A friend's little girl died

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Thank you for sharing that, MerryMagdalen. I feel like I am at the edge too, even though I saw her during her pregnancy and knew a bunch of stories about the girls. I don’t have kids and I still feel so sad and can’t imagine how she is.

She called L and L let her talk and didn’t let on that she already knew about Katie. C sounded calm but of course is medicated because she can’t sleep without it. She eats what’s put in front of her but of course has no appetite. Apparently the hospital bill is a million dollars and thank goodness they have insurance to cover 90%. The community here is great–there are fundraisers going on to help with the bill but also expenses they had in travelling and hotels and everything.

C and family are home and their daughter is happy to be back with her parents after all this time staying with the grandparents. Maybe that will be the motivation to keep going.

22

I know it’s really hard to know what to say. I’ve lost two daughters in infancy and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t know what to say except “I love you, I’m here for you, let me know if you need me”.

I highly recommend the Compassionate Friends. When my first daughter died (13 months old, car accident) this group really helped me get through the really bad days in the beginning. It was someplace I could go and cry and not feel like I needed to suck it up and be stoic.

Best wishes to you and to your friend gigi. I’m sorry for her loss.

23

When should I mention things like Compassionate Friends? I feel like I don’t want to rush to suggesting “solutions” when she is grieving. Although I guess her close friends and family may already be available with suggestions for counseling, etc. Who knows, maybe the folks at the hospital provided resources.

velvetjones, I’m sorry for the loss of your girls. Thank you for sharing.

24

velvetjones, I’m so sorry. So sorry.

MerryMagdalen – my daughter’s condition was Tetralogy of Fallot; she died following her first open-heart surgery. I was also told there was no more that could be done. Thanks for posting the link; I really haven’t wanted to provide more info on it, which is my usual inclination … but in this case, it’s just too hard.

25

These threads always leave me feeling a strange mixture of despressed for the loss of a young life and joyously happy that everything is normal (whatever normal is.) in my personal family life.

Gigi it is going to be a shitstorm of raw emotions for your friend and her family. Bringing food, helping out outside and inside the house. Most importantly, being there with them. You ( or whomever) may feel intrusive and in-the-way, but to the greiving, they are trapped inside the mental torture horror ground with no way out at this stage. They probably won’t even remember who was over. It will all be a blur.

There will be a lot of guilt and anger. Don’t let them bottle it up.

When they cry, hold them. You don’t have to say anything. It’s not going to be ok. It’s going to be shitty with a 100% chance of darkness in the future when you least expect it and eventually they will start to feel sunlight on their skin again, but it won’t be for awhile. All friends and family need to do is just be there to let them know they are not alone.

[hijack]

Also, and this is the germophobe* in me speaking, go over there armed with Foaming Hospital Grade Lysol Disinfectant leave on 10 minutes to kill staph and other assorted creepie crawlies that you never think about until google came along. on every nonpourous surface ( banisters, handles, bathrooms, floors, counters, …anything. It’s fun if you put your mind into the correct frame.) Don’t forget to leave a few windows open, so you have lungs when you finish. Did this for a friend whose daughters have Cystic Fibrosis and we went Defcon Five over a psuedomonas scare. She wanted to pay me for killing germs. I got to have fun doing my OCD and help out a friend. It was a great day. I took two cans of this stuff mentioned and scoured the living shit out of my house the next day.

*four brothers with Muscular Dystrophy means 4 people with compromised immune systems. Colds devestated them. Three have died from pneumonia started by what would be a harmless cold to you or me. Smothering to death is not fun. All had staph infections at one time or another. All from hospital stays. Nightmares galore.

Shag your family’s story has always stayed with me and I have always wondered what the condition/disease was, but didn’t want to intrude. Thank you for sharing and my mind boggles over the insurance hassles you two went through during that craptacular time in your life. Yay for Boston Children’s Hospital.

Velvet and Ellen and anyone else who has lost a child, my heartfelt condolences to you and yours.

26

Stages of Grief

27

What sad news :frowning: Condolences all around. Thanks to everyone for sharing.

28

Gigi, I’m so very sorry for your loss…

I have a son who is five. He broke an etcha-sketch in school today and I had to go to Toys R Us to replace it (as well as buy the whole class snacks). I punished him by not letting him play any video games and he went to bed tonight angry with me.

I’m going to wake him up with a hug now…

29

Look for ways to help. If they are drowning in food, offer (or just show up–don’t be surprised to be turned down) to clean. Or take the pet to the vet. Or get the drycleaning-whatever. Or just go with the mom somewhere, in case mom loses it at the doctor’s office or the DMV. Not that you should hover and be a bodyguard, but a kind and loving presence sometimes makes the difference. You can ask (and I suggest you do) but don’t be surprised if they can’t think of anyway you can help–better to just do X, whatever it is (within reason, of course).

30

My SIL is involved with Compassionate Friends and she and her husband found great comfort in it (though I can’t imagine why…it would push me over the edge, I think).

The best advice I’ve heard is to remember their child. Sometimes people are afraid to talk about the child, but most everyone I know who has lost a child likes to hear that they were loved and remembered.

Best wishes to your friend. I cannot imagine anything worse.

31

I’m so sorry, gigi. This is the worst thing in the world; the worst thing that could happen, ever. I know, my 2-year-old niece died in a car accident January 12, 2004, and it’s something you never get over, you never heal from, you merely survive. My condolences that it’s happened to someone you know and love.

Everyone’s right, there’s little you can do except listen and be there for your friend. I’d mention counseling or Compassionate Friends, but later - I don’t think now is the time. Maybe in a month or two you could gently bring it up, or perhaps in a casual email - “I saw this and checked it out; it looked really helpful to me and I might be consulting it later - thought you might find something useful too.”

You’re in my thoughts.

32

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and sympathy.

Here is the news story about her death.

"Montero said staph infections are one of the most frequent causes of disease in humans. He said the bacteria are part of normal human biology, and most have natural defenses.

But in growing numbers, the bacteria are causing infections. The increasing use of antibiotics has forced the strains to evolve a resistance, becoming more lethal."

33

I wonder if this wasn’t MRSA-Methcillin Resistant Staph Aureus.

More info here: MRSA

There are different types of staph, so I really don’t know if this is the one that caused her death. I have never heard of pneumonia caused by MRSA. (paging Quadagop)

Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

34

I wonder too…my coworker who knew about Katie mentioned that two of his friends have MRSA, which scared me! Apparently the husband works at a hospital and picked it up, and the wife then got it. She said it’s spread through saliva or blood, but that article says skin-to-skin contact. Maybe that’s only if you have an active skin outbreak??

35

Katie’s mom came to our guild last night and seemed to be doing OK, but she said she’s in a fog right now. It was in fact “complications from MRSA bacterial pneumonia”. They did a full autopsy because it was a strain they had never seen before and they wanted to try to map the DNA. Another four-year-old was brought in while they were still at the hospital, with the same thing, and since the medical folks had just seen Katie, they knew more quickly what was going on.

C basically came into the room saying “don’t start, or I’ll start!” but was able to talk about everything. She seemed like herself but of course with a numbness and quietness to her. But she said she wants to do “normal” things and that she was hesitant to come because of bringing things down but also wanted to interact with us the way she always does.

I just tried to repeat that she should call if she needs anything. I figure she is holding it together since her family is coming to town and they are burying Katie on Saturday. Hopefully she will ask for help if she needs it after everything settles out. She did decide to quit her job and stay home with her other daughter, something she was considering before all this happened.

36

I’d like to suggest that instead of telling her to ask if she needs something, ask her if you can help in a specific way. And talk about happy memories of Katie.

God. This rips my heart out.

37

Feel it in my heart. Be genuine.

I know that being surrounded by genuine people helps anyone in time of need.

38

MRSA bacterial pneumonia nearly killed my oldest son when he was 1 month old. We were at Children’s Hospital in Seattle for three weeks while he recovered. (It was during the SDMB’s Winter of Missed Content, and boy, did I feel the loss of the boards then.)

It is scary stuff. And I can’t imagine what this family must be going through, I really can’t. You’re a good friend, gigi.

39

That’s what was so cool about last night–a gentle circle of friends were around her but no one piped up with platitudes or anything uncomfortable. These Yankees know how to do the quiet support thing! The comment was made that them being willing to have the autopsy was a gift to other kids, and that was a sweet moment.

She also talked about how people had been calling to see what they could do and she finally told one guy, well, the lawn’s needs mowing. He was super-excited to help out, obviously with a concrete task he could handle that would be a symbol of his support.

She also said people have been bringing lunch and dinner over and that she only had to shop for breakfast food. She said she made a note for next time someone dies, to bring breakfast food because people don’t think of that.

I just have to say what a wonderful person she is in general. They had the kids in a day care where they were probably the only ones paying full price. The kids came in on freezing days with no coat, no gloves,… She immediately got our guild making mittens, and she and hubby donated $300 for coats the day care bought and gave out. She has such a giving heart.

She said her husband is the one who is crying a lot about it. He wrote the obituary which is a wonderful picture of a happy little girl. I feel kind of bad because the guild is going to be making a quilt for her (and a mini version of the same one for their other daughter :slight_smile: ) but we didn’t mention him. I think I may see if I can make one for him as well, in the same pattern but less pink fabric. :wink:

40

Gigi, I’m glad she’s willing to accept help. It makes me think even more highly of her to know she’s willing to think a moment of other people.

I’m making that note about breakfast foods, myself. Frittata freezes, doesn’t it?

Thank you, again, for continuing to post to this thread. It’s hard to read, but good reading, too.