Joe hires on as a school bus driver. On his first day he is going to transport very little children, and the bus is decorated with pictures of Bert, Ernie and Big Bird. At the first stop a very, very chubby little girl gets on. "Hi, " she says. “My name’s Patty.” Second stop, yet another girl gets on, and she’s even fatter than the first one. “Hi,” she says. “My name’s Patty.” Whatever.
Next stop a little boy and his mother are waiting. She helps him on the bus. “This is Ross,” she says. “He’s special.”
Next stop is another girl. She is sneezing and sneezing. “I’m Betty,” she says. “Sorry about the sneezing, I have really bad allergies.” Next, she sits down on the floor, takes off her shoes and starts messing around with her feet. “What are you doing?” asks Joe. " My bunions hurt," says Betty.
Well, Joe finishes the route, goes back to the bus garage, tosses the keys on the dispatcher’s desk. “I’m quitting!” he says. “Can’t stand it!” “What?” says the dispatcher, “Were the kiddies that bad?” “No,” says Joe. “But I’ll be damned if I’m going to drive two obese Patties, special Ross, Betty sneezing, picking bunions, on a Sesame Street bus!”
My friend and I stopped at a fast food joint just to get a couple of milk shakes. There was a cute girl working the counter. I made a comment to that effect, chuckle chuckle, we got our shakes and left.
As we were walking out the door, my friend says, “I wonder if her name is Edith”. I asked him why and he says,“Well, you can’t have your shake and Edith, too”.
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I’ve told this before and it continues to be one of my bestest puns evar.
Mr. Ujest and I had just finished stuffing our econoline to capacity with living room, dining room and bedroom furniture from Ikea.
For those of you who don’t know, Ikea furniture has to be assembled, so you take it home in compact boxes.
So there was one box that wouldn’t fit in back, or on the floor or even up by me in the passenger seat ( where I was jammed in with our luggage. We were out of town ona quick Vacation.). This smaller box, containing a peice of bedroom furniture, fit between the ceiling of the van and the buttloads of boxes crammed in underneath with just a smidge of room to spare.
Off we drive, entering into the rush hour traffic, going up a hill at a nice clip, weighted down by our purchases, when at the top of the hill all the traffic stops suddenly. Mr. Ujest hits the brakes and that one box goes sliding like a cannon *right towards the back of my husbands *head. I put out my hand and stopped it at the last minute.
I giggled, " You were almost killed by a one night stand!"
Preparing for my wedding reception some 20 or so years ago, I wondered aloud if I’d got enough wine for the gathering throng. Why, asked my impending mother-in-law, how many bottles do you have? 288, I replied - do you think that’s too gross?