Game: Bad pun contest

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Those who know me know that I have always planned to be wealthy. Years ago I emailed all my friends and threatened to send one bad pun a day until they all sent me 1000 dollars. I was going use the take to … well that’s another story. Anyway, the plan didn’t work. I found that people actually LIKED bad puns. And so, in honor of that memory (I don’t know what brought back that memory) I say, lets trade bad puns. I’ll start:

There was a very poor man who worked hard all his life. When he finally struck it rich he decided to build a solid gold toilet. After all, he reasoned, it was his throne. After installing it his wife took it for a test drive. Unfortunately, she was a very LARGE lady and promptly got stuck. They pulled and pushed but couldn’t get her off. Finally, he went and got a crow bar. “Are you crazy?” his wife screamed? “This is a solid gold toilet, you’ll ruin it” Well, he replied, “Its my potty and I’ll pry if I want to…”

2

What do you call a sick bird of prey from another planet??
*
An ill-eagle alien

I’ve got loads of 'em… but this was the first one that came to mind.

3

How about you re-name this the Groan thread…in anticipation of the sounds that will undoubtably be emitted when we poor suckers have to read the posts…:stuck_out_tongue:

4

There was a purple man who lived in a purple house. One purple morning, the purple man woke up, had a shower in his purple bathroom, put on some purple clothes and went into the kitchen to eat his breakfast in the purple kitchen. Whlst reading his purple morning paper, he decided (whilst looking at an advert for Purple Holidays) that he needed a holiday. So he drove his purple car into town, parked in the purple car park and went and booked a holiday at the Purple Travel Agents.

One week later, of he went to the purple airport, and eventually boarded his purple plane. Well, they got into the air OK, and were soon flying over the purple ocean (bear with me, we’re almost there!). Anyway, the captain came out of the cockpit, and made an announcement, “Purple ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that one of our purple engines has caught on fire, but we’ll be OK, as the other one is fine, and we’ll just land as soon as possble”. Seconds later the other purple engine catches on fire, and the purple plane crashes into the purple sea.

Well, almost everyone dies, apart from our friend the purple man. He swims to try and find some dry land, and eventually lucks out and finds a desert island. At this moment, he realises that he’s maroon-ed

5

(Made this one up myself, AFAIK)

Why did the Admiral want only dolphin sailors?

Because he needed an all-porpoise navy!

6

So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
Does a pun about a Mexican Hairless puppy qualify as a short shaggy dog story?

7

Did you hear about the vulture who tried to take three dead armadillos onto a plane? He was told that passengers are limited to two carrion

8

As part of a dare, Tommy had to walk through the local haunted house. Though he was deathly afraid of ghosts :wink: he succumbed to the peer pressure and set out through the dark corridors. Part way through, he turned a corner and found himself face to face with the etheral being. However, after his initial shock, Tommy found the ghost to be quite an amiable fellow. Knowing his friends would never believe him, Tommy asked the ghost if he would pose for a picture. The ghost was quite willing to do this, so Tom pulled out his camera and snapped a quick shot. He went running straight to the film shop to get the photos developed, but alas, when they came back you could see nothing but blackness on the print…you see, the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

9

Geology rocks…

See, they just get worse… :slight_smile:

10

It was the grand final of the world staring contest. Day 1 was fairly boring except for one regrettable epidode. The Challenger, known for his dirty play and desperate tactics, hired a troupe of circus acrobats to suddenly storm the stage, hoping this would distract the Champion and make him blink. It didn’t work, and the first day’s contest ended in a draw.

On the second day, the sneaky Challenger realised why it hadn’t worked: he should try to make the Champion laugh. People always blink when they laugh! So instead of acrobats, he hired a different set of circus entertainers.

You may have heard about this, it was reported in all the papers:

“Stare wars episode 2: attack of the clowns”.

11

I love camping!

It’s in-tents!

and worse…

12

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

It’s Christmas time and Darth Vader says to Luke “I know what you’re getting for Christmas”. Luke replies “You do not”. Darth Vader replies, “I do so, I felt your presents”.
There’s these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost. They’ve been wandering for several days without water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders’ cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it’s really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall and cry to the stallholder, “Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us water - tell us, do you have any for us?” The stallholder shook his head and replied "I’m sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with chocolate flakes ".
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, “Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages which
are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can
sell us some skins of water.” The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed “Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I
have no water at all …all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with chocolate flakes, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there,” he said, pointing out the glazed cherry. “I cannot help you…”.
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, “Look mate,” (cos they’d stopped talking funny all of a sudden) “we need water or we’ll die. We’ve been traveling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?” The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he
confessed, “Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and chocolate flakes. I can’t help you. I’ll
have to condemn you to a long and lingering death by dehydration.” The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and chocolate flakes.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the
desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so,
one turned to the other and said, “That was really odd - a big
market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and chocolate flakes.” The other turned
to face his companion and replied, “Yes, it really was a trifle bazaar”.

:stuck_out_tongue:

13

Here’s a good visual pun :
What do you get when you cross a dolphin with a bluejay?

(make appropriate hand gesture)

Flipper the Bird!

14

I actually sent a roommate screaming into the night with this one:

Some philosphers decided see if any animals were affected by things spiritual and/or religious in nature. Their reasoning was that if animals had a spiritual nature, then it would be proof that there was a God. So, they spent many years studying animals of all different sorts, showing them various religious objects to see if any of them did react.

Much to their delight, they found that felines were the only to react. Now, they reasoned, if they could find out what symbols felines reacted strongest to, they’d know which religion was most favored by God. After many more years of research, the philosophers were finally able to announce what religion felines followed.

It turns out, they’re Catlicks! :smiley:

15

When I was just a lad,we got a puppy-named him Swa.
As Swa got older he developed quite a nasty streak.
So we renamed him…

Vicious-Swa

(dives under desk and hides)

16

A few years ago, there was a big party at the Playboy Mansion. Of course, many celebrities were there.

At one point in the evening, Mick Jagger got bored with the festivities and just started wandering around the place. He opened the door to one of the bedrooms and was shocked to see Hugh Hefner sodomizing Dennis Weaver. Of course, he shouted:

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"Hey! Hugh! Get off of McCloud!"

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may y’all have mercy on my soul,
TN*hippie

17

Hugh Downs’ wife had a sinking feeling when she let her son take the family car out. Still she was surprised when he called to lament that he had a flat tire. She remarked,“I knew you shouldn’t have taken the car out. This wouldn’t have happened if your father were driving.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the son, “Dad would have been stuck changing the tire instead of me!”

“You are wrong, son,” declared his mother. “Only Hugh can prevent porous tires.”

18

TN*hippie, that reminds me of an old joke.

What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scot?
One says “Hey you, get off my cloud!” and the other one says “Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!”

19

These are good, but…

My understanding of a true “pun” is that it has to be a spur-of-the-moment thing that comes up in natural conversation. I would consider all of the ones mentioned in this thread so far to be “jokes based on word play,” not quite puns, only because there is a somewhat contrived set-up. [They’re still hilarious, though!]

…
So a couple of students in my study hall (I teach at a Catholic school) were bemoaning the fact that they would surely not get A’s on their religion exam the next period. “All of this Sermon on the Mount stuff is too much to remember,” they said. “There’s no way we can get an A.”

“Maybe you’d get an A if it weren’t for your B-attitudes,” I say. They finally got it after a minute or two.

Or…

A student with the last name Sheaff (pronounced “Sheef,” which is very important here) was complaining about how heavy his bookbag was because he hadn’t emptied out the papers in a while. “You know what they say,” I told him. “Loose leafs sink Sheaffs.”

20

These are all definitely puns.

My friends and I would often give each other words as pun challenges, to see if a pun could be made. Here’s my finest:

Pierre DeLaCroix worked in the Parisian Bureau of Permits. One day a man came in, there was a heated argument, and left. Pierre’s supervisor was concerned, and stepped into the office.

“What was that all about?” he asked.

“That man was a paleontologist,” Pierre said. “He’s looking for the missing link between dinosaurs and birds. He wanted a permit to dig on the Champs Elysees to find his fossil.”

“But, that’s right next to the Arc de Triomphe,” the supervisor said. “That’s insane! It’d endanger the Arc! What kind of fossil is worth that?!”

“He just said it was an Arc he’d opt to risk.”