Once upon a time, there was a man named Nathan Hale who owned a Chrysler-Plymouth agency on the edge of town. His dealership was famous for its commitment to service and Nathan would do anything to keep the customer happy.
One day, a farmer’s wife came in with a basket of maize and inquired as to the availability of new Plymouth sedans. However, there was a catch. Since the farmer and his wife had become prosperous growing maize, the woman’s new car must be the same shade of yellow as the maize that had made them rich, in tribute to their good fortune.
Nathan, being free at the time, showed the woman every new car he had in his inventory. However, none of the cars was available in a color that suited the customer’s requirements. Undaunted, Nathan checked the data book to see if a car could be specially ordered. Striking out there, he called other Chrysler dealers to see if a car could be found. Finally, a desperate Nathan called the factory in Detroit, only to strike out again.
“Well, I never!” fumed the farmer’s wife, and hustled out of the showroom, taking her money and her basket with her and leaving a dejected Nathan behind.
“Such a shame,” remarked one salesman to another. “Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn.”
Zap!
An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, “You all know what this means – the Czech is in the male.”
Ringo became a gentleman farmer, but was having no success. His neighbor’s animals were all strong and healthy, so he went and asked him the secret to his success.
“well, for chickens, you wanna plant some corn.” The farmer said.
“Right, a field of corn for chickens.” Ringo replied.
“And for horses, you wanna plant some corn.” The farmer said.
“Right, a field of corn for horses.” Ringo replied.
“And for cows, you wanna…”
“I know, I know,” Rigno butts in, “I want a field of corn.”
“No,” replied the farmer, “everyone knows it strawberry fields for heifers.”
A frog went into a bank to take out a loan. He went to the loan officer, whose name was Patty Black. He told Patty Black that he wanted to take out a loan to make some repairs on his house. When asked what he had for colaterol, the frog pulled out a ceramic thing-a-ma-jig. Well, Patty Black didn’t know what to do so she went to see her manager. She explained the situation to him, saying he wanted a loan but all he had for colateral was a ceramic thing she couldn’t even identify. After thinking for a few minutes, the manager responded, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!!”
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He was therefore known as a …
Super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!
There were these twins, Gareth and Simon. One day they were scheduled to visit their fathers brother. He was a rich man and was sending a driver over to pick up the kids and their dog, called Walter.
The big limo arrived and this huge man stepped out from the drivers seat. He came over to the boys and told them to get in the back and keep quiet and make sure that Walter, the large St. Bernard, behaved himself. The driver tried to pick up the dog to put him in the back seat and the dog went crazy. Jumping around, barking and snarling.
Eventually, a neighbor came over and took the boys and the dog back inside their home.
When the boys mother came home from work. The neighbor came up to her and said, “The boys didn’t go. They are in the house.”
“What happened ?” asked the mother.
The neighbor replied, “Simon and Gareths uncles big chauffeur troubled Walter”
Roy was entertaining a friend in his living room. They were talking about all sorts of things. Roy mentioned he had a very good cat but this cat had been acting strange lately. He was biting and chewing all of Roy’s shoes.
He had just gone out and bought some new ones to replace the shoes the cat had destroyed. This morning Roy found that the cat got to his brand new shoes. Just then, the cat walked through the living room. His friend interrupted, saying, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”
Once upon a time there was a tropical island populated by two tribes of islanders. These tribes were, of course, quite primitive, but they weren’t particularly aggressive towards each other, choosing instead to play practical jokes on their rival tribe.
One notable difference between the two tribes was that one tribe built all its buildings from woven grasses while the other tribe built all their buildings from stone. The stone tribe’s most prized possession was a large stone throne made from the finest stone and polished mirror smooth.
Needless to say, the grass tribe thought that stealing this throne would be quite the grand prank. So one day, while the other tribe was off hunting (yes, the entire tribe did go) members from the grass tribe charged into the stone tribe’s village and stole the throne. They then lugged the thing back to their village and, knowing the other tribe would come looking for it sooner or later, hid it up in the rafters of their town hall.
That night, however, as the entire tribe was gathered in the town hall celebrating their grand prank, the roof of the hall started to give way, and the throne came crashing down, killing several villagers.
Moral of the story: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Well, obviously I know what a pun is. I said that they weren’t “true puns” only because they have set-ups that are contrived and might be found in a collection of puns in print somewhere. The true pun, of course, is one that is rapid-fire. I stand by that assertion, while still realizing that these are all puns by definition. I have also done the “random word from the dictionary pun game,” and I find it challenging and fun, although I must admit I don’t get the Arc de Triomphe one; maybe it’s based on a saying or phrase I don’t know. Boy, those are frustrating when you make a championship pun and people don’t get it. I’m sorry I don’t get yours. I even give bonus points to my students (half-point for each, so it’s a nominal “bonus” at best) for solving the puns I put on their vocabulary quizzes, using the words they’ve learned. By my own definition, these are puns in name only, and don’t fit the “spirit” of the true pun, which must be spoken and spontaneous. They’re still good for a few groans, though.
I do still enjoy and appreciate many of these classics, though. The “trifle bazaar” is a personal favorite of mine. OK, I’ll join in with the classics:
While visiting a friend at Mercy Hospital [this joke/pun works well around here in Western Massachusetts because this is an actual local institution], I stopped by the cafeteria for a warm cup of tea. I found the Australian blend to be interesting, and I discovered later that it was made with actual koala bears for that extra flavor. Finding a few chunks of koala claw and ear in my tea was a bit too disgusting for me, though, and I went to the manager to complain. “I’m sorry, sir,” he replied, “but the koala tea of mercy is not strained.”
Prior to the breakup of the Soviet Union, my wife and I had an opportunity to visit Moscow. It is a beautiful city with friendly people, all eager to help us enjoy our visit, including Rudolph Karnekov, the personal guide assigned to us by the concierge of our hotel. Moscow-born and bred and a former membr of the Politburo, Rudy was very knowledgeable about the city and every aspect of Russian life, as well. We spent every moment possible out exploring the city, despite the often unpredictable Moscow weather.
One day, as we prepared to leave the hotel for a visit to a winery on the outskirts of Moscow, it began to rain/sleet/snow. I, at least, was sure it was snow. My wife was equally sure it was rain, and insisted upon a visit to a local department store, to purchase an umbrella. I thought the shopping spree was a waste of time - who needed an umbrella for a little snow? (Besides, I really wanted to get to that winery!) Well, a lengthy argument insued which threatened to ruin the day’s excursion, until my wife suggested we defer to someone whose judgement about local weather conditions was sure to be above reproach – namely, our Muscovite guide. “After all,” my wife insisted, “Rudolph The Red knows rain, Dear!”
Ah, you’re using the term “true” to mean “my preferred type” rather than “actual”. Sort of the way someone might say that “cat” is not a true word, because it doesn’t have more than four letters, or that China is not a true country, because it’s not in North America. I was confused by your inital post that said “I would consider all of the ones mentioned in this thread so far to be “jokes based on word play,” not quite puns”, which really made it sound like you didn’t know the definition of “pun.” My mistake.
“What kind of fossil bird is worth risking the Arc?”
“It’s an Arc he’d opt to risk.” Archeopteryx is a famous extinct dinosaur/bird. Yeah, it does require some background knowledge, and a particular pronunciation of archeopteryx.
Back to the puns:
If you visit a prostitute in the winter, watch out for the hoar frost.
I had a maid come in and clean my machine shop. I was impressed, she’d dusted everywhere, even behind the electrical metal-joining equipment. I had to tell her, it was a spot welderserving of a compliment.
But even as I spoke, dust was a-cetylene back down.
Long ago, a farmer’s wife grew berries and picked them. One berry, however, stood out plump, ripe and golden. It looked so beautiful, the farmer and his wife couldn’t stand to eat it. Instead, the farmer invited his neighbors over to look at it. They agreed it was the most beautiful berry they had ever seen.
News of the beautiful berry got out, and soon, people from miles around visited the farmer’s house to view his wife’s berry. They all left knowing that it was indeed the most beautiful berry they had ever seen. News spread further, all the way to the emperor’s throne room. The emperor ordered his advisors to go forth and attest for themselves that this was the most beautiful berry in existence.
Eventually, the advisors showed up at the farmer’s house with a contingent of soldiers. This scared the farmer, as well as his wife, and the neighbors. When the chief advisor came in to see the berry, his face lit up as he went into a full-blown litany of poetry describing how beautiful indeed the berry was.
The farmer feebly asked, “You mean you’re not going to steal my wife’s berry?”
“No,” replied the advisor. “We came to praise her berry, not seize it.”
