Maude, decided upon a great money making scheme. She was going to sell mittens for ten cents. After selling her first mitten, her husband Hugh coated the money in shrink wrap celophane. Suprstitious as they are, they continue this practice to this day.
Every dime Hugh laminates, Maude sells a mitten.
That’s putting Descartes before the horse.
Well, you all know the bakers’ motto?
“The bun is the lowest form of wheat.”
OK, there was a teak merchant named Chan who kept finding several teak chests were missing each morning. So, he hid in the store one night and around midnight, a window slowly opened and a big shape climbed through. When it got inside, Chan turned on the lights, and there was a huge bear bearing (oops, double pun) off a teak chest. The only odd thing was that the bear was normal excepting he had the feet of a small boy.
So, of course, the merchant cried, “Stop, oh boy-foot bear with teaks of Chan.”
Sorry 'bout 'dat.
I am obliged to link to this evil, evil thread.
What do you call that feeling that you need to go to the bathroom?
John Forsythe
Haitian Common Law: In cases of zombie disputes, possession is nine-tenths of the loa.
Okay, this one cracked me up.
This one is a true story.
A friend and I were driving back home from out of town, through a fairly rural area. We passed what looked like a freshly painted fence on the side of the road.
She: “New fence.”
Monstre: “None taken.”
There is, of course, my sig. And the prior bit - “I’m not materialistic. Just object-oriented.”
I did ponder changing it to “Observant Jews are really hard to sneak up on.”
:mad: 
You’re making baby Jesus cry.
Oh, piffle. I’m just punning.
Is this, by any chance, an ad for Fairy Liquid?
KRM, I’m completely stumped. You too, Trunk. Please take pity on a moron, and explain.
In case this was at all serious:
I *meant * because of the puns. That was truly a groaner!
Why was Pharaoh’s daughter like a shrewd, cold-blooded trader in a bear market?
She got a handsome profit out of rushes on the banks.
Why did the mother of three boys call their cattle ranch “Focus”?
That’s where the sun’s rays meet.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request.”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, alone.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says s-l-o-w-l-y,
"Listen carefully, for the last time…I said…“Bring POSSE!”
KRM uses the name of actor John Forsythe as a pun on “john (bathroom) foresight”. As for Trunk’s entry, I’m as mystified as you are.
That reminds me… (never a phrase you want to hear in regard to puns, I’m sure)
A jockey saw the horse groom sprinkling something behind his horse’s neck.
“What’s that?” asked the jockey.
“It’s yeast”, answered the groom. “This will discourage birds from mistakenly building nests in your horse’s beautiful mane.”
“Will that really work?” asked the jockey.
“Of course!” replied the groom, "for yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
For Trunk’s, I thought it was a play on
Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten
No?
It was the best I could do on short notice. 
I laughed.