“Cogito ergo spud”
I think, therefore I yam.
It was a hunchback who used to ring the bell in the Pennsylvania State House. In his later years his gnarled hands no longer could grip the rope properly so he was forced to climb to the top of the tower and bang his head against the bell.
One dark and stormy night while attempting to ring the bell, he missed, slipped and fell to the hard pavement below. As the crowd later gathered around the lifeless body splattered on the slate, the only sound being the quarter-sized raindrops plopping around him.
“You know him?” whispered one.
“No,” was the response. “But his face sure rings a bell.”
Luckily for the citizens of Philadelphia, the dead hunchback came from a large family of bellringers. So it wasn’t too long before the bellringers guild had a replacement.
The new ringer eventually became the old ringer, and as luck would have it, he, too, could no longer pull the rope with gnarled hands. Unfortunately, on his first trip up the tower he slipped and fell to the hard pavement below. As the crowd later gathered around the lifeless body splattered on the slate, one spoke.
“You know him?” whispered one.
“No,” was the response. “But he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
She was the coroner’s wild daughter, and any man cadaver.
And of course there was the disgraced archeologist, whose career was in ruins.
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
Squaw #1 sat on a deer hide holding her baby son
Squaw #2 sat on a buffalo hide also holding her baby son
Squaw #3 sat on a hippopotamus hide holding her twin baby boys.
Which proves that: The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other 2 hides
Mabel Mabel, get off the table
The fifty cents is for the beer
She was only a moonshiner’s daughter, but I loved her still.
This is probably well-known to most of you. But just in case some haven’t heard of it, I’ll post a link to the definitive bad pun website.
Tarzan Tripes Forever
I thought that she was a farmer’s daughter, and all the horsemen knew her.
“That guy coming down the stairs is a criminal”, said Tom condescendingly.
“I dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom, Crestfallen.
How do you make a hormone?
Don’t pay her.
Cogito ergo poet: I think, therefore iamb.
She was only the telegrapher’s daughter, but she didit, didit, didit, didit…
Wouldn’t a dyslexic Jewish rapper say “Yo!”?
Mel Famey was a decent pitcher, but he did love his drink. Especially Schlitz. Couldn’t get enough of it. Most games he was good for his few innings, but always wanted to get off the field so he could grab a couple cold ones.
One night the game was running long. Mel was getting more and more agitated, but since he was throwing rockets, the coach wouldn’t pull him. In frustration, Mel refused to throw strikes to every batter that came to the plate. After a run crossed home plate, the coach had no choice but to send Mel to the showers. Later that night, as the opposing ball players caught sight of Mel in a bar, drinking his Schlitz, they remarked to one another, “That’s the beer that made Mel Famey walk us.”
And my favorite:
In a certain part of Spain, a fire broke out in a cinema one night. Due to unfortunate building design, there was only one emergency exit, and several people died in the blaze or were trampled as the crowd rushed to escape.
Which just goes to show, you shouldn’t put all of your Basques in one exit.
Zen Buddist to a hotdog vendor:-
“Make me one with everything”
Then he handed the hot dog vendor a ten dollar bill and asks for change. The vendor says; “But change comes from within”
Did you hear about the rock star who died tragically when the band’s largest portable cooling system suddenly fell on top of him, crushing him to death? The next day the newspapers ran this headline: “Rock star killed by one of his biggest fans.”
Awesome!
True story.
My friend told me today at lunch that his sister’s wedding, which he attended last week in the States, was an outdoor affair, conducted on a small outcrop in the Colorado mountains.
I asked him if the couple had really committed to each other or where they just bluffing.
My favorite real-life one-liner: My kids went on a tour down into one of the salt mines near Salzburg with their mother. When they came out, they were all excited about what they had seen. One of them said that there was an underground salt lake and that they went across it on a boat. My question: So it was a saline ship?