Excuse me mentioning this yet again but I still love this series:
boytyperanma: It seems a very common pairing. Also most pool places I know of do fencing.
Ludovic: So they sell epees?
gigi: Stolen ones, that they’re fencing.
Mangetout: I had no idea they could be made of spiced cake.
gigi: Yep, stolen epees, and Hamlet is killed with a Danish rapier.
My contribution to a discussion about the Doctor Who episode The End Of The World.
You have to be familiar with the episode in order to appreciate the joke. For those who don’t know, the main villainess of the piece is a woman who looks like this.. At the end of the story she (apparently) burns to death.
You can see my response here
I made an unintentional pun at the game store the other day, joking around that the small package of fake snow used for basing miniatures looks like the type of package that could retail for thousands on the street. I wondered aloud what would happen if you did try to sell it for much money without any specific claims as to what it was, then, when the cops haul you in , say “Hey, it’s not drugs! It’s just FLOCKING SNOW!”
Someone asked my father what we fed the chickens.
He said, “We just give them cracked corn. They don’t care.”
Very nice.
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project – an action docudrama
about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone,
Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were being courted
for the top roles.
Spielberg really hoped to have the box office “oomph” of these
superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers
they would portray, as long as they were among the most famous.
“Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him.”
“Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano,” said Willis. “I’ll play him.”
“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Seagal. “I’d
like to play him.”
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds splendid.” Then,
looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do you want to be, Arnold?”
Arnold replied, “I’ll be Bach.”
My grandfather in law wrote a book of inspirational poems, titled “It could be verse”
Oh, and something about a pirate with a steering wheel coming out of his pants. “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
No… They’re evil.
Evil evil evil.
And me and a friend of mine used to “punch” each other when the other would make a pun. No… Not as a joke… More of as a “hey… the word punch has the word pun in it… and I’m going to hurt you.”
The “Pun” part of “punch” was incidental.
I have a whole slew of puns! Apologies if they came from this board before, I found it in my Sent folder. Yes, I torture people with these on a regular basis.
You know, I was thinking. There are a great many things that are manufactured in Akron Ohio, yet they never seem to be of a good quality. I guess you could refer to anything made there as an Akron-ism.
A couple of years ago, there was a lot of debate raging here about the number of bears finding their way into residential neighborhoods, and whether or not they should allow bear hunts.
While having a family talk about it, someone mentioned allowing the bear hunts, and donating the meat to homeless shelters. That prompted the following conversation between myself and my dad.
Her: Yeah, but can you eat bear meat?
Me: Sure…I’ve had it before.
Her: Really? How was it?
Me: Too gristly.
Back in high school, friends were watching baseball, and the announcer kept talking about a player named Darryl Strawberry. I don’t watch baseball, so on the off chance there was a pun in there, I asked them what position he played. Turned out he was a fielder, to which I replied: “So will Strawberry field forever?”
While working at Wendy’s I tried to train someone how to make a broccoli and cheese baked potato: 1/4 cup of broccoli florets and one 2-oz scoop of cheese.
But the employee skimped on the broccoli.
“Look at that,” I said. “You can’t see the florets for the cheese!”
So we’re talking about socialism and labor and efficiency, and stuff, and my friend says “Well, you know, the Russians never did make a good car!”
And I say “Well, what about the four-door Dostoyevsky?”
My work friends and I regularly have lunch at a Chinese restaurant called Peking. For some reason they treat it like rocket surgery to split up the check there, so we decided to take turns paying the bill. After much arguing about who should pay when, we drew straws and came up with a list of names which we kept on my white-board.
My comment upon finishing the list… Good, I’m glad we finally established the Peking order.
If you’re trying to make me laugh with wordplay, I’ll have to say that unfortunately, so far, no pun in ten did.
I’m pretty sure I stole that, but I don’t know from where.
You said it once before, but it bears repeating now?
My vocabulary is vast.
Overdoing it?
We’ll, it’s at least half-vast.
Strange…that’s what the doctor told me I’d be if we stopped my vasectomy halfway through the procedure.
How could you tell the deferens?
Two horses were trotting along and ran into a third horse, who had a spotted rump.
The first horse, who knew the third horse. introduced the second to the third horse. The third horse said to the first horse, “Any pal of yours is a palomino.”
I came up with that in 1979, and sadly I’ve never topped it.
Old one:
Rich California eccentric, but gullible, millionaire loved animals. So much so that he had a small private zoo, containing as one of its attractions an elderly lion who lived in an enclosure which also contained a large pool harboring two porpoises. As these porpoises happened to be the pride and joy of the zoo owner, he fretted continually about their health and wellbeing
One day an friend of the millionaire told him that he had heard that if porpoises were fed a diet of seagulls that they would live forever. Being so gullible, the millionaire took it hook, line, and sinker.
So he immediately hied himself to the nearest beach and proceeded to trap two seagulls. Taking them back to his zoo, he entered the lion’s enclosure, stepped over the sleeping lion who was lounging on the lip of the pool, and threw the gulls to the porpoises.
A cop who was watching this immediately arrested him. "What are you arresting me for?, complained the millionaire?
Says the cop, “For violating the Mann Act.”
Wait for it
Transporting gulls over staid lions for immortal porpoises.
Oh! I did that the other day. My daughter was asking what the worst kind of alcohol was. I said absinthe. My friend interrupted me to talk about homebrews, which could make you blind or even kill you.
My daughter then asked what absinthe would do to you, and, well, you know my inevitable response. 
Years ago, to a friend who was making a big deal about not drinking PG Tips:
Q: Why aren’t you drinking proper tea?
A: Because all proper tea is theft.
Most puns depend on context, though. The above excluded, of course.
I’m back, with more. It’s a sickness I tells ya, a sickness!
Did you hear about the new method for controlling erosion on the beaches? Sand retention has always been a problem, especially at heavily used beaches. The new way is to wait for a really hot day, so the winds’ll be violent. Then you spread fishing nets over the dunes. This results in the formation of…
…wait for it…
A bakin lattice and tornado sand ridge.
A herring who for many years swam along with a friendly whale showed up one day without his companion. When asked where the whale was, the herring replied, “How would I know? AM I MY BLUBBER’S KIPPER?
Which is the most feared of the forest inhabitants?
A hawk claimed that, because he had the ability to fly, he could attack anything from above, and his prey wouldn’t have a prayer.
“Due to my strength, no one would challenge me!” said the lion, pride fully.
The skunk, incensed, said, “I need neither flight nor might to frighten off any creature!”
The trio were debating the issue, when a grizzly bear came along and swallowed all, … HAWK, LION, and STINKER.
An old Texas rancher is drawing up his will so that he might provide for his three boys when he passes away. He decides to divide his land up evenly among them. His wife suggests that he name the place The Focus Ranch. “Why should I do that, my love?” “Because it is where THE SONS RAISE MEAT.”
After working the crowd the autograph hound lacked only the signature of the former vice president’s wife, so when he spotted her at the far edge
of the field, he called to his friend, “Come on, it’s a long long way to Tipper, Harry”
I work with a woman whose name is Patricia; she goes by Patsy. Her maiden name was pretty common and when she was in college, there were two other Patricias, same last name…one went by Patricia, the other by Pat. The full formal name on documents led to confusion with records, mail sent to the wrong Patricia, etc.
I said, “Well if one of them ever broke the law and they tried to arrest you, you could say, ‘I’m just a Patsy.’”
I still can’t believe nobody else at the lunch table saw that coming.
