How was the Pharaoh’s daughter like a stockbroker?
She took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
A nun living in Albuquerque gave birth to a son, whom she named Jose.
They homesteaded there until Jose grew up to be a young man with a knack for getting in trouble, so she sent him traveling to see the world. He made it as far as Israel, where he robbed a bank before returning home.
Once home, the Sheriff, Bob Newton, attempted to arrest Jose for the crime, but Jose shot Newton and fled.
Now the police are looking for a Haifa looting, Newton shooting, son of a nun from Arizona, part-time plow-boy, Joe.
(Ok- that was quite a stretch.)
News report: All the toilets have been stolen from the city police station. An investigation is under way, but right now the police have nothing to go on.
And a few of my own (it’s sort of a hobby…) :
The Cube King stood on the balcony and addressed his subjects. “I know you’re all worried about the war with Sphereworld. But I tell you now that the only thing we have to sphere is sphere itself!”
Standing thirty feet high over the British countryside, its ancient magnificence still inspires awe to this day. People come from all over the world to stare at its granite impassivity, its mute testament to things that bend back and forth. This … is Stonehinge.
“Fred, your Lincoln dealer in Gettysburg called about your lease. He said your four door has seven years to go.”
Vividly it hung there in the back of the Food Sciences classroom - a poster larger than life detailing the basic flavors and food types. It was organized by strength of flavor and how each item interacted with the others. In bold black lettering at the bottom read: “The Periodic Table of the Aliments.”
When I was an altar boy in high school, I often brought my homework to church to work on it in my spare moments. One Sunday the priest surprised me while I was doing my trigonometry homework. I said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sined.”
He replied, “Don’t worry about it, my son. I go off on tangents all the time.”
Back in the cold war, MI5 ran a lot of agents behind the Iron Curtain. Their covers were varied and often in industries that were, on the face of them, unrelated to anything that might be useful.
One of those agents was Pavel Barton, from Prague. He was a midget with the Moscow Circus, and as such he could be reasonably expected to meet people from all walks of life all around the Soviet Union and Warsaw Pact nations. Unfortunatley, in the fall-out from the Cuban Missile Crisis his role as a conduit for other agents in place was discovered. Barton found out about the detention order before the KGB could catch him. His only hope was to impose on some Canadian ex-pats he knew outside of Kiev. Desperate, he rattled the windows of their house to get their attention, and then asked, in a hushed tone:
“Could you please cache a small Czech?”
A Russian couple was walking through Red Square one sunny afternoon. The met a Soviet guard named Rudolph. Rudolph said “Looks like it’s going to rain.” The husband said “Rain? Are you kidding me? There’s not a cloud in the sky.” The wife replied “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
There once was a biologist who had a theory that a certain species of dolphin living off the coast of Africa was effectively immortal: they never died from old age but only from injury. He was investigating this by using trained gulls to which he strapped small cameras and then sent out to photograph the groups of dolphins.
One day he was on the beach where he had just retrieved one of his gulls with its camera. As he turned around, he was startled to see a lion resting on the sand behind him on the beach.
The lion was blocking his only route of escape. However, since the lion seemed to be dozing he decided to make a break for it. Tucking the gull under his arm, he ran towards the lion and made a soaring leap over the beast, landing on the other side.
He was immediately arrested. Why?
He was arrested for crossing a sedate lion with a gull for immortal porpoises.
I threw an eskimo party once. I went so far as to make a giviak, which is whole birds fermented in a seal skin. It was disgusting, and it mostly went to waste. Other than that, the party was a success. Next year, a real eskimo showed up, looking for the delicacy. I had to tell him We didn’t make it this year.
We weren’t really Inuit.
The midget was part of a traveling circus.
Part of his act was running seances, supposedly contacting dead relatives of his marks.
One day, in one of the towns along the way, he was arrested for disorderly conduct, and thrown in the holding cell until morning.
But being a midget, he managed to crawl though the bars on the window, and escape.
The headline in the County Newspaper the next day was: “Small medium at large.”
The pilot of a small plane suddenly experienced engine trouble over a mostly wooded area. Looking around, the only place he could see to land was a field next to a monastery. To his consternation, a few of the monks were out in the field harvesting crops.
Hoping for the best, the pilot came in for an emergency landing, and most of the brothers were able to scatter away from his path. But one of them wasn’t so quick, and a wing clipped him as the plane taxied to a stop, fortunately only knocking him down.
As the pilot stepped out, he exclaimed, “Oh no! Out of the flying plan, and into the friar!”
You forgot to mention that the monestary ran a KFC on the side. Luckily the pilot only clipped the chicken friar, and not the chip monk.
“His face sure rang a bell.”
&
“He was a dead ringer for his brother”
I’ve developed a fear of tall buildings. You might say I have an edifice complex.
In the early days of the space program, NASA was trying to one-up the Soviets, who were launching dogs into orbit. So NASA sent up a rocket containing several cows.
They were known as “the herd shot 'round the world.”
Did you hear about the guy who had the whole left side of his body cut off?
He’s all right now.
What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled Czech.
What do you call a cow who has given birth?
De-calf-inated.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why is Laura always on top?
W can only fuck UP.
A cement mixer hit a police paddy wagon, knocking the door open and spilling cement on the convicts, who fled. Police are looking for several hardened criminals.
[Actual headline from my college newspaper] “Sex trial ends in hung jury.”
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh.
If a pegasus is a horse with wings, what’s a dog with wings?
Linda McCartney.
How is a blizzard like sex for women?
They don’t know how long it will last or how many inches they’ll get.
Two guys are walking through the forest when they see a small rabbit screwing a cat. One guy is amazed but the other says, “What? You’ve never seen a little hare on a pussy?”
A skunk, a doe, and a giraffe are walking through the forest, bored. One suggests they go to a bar. The skunk says, “All I’ve got is a (s)cent.” The doe says, “I had a buck on me last night.” The giraffe says, “OK, come on, the highballs are on me.”
Before a mother knows the sex of her baby it’s a hidden agender.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive.
When the plums dry on your tree, it’s time to prune.
He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
The dyslexic Jewish rapper…Oy!
There was an awful accident last night. A truck carrying thesauruses drive off the road and down an embankment. The bystanders were surprised, astonished, shocked, horrified…
Newspaper headline: “Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge”
Nitpick: Albuquerque is in New Mexico. Make it Flagstaff and you’re golden.
Early this week there was a collision between a staff car and a grain truck at Ft. Knox. It was awful; three kernels were run over.