Yes, it is that time of the year again when the puns start cropping up.
I’ll start.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
Puns have a season?
Then why do so many always seem unripe?
That’s awesome! Best pun I’ve heard in a while. I’ll search my brain for a suitable comeback.
Abraham was assembling a computer for his son Isaac, when they saw that the machine did not have enough memory. Isaac said ‘But father, my computer will not work properly without enough memory!’ Abraham replied calmly ‘Fear not my son, for God will provide the ram.’
When the Royal Navy was attacking Baltimore, it was more than the resistance of Fort McHenry that turned them back.
Several companies of the local militia had taken up positions in the McCormack plant. The McCormack company is a huge spice importer and seller. When part of the British barrage hit the facility, the troops were showered in the contents of a demolished pepper storage bin.
When the British admiral looked through his spyglass he saw the militiamen holding their positions covered with pepper and immediately gave the order to retreat. When asked why, he said that they’d never take a town defended by such well-seasoned troops.
Transcended dental medication.
That’s all that needs to be said.
Chan’s Chinese imports had suffered repeated thefts, so Chan decided to hide under the counter after closing to catch the thief.
That night, after a long wait, he saw a small creature, covered with fur except its small, hairless, human feet creep in through the AC vent and grab a group of carved figurines.
“Stop!” he cried “Boy-foot bear with teaks of Chan!”
Accroding to an ancient copy of one of the Book of Lists, the worlds worst pun (as of 1980 or so) was-
Did you hear about the eskimo who stabbed himself with an icicle?
He died of cold cuts.
The Czech is in the male.
Help?
The mayor Mr Ivan Nut’s son was screwing a local washer woman and eloped with her when mayor dad found out… An embarassed Mr Nut paid the local journo to keep the news under wraps… Journalist kept his word and the news appeared as " nuts screws washers and bolts ".
I am out of here before others make me run for cover for this PJ
Irving Sumner was the Assistant-In-Charge-Of-Things at the Observatory. He was renowned for throwing riotous parties at night rather than doing his assigned astronomical duties. One particularly excessive party ended with champagne corks flying all over the lab, landing in the equipment and depositing corks bits in all the electronics. This came to light several months later, when the January readings of solar activity were totally corrupted by the material in the machinery. The problem was traced to Irving, and he was called into the Director’s office. The Director looked Irving in the eye and asked the logical question: “How was the content of our winter’s disk made spurious, Sumner, by this scum of cork?”
How do you slow down a $5000 hooker?
Put a governor on her.
True story that was the greatest pun around – my ex used to work in a bakery (Larsen Brothers Danish Bakery, to be exact) he kneaded the dough.
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
A wig truck turned over on the interstate. Police are combing the area.
In ancient Rome, a man named Alexander made an interesting invention. He combined the juices of some rare beetles and various berries, then soaked a strip of cloth in it. When dried, it would change colors at various times of the day. Alexander tied it to his wrist, and so he always knew what time it was. His invention came to be known as Alexander’s rag time band. In more modern usage, it’s simply known as a wrist swatch.
True Fact: The light scattered from the sky in the region between the primary and the secondary rainbows is significantly less than in other areas of the sky. If you view the rainbows against a dark background (dark cloud or rocks), there will be a dark band between them. This was discovered by the second century head of the Lyceum, named Alexander of Aphrodisias, and is in consequence called Alexander’s Dark Band.
I’ve been trying to find a way to turn that into a pun of “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”, but no matter how much I torture it, it refuses to acquiesce.
Michael Dorn went to audition for a new movie about the lives of the Three Stooges, but the producer sent him away because he didn’t want a Worf in Shemp’s clothing.
In my county a former church was converted to a Ryan’s Steak House. We in planning had some concerns about this because a restaurant in that location was incompatible with the residential uses next door. But the biggest problem was that the proposed rezoning violated the principle of the separation of church and steak.
P.S. The church was the Lamb of God church. So they rezoned from mutton to beef.
P.P.S. It has since gone back to a church. So I guess religion is where the real money is at.
Somebody needs to sneak it into a textbook: “This dark region is known as Alexander’s Dark Band (not to be confused with Alexander’s Ragtime Band), and is caused by . . . etc.”