A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder and sits at the bar.
‘That’s a pretty interesting pet you got there’ says the bartender.’ Does he have a name?’
'I call him ‘Tiny’ 'says the man.
‘Oh why’s that?’ says the bartender
‘Because he’s my newt’
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say “moo.” Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, “Moo? What’s the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?” “Isn’t it obvious?” the bull replies. “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
Say again “Aloud” as one word, not two.
“my newt” = minute
This one’s taking me more than a sec… :o
Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down. (A toy popular in the US several years ago)
Thanks, FBG…I didn’t get that one either.
A guy walks into a bar. When he sits down he notices a 12 inch man playing the piano in the corner. So the guy asks the bartender where on earth did he find a 12 inch man. The bartender takes out a lamp from under the bar and explains to the guy about the magic genie who will only grant one wish. The guy then asks the bartender if he could make a wish. The bartender agrees, but told the guy that he had to be very specific.
“Why” asked the customer.
“Well” said the bartender, “do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Yay, I’m not dumb, just ignorant! Woot! 
Also, thanks.
[nitpick]
That should be a pet salamander, not a lizard. Newts are amphibians.
[/nitpick]
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?
A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun guy!”
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
Two parrots on a perch. One says to the other, “Do you smell fish?”
Q: What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
A: The Holocaust.
Reminds me of this one
Two atoms are walking down a lane when one says
“I’ve lost an electron”
the other replies “Are you positive?”
My favourite in this category: Two nuns in a shower. One says to the other, “Where’s the soap?” The other replied, “Yeah, it does.”
Another gotta-say-it-out-loud e.g.: Why the the architect have his house made backwards? So he could they could both watch the game.
No, but I did hear about the two cannibals eating a missionary. One started at the head, the other at the feet. After a while, the one at the head asks the other, “How’s it going?”
“Great! I’m having a ball,” replied the other.
“Slow down, dammit!”
Ruh?
That joke pissed me off more than any other when I was trying to get it and even worse when I found out the answer. Has anyone in the history of the world gotten that one by themselves and been confident of the answer?