried to handle it in other ways prior to filing a lawsuit, but looking up someone’s information in a restricted database is just wrong.
Haha, I like that idea. I ought to forward that to police academy.
As I’ve hinted on one of my posts, if you know the neighboring Chicago (look up Chicago police dept’s extensive prior reputation of corruption and abusing their authority and the recently captured video of a cop viciously beating of a female bartender fiasco just as an example of the many; punishments are generally slap on the wrist to nil) and Cicero (the town next to the said town notorious with the extensive history of corruption and affiliation with mafia… the town’s former mayor went to jail while in office for the very deed), you’d immediately think the worst possibilities too.
Years ago my daughter accidentally ran into the bumper of an off duty cop. She was 18. He got out of the car, looked at the bumper, came over to my daughter, who was also looking at the bumper (she is pretty). He immediately informed her he was a cop, and that if she would meet him for a drink, they could settle up without bringing her insurance company into it.
She took his phone number, but instead decided to call the insurance company, who after questioning her -reported the incident to the cops supervisor.
After that she was constantly ticketed, followed, and pulled over by cops, until she moved to another city.
Apparently in the city she is in now, she has no trouble with police or her driving.
Some cities have a “good ole boy system” in place with the brotherhood of police. The woman in the O.P.'s situation may have been damned if she did, damned if she didn’t.