I love a good pun. Here’s one I saw somewhere online recently:
I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been trippin’ all day.
And one I came up with, although I’m sure I’m not the first to do so:
My butler had to have all his teeth pulled. Now he’s an indentured servant.
You can do better, though. Have at it!
Gardening service motto: “We keep your fronds close and Euonymus closer”.
No input from the SDMB punditry? Did everyone but me make a New Year’s resolution to give up lowbrow humor? 
Seen on a tow truck the other day: “We don’t charge and arm and a leg. We only want your tows.”
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camo trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
The police were investigating a missing box of Viagra; they were looking for a group of hardened criminals.
When a vulture family flies on a commercial airline, they bring carrion.
The woman turned down a job as a carpet layer because she was not rugged.
I always say, a good pun is it’s own re-word.
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Is an antique pun allowable? I offer a short item from a London newspaper of the 1880’s when Lillie Langtry was at the height of her notoriety as the mistress of the Prince of Wales and other Victorian notabilities.
Death of Mrs Langtry’s Parrot
This newspaper regrets to inform our readers that Mrs Langtry’s parrot has died. We confess we were not aware that the lady possessed such a pet, although we are sure that she has had a cockatoo.
The Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory recently hired its first Native Hawaiian research physicist.
Not much is known about him, but he hails from Kealakekua, Hawaii, and his doctoral dissertation was centered around the hypothesis that it should be possible to fission poi.
Q. What did the military strategist get when he reached both hands into the harvesting equipment?
A. Combined arms.
Where does the General keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
Re Brexit: Britannia waives the rules.
I don’t get it.
Seen on an electrical shop’s repair truck: “Let us fix your shorts.”
A man tried to sell me a coffin the other day, I told him “That’s the last thing I need.”
My Eskimo friend got stabbed by an icicle , he died of cold cuts.
My uncle, the upholsterer, got hurt at work today, he is in the hospital recovering.
A local teacher was actually checking homework assignments while driving home the other day and crashed her car. They say she was grading on a curve.
mmm
I watched the critters swooping around the lights, and it struck me.
It’s a bad sign when you have mosquitoes at the ballpark. It shows the bats aren’t working.
What do dyslexic zombies crave? Brians! Bri-i-i-i-ans!