What was the Zen Buddhist’s favorite dessert?
An ice cream koan!
Two brothers bought a cattle ranch and asked their mother to name it. She came up with the name “Focus.” Why Focus? Because it’s where the sons raise meat.
Sven & Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him $300 a week employment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation.“Diesel fitter” he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Panty stichers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.” “What skill?” yelled Ole. “I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, yah, diesel fitter.”
A couple guys were drinking and fishing on a pier. They got to arguing over if there were more slats, or slits between the slats on the pier.
The discussion got more heated as more beer was consumed.
They finally decided to settle it by counting the damn things, and headed down the pier counting. Unfortunately, the guy counting the spaces between planks was so focused, we walked right off the end into the lake.
Cuz when you’re out of slits, you’re out of pier.
Perfect. 
A German woman walks into a bar.
Bartender: Good evening, frauline.
Woman: Jah, jah, iss goot.
Bartender: Have you been well?
Woman: Jah, jah, iss goot.
Bartender: What can I get for you.
Woman: I’ll haff zee beer.
Bartenter: Anheuser-Busch?
Woman: Jah, jah, iss goot, und how’s your pecker?
Where must you be if you’re eating toaster waffles at the beach?
San Diego.
Up in Salem Oregon, in a secluded park, there was a tree who’s two main branches form a pretty good resemblance to a woman standing on her head.
One balmy evening a guy was passing through and saw this tree. He took advantage, fell in love, uprooted the tree and put it in the back of his pickup and headed for Califonia.
Just before he got to the Oregon border, a highway patrolman pulled him over and threatened to haul him off to jail forever.
“What did I do that’s so bad, officer”, he asked.
“Haven’t you heard, you idiot”, yelled the cop?
"You can’t take the country out of Salem.
Anybody get it? 
I sure don’t.
Back in the 70’s, when cigarette advertising was still allowed on TV, that was the slogan for Salem brand cigarettes. A puff from a Salem was equated with a breath of fresh country air.
Salem is/was a cigarette brand. If I remember correctly, their tag line was ‘You can take Salem out of the country but, you can’t take the country out of Salem’ ( I think…)
Doh, not quick enough.
In order for the joke to work, you also need to realize that “country” sounds a lot like “cunt tree.”
You can’t take the cunt tree out of Salem.
Patricia Mack worked as a bank officer.
One day a frog hopped up to her desk.
“Hi ho, friend. My name is Kermit Jagger. I’d like to take out a loan for $100,000, and I’d like to use this as collateral”, he said, setting a ceramic elephant on her desk.
Stunned, miss Mack replied that she would have to check with the bank president.
“Go right ahead”, the frog replied cheerfully.
She walked into the bank President’s office with the loan application.
“There’s a frog out there asking for a $100,000 loan, and when I asked him about collateral, he gave me this…What the hell is this anyway?”
The bank president replied : “It’s a nick-nack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”
I do need to quit sounding so sincere in my little whooshes. 
Gandhi walked everywhere, but wore no shoes, so he developed massive calluses on his feet. His spartan diet had unfortunate effects on his body, such as making his bones brittle and giving him terrible bad breath. So what was Gandhi, exactly?
He was a super-callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
I bow to your awesomeness!
My Real Life Pun
We were out of town at an Ikea and had just bought nearly a house full of furniture ( bedroom, dining room, living room) . About $3000 worth of stuff went into our Econoline 350. I loves me some Ikea.
Everything fit perfectly in, like puzzle peices, except one of the smaller boxes containing bedroom furniture. There wasn’t any room for it even between the captains chairs ( that was where our luggage was crammed.) So, it went ontop of all the other boxes where it “floated”. All the other boxes were nearly level with the tops of our seats.
We drive out of the parking lot and turn to go up a hill when we get to the top of the hill where the traffic is at a complete stop. My husband jams on the brakes and that box went barrelling from the back of the van right at the back of my husbands head.
Instinctively, I reached out and stopped the box with my left hand.
We both breathed a sigh of releif at what almost happened ( it would have been pretty painful if not indeed bad ) and I said to him, " Honey you were almost killed by a one night stand!"