Ghastly puns

Ready for a real groaner?
“If you are a Taurean, it is better to be a South Taurean than a North Taurean.”
–Gary Owens

I don’t get it. I guess I’m not his Taurean.

Sounds like a lot of bull to me.

Don’t get it? It’s a pun on “Korean.”

Not to be crabby, but I Cancertainly claw my way into this devilish thread, shellfish as I am.

How come crabs are so tight? Because they’re shellfish…Hey what the… !!! This isn’t the riddle thread!!

So what is a taurean?

Whenever the wife and I see news about people getting trapped in avalanches in the winter I always pipe up with:

“Avalanche is better than none!”

And then she socks me with a pillow.

To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion.

OK, flochi! “Taurean” means someone whose astrological "birth sign is “Taurus,” like Dr. Benjamin Spock and Mayor Richard Dailey of Chicago.

Isn’t that what you searve soup in? A taurean

Only if it’s Caper-Corn soup. . .


with a few Pieces of french bread?

To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion.

You mean “Pisces”.

My best friend accompanied my husband and me to our insurance agents office a few years back, and we still laugh about the exchange we had while Byron was talking to the agent. Evidently, the agent is a hunter, and he had, amongst other stuffed trophies, the head of a huge buck, mounted on the wall. The exchange went something like this:

“Oh, that’s too bad. You know, that deer was shot by an insurance agent, do you suppose the widow got any doe?”

“I’m sure. At least a couple of bucks anyway.”

–Use a pun, go to jail–thats the law!
–Alan Q

I have to give credit where credit is due;
CigaretJim (a sometimes poster on this board) came up with this one:

Paul went to visit his friends Lisa & Rob. Rob had recently returned from the hospital where he had had a vasectomy, which required the shaving of his privates. During a trip to the bathroom, Paul noticed a very, hairy object sitting in the bathroom sink. When he returned to his hosts in the living room he asked, “What the hell is that thing in the sink?”

Lisa’s response: “It’s Rob’s peter toupee, Paul!”

Nothing like a really bad pun about merkins!
Enough of this punishment!

Isn’t a Phillipino contortionist a manilla folder?

They also surf who only stand on waves.

“You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.” Dorothy Parker

“My hovercraft is full of eels.”

Two guys canoeing on a lake see a whale breach the surface. The whale raises its tail and splashes the water two or three times, and then disappears below the surface.

One canoeist turns the the other and says, “Must have been a fluke.”

“Be Good, and you will be lonesome.”
–Mark Twain