When Lief Ericson returned from a New World voyage, he found his name had been dropped from the registry of his hometown. He reported the omission to an official, who, deeming it a slight to a prominet citizen, protested to the census taker. “I’m terribly sorry,” apologized the latter, “I must have taken Lief off my census.”
Let me just be the first to say:
I’m sure we can go ahead and apply that to all of the puns which may follow.
The Phantom Stranger walks into a bar, to speak with John Constantine. They discuss the events behind the Day of Judgment, and the nearly-successful attempt by Asmodel to usurp the Spectre’s power. The Stranger adds, in closing : “I think that the Spectre’s new host strongly resembles Hal Jordan, don’t you?” To which Constantine replies, “Yep, he’s a dead ringer allright.”
Unfortunately, that will now be stuck in my head for the rest of my life. I’ll never be able to watch Superfriends again without think of it.
shakes fist Damn you!
Happy to oblige.
One morning, Franz Kafka awoke to find himself changed into a rhinocerous. He was so upset that he began charging around the room, crashing into walls. Hearing a terrific noise coming from his room, Kafka’s parents rushed in to see what was wrong. They stood in the doorway, watching in shock as the rhinocerous wreaked havoc to the bedroom. The rhino smashed into the wall just below an open window, causing a vase of anemones that had been sitting on the windowsill to fall out onto the street below.
“Oh, no, those lovely flowers!” exclaimed Kafka’s mother in despair.
“Get ahold of yourself, woman,” her husband said. “With Franz like this, who needs anemones?”
It’s funny how not everyone likes the same patterns on carpets. Well, you know what they say:
One man’s Mead is another man’s Persian!
Here’s my favorite, and it’s got you all beat. I’ve posted this before, so apologies if you’ve heard it.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame falls off his tower and the Abbot puts an ad in the paper for a new one. The next day, a man shows up that looks *exactly * like the Hunchback. He says “I’m the Hunchback’s brother, let me ring the bell, it’s my duty.” The Abbot hires him on the spot. The next day, the new guy also falls off. While he’s laying on the pavement, a crowd gathers, and they ask the Abbot “Who was that?” And the Abbot says “He’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
The Abbot puts another ad in the paper, and a man shows up with no arms or legs. The Abbot says “How can you ring the bell?” and the man shows how he can ring the bells with his face, it’s the most beautiful music the Abbot ever heard. So he hires him on the spot, and the next day he falls off the tower, too, and the crowd asks “Well, who was he?” And the Abbot says “I don’t know, but his face sure rings a bell.”
If anyone can come up with further puns to prolong this joke to one more story, I’d love it.
I don’t like you anymore. :rolleyes:
Heh. Why’s that?
A newspaper had a pun-contest, and one guy sent in ten of 'em, on the theory that if he sent in a bunch, at least one would have to win, right?
However, no pun in ten did.
There were two trains on the same track. The town drunk was on one train. Thor, The God of Thunder, was on the other train. The trains got closer and closer and closer and closer. Just before they were about to collide, they miraculously missed each other. Know why?
Norse is Norse and souse is souse and never the trains shall meet.
NASA has a female astronaut-in-training named Rae. The guys from budget and from public relations negotiated a deal with Victoria’s Secret®. They’re going to sponsor the shuttle mission where they launch a Rae.
Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer from the barkeep. He drinks it down with relish and finishes with a large gulp. The barkeep asks, “You want another?”
Descartes says, “I think not!” and poof! He disappears.
Not a pun, but an excellent joke.
Three brothers of the cloth, in one of those orders whose members depend on alms, had a falling-out with their sect and dropped out and set up a flower shop in the village. Friar Pete, Friar John, and Friar Thomas, they were.
They got off to a pretty good start, raising unusual exotics with vivid colors and selling them at a reasonable price, but things soon went sour: three villagers got sick from poisonous fumes emitted by some peculiar deep violet blossoms, and a little girl was maimed on the razor-sharp thorns of one of the spiny specimens. The Village Council told them they would have to close up shop and leave or the angry villagers would run them out. But the brothers yawned and said people from all over the countryside were coming in to buy their wares and they didn’t need the villagers’ business, and if anyone tried to harass them they would sic their obedient man-eating carnivorous plant on them.
This dampened the fury of most of the people in the village, but the father of the little girl, a blacksmith named Hugh Tanner, just rolled up his sleeves and picked up his hammer and tongs and headed for the flower shop. He smashed down the door, ripped the carnivorous plants to shreds with his tongs, and chased the former religious fellows down the road and out of town.
Because Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
It was puzzling. At first he seemed to be a pyramid-building pharoah, but he was just a pseudo Khufu.
(from the Su Doku thread in IMHO)
This is one for UK dopers.
A couple go to a posh sushi restaurant where diners are invited to pick out their potential meal from a fish tank, thus ensuring absolute freshness of seafood.
They decide that they’d like a starter of garnished squid, so they point out a striking example hding at the back of the tank.
The one they want is striking, because it is green, large and has an almost human face, with big lips and a moustache.
Jervaise, the waiter, catches the squid in his little net, and takes it back to the kitchen for preparation.
First on the agenda is to chop it in half to remove the beak,and as he raises his cleaver, the trembling expression on the green face of the squid puts him off.
“Oh noes, I just cannot do this”
He calls over to a big German - Hans - who is the pot washer and known to be unsentimental, and asks him to do the final deed with the cleaver for him.
Hans raises the cleaver, but, something in the trembling, cowering, pleading cephalopod’s expression breaks even the heart of this big German, and he gently places the cleaver to one side.
Tenderly Hans takes up the helpless invertebrate and returns it to the tank, and talking to it, Hans promises to release it back to the oceans.
Obviously the couple are somewhat surprised that their expected meal will not be making it to their dinner date, and they call the head waiter over, who has seen the whole thing.
They ask for an explanation and the waiter replies,
To the tune of the washing up product…
“Hans that do dishes can be soft as Jervais, with large green hairy lip squid”
There once was a tribe of people called “Trids,” who lived at the bottom of the hill. Every few months, an ogre would come down the hill and scatter them and anyone else he found, booting them out of their village with his heavy wooden shoes. The Trids did everything they could but nothing worked. They brought in all sorts of experts and champions, but the ogre just scattered them, too.
Finally, desparate, they asked Rabbi Moskowitz to help them. He said he wasn’t sure what he could do, but maybe he could help.
Soon the ogre came down the hill and scattered the villagers. However, he ignored the Moskowitz and left him completely alone.
“Why did you not attack me?” Moskowitz asked.
The ogre sadly shook his head. “Silly rabbi. Kicks are for Trids.”
The Holy Mercy Convent needed more money and decided to open a restaurant. Now the convent was known for its tea, so as a gimmick, it choose to feature tea from any plant or animal. Yes, animal. They made tea from beef, and lizard, and frog, and any animal they could find.
One day a thirsty Australian came in. When they asked him what animal he preferred, the chose Koala.
The cup arrived. It was filled with hair and little pieces of the animal. The Australian asked for a different cup, with all the solid material removed.
The sister shook her head. “I’m sorry, but the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained.”