Once a man was wrecked on a desert island. To protect himself from the elements, he decides to build a simple shelter out of driftwood and rocks. He spends all day building a crude lean-to, and, as dusk falls, he’s just about to enter it when… seagulls attack! Tens of them. Hundreds, maybe, Like a living, cawing whirlwind, they utterly destroy the poor man’s lean-to. The man spends a cold night at the mercy of the elements. The next day, he arises early and sets about building a sturdier structure. It takes him all day. As the sun dips below the horizon, he listens apprehensively and hears… cawing. Once again, a mad rush of seagulls razes his little house. During a chilly night under the stars, the man resolves to end the seagull menace for once and for all. The next day, he does nothing but collect rocks. By sunset he has a big ol’ stack of them, and he awaits the nightly seagull invasion with something like cold fury. At last they come. For a good hour, the man pelts bird after bird with his rocks. And they fall, every man Jack of them! Seagull after seagull bites the dust. He kills them all! Well, almost all. One lone seagull escapes the carnage. The man contemplates heaving more rocks after it, but he’s tired, and how much harm can one seagull do? The next morning, he again begins construction of a simple shelter. As the sun sets, he steps back to admire his handiwork… suddenly, a lone gull slices into view. With revenge in its beady little bird eyes, it ruthlessly attacks the shelter, attacks it again and again until it’s reduced to rubble
and the poor man is reduced to tears.
Moral of the story: Leave no tern unstoned.
A young native american grew up pretty much dirt poor on a reservation in Arizona. However, he studied hard and did well in school- so well, in fact, that he was able to get a scholarship to a renowned university on the east coast. He left the reservation and headed east. He did so well at the university that he was able to get a scholarship for graduate school where he decided to pursue an engineering degree. After graduation he was inundated with job requests. One company especially courted him and offered him a great deal with a well-paying starting job. He told the interviewer “I’ll accept the offer but on one condition- I won’t be able to start for another two weeks.”
“Why is that?” the interviewer responded.
“Well, there’s a project that I’d like to work on back home. You see, we didn’t hae running water or electricity so we were forced to use an outhouse. Due to worries about disease, the outhouse was a good distance from the dwellings and since there’s no electricity, you wind up stumbling and falling over all the rocks, if you’re lucky you won’t break your leg. I’d like to set up some solar panels to collect energy, which will then be used to light the way to the outhouse at night.”
“Well, that seems like a respectable project and you have my blessing to start in two weeks.”
By doing this he became known around those parts for wiring a head for a reservation.
[sub]is a phillipino contortionist a manilla folder?[/sub]
There is a monastery near Aspen, Colorado, called Snowmass. All the monks have taken a vow of silence. They rarely speak. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot comes in and chants, “Good morning.”
The monks chant in reply, “Good morning.”
They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, “Good evening.”
The monks all reply in unison, “Good evening.” Not another word is spoken until the next morning.
Several years ago one of the monks decided he had to break up the boredom of this routine. The next morning when the head abbot chanted, “Good morning,” all the other monks responded, “Good morning”, except the one bored monk who, hiding his identity from the other monks, chanted, “Good evening.”
Quickly, the head abbot sang in reply: “Some-one chanted evening. He must be a stranger.”
Once, not so very long ago, identical twin boys were born and placed for adoption. One twin was adopted by an Arab-American family and named Ahmal Abdullah. The other twin was adopted by a Hispanic family and named Juan Miguel. Both boys grew up happy in loving homes. One day when they were both grown up, the twins found out about each other. Ahmal flew to Juan’s hometown, where Juan showed his brother around town. While they were out, a curious neighbor stopped by and asked Juan’s mother if she could see the other twin, the boy she’d never met.
“Why bother?” said Juan’s mother. “If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Hey Khadaji, you’ve posted a lot of bad puns to this thread. One would think you would have won this contest, but unfortunately no pun in ten did.
LOL. Nicely done.
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. The dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
Guido was a “cleaner” for the mob, and one of the best. He’d often be asked to travel to foreign countries to make a hit. One trip took him to Italy. He was to take out an aging mafia don and his brother. They were going to be difficult targets. Because of their failed eyesight, they never left their home in Venice, where they were surrounded by bodyguards at all times. Guido wasn’t sure how he was going to get in. Then he realized, he didn’t need to get in. He bought powdered arsenic, and climbing atop the house he fed it into the air conditioning intake. The job was done, the two men died. When the bodyguards discovered what had happened, they realized a cleaner had dusted the Venitian blinds.
Bill sold flowers near a Franciscan Friar abbey. To raise money, the monks decided that they were going to start selling tulips and roses from their garden. Bill knew that this was going to put a serious crimp in his business so he hired the local toughguy, Hugh, to “take care of the problem”.
One morning, the Franciscans arrived at their stand and discovered that it was burnt to the ground. Despondent, they returned to their old methods of raising money.
Moral of the story: Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
Very well then. i attended a religious-based private school myself, and the school was being sued some some reason. We were discussing it in English class and my teacher said “This whole thing could turn out to be a blessing.” So I piped up from the back row, “Well, the Bible does tell us 'Blessed are the prosecuted.” 
I also was very proud of the spur-of-the-moment pun I came up with in another thread about favorite jokes recently. Something about fart jokes and puns being the two lowest forms of humor. But I can’t seem to find it right now.
Ah…here’s that thread.
Well, nineiron, if you want spur-of-the-moment puns, how do you feel about totally unintentional ones?
My father told the story of an incident that happened in a college class he had taken. The day after an unexpected test, the professor said to the class, “How do you like my little pop quizies?”
A female student replied, “If that was one of your little quizies, I would hate to see one of your big testies!”
When she realized what she had said, she turned red and ran out of the class, never to return.
An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection with the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very unusual species called the Rarie. The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with feet on the bottom. However, the collector did not know much about this creature, especially how much it would grow. And it grew. As the Rarie grew, it ate more and more. And it grew at an alarming rate. The small animal enclosure had to be enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged. All too soon, the size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the amount of food consumed was straining the collector’s budget.
Finally, in a state of desperation, he took the animal in a dump truck to the edge of a gigantic cliff with the idea that he would drop it over the edge.
Just as the collector was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck, the animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked, “Whatcha gonna do now?”
The collector explained how he could no longer afford the upkeep, and that dropping it over the cliff would be a humane way to get rid of such an expensive liability.
The animal looked over the edge and with a tear in its eye, it said “It’s a long way to tip a Rarie.”
Doubting Robert, I approve.
I had two students who were sisters, and their last name was Hill. Each had a cold and was coughing quite a bit. Naturally I pointed out that “The Hills are alive with the sound of mucus.”
Our graduating seniors recently did a sort of “roast” or tribute to several teachers. For me they just put a kid in a Red Sox cap and had him crack a bunch of puns. It was so funny it brought tears to my eyes.
I’m sure you know it and just do the story for atmosphere, but that’s an urban legend.
I’d be good and post a pun, but I can’t think of any right now…
A quick list from someone else:
- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (Groucho Marx)
- A backwards poet writes inverse.
- In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- Every calendar’s days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
…and an original (and true) one from me:
When my choir was performing John Adams’ Harmonium, which sets texts by John Donne and Emily Dickinson, the chorusmaster commented that he didn’t like the settings of the Dickinson poems at all.
“Why?” I asked, “They’re easier said than Donne…”
ok, so an neutron walks into a bar and he go’s to the barman and orders pint. when the barman comes back with the neutrons drink, the neutron asked how much it would cost. the barman says…“for you, no charge”
ba-dum-ching
I’m sorry to announce that I had to put my pet parakeet to sleep last night…
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He had a canarial disease…
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Chirp-ees…
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It was totally un-tweet-able…
:smack:
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing…
“I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone.”
A brilliant scientist never found time to marry but desperately wanted a son. So he cloned himself! Of course this young self-image was extremely brilliant and the scientist was very proud of him and took very good care of him.
But lo and behold, as the young man grew older, he developed a very foul mouth. Teachers banned him from the classroom; neighbourhood stores banned him; even the Boy Scouts threw him out!
Soon the scientist had had enough. Unable to think of anything else to do, he shoved his son off a cliff to rid the world of this foul-mouthed menace.
Of course the police soon came to arrest him. Thinking that this was not really a human being but a genetic ‘invention’, he asked the policeman what he was being charged with since he couldn’t have murdered something that had never been ‘born’!
The officer answered: ‘You’re being charged with making an offensive clone fall.’
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate.
Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp’s water and simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce.
Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium.
‘You mean…?’ said Jim.
‘Yes,’ said Tom. ‘They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!’
It seems that there was this marine biologist at the University or New Brunswick(Canada) who was working on a system that would allow humans to talk to fish, and fish to talk with humans.
One day, after many years of working in the lab, the system is ready for field testing! So the scientist takes his gear down to a local salmon stream and sets it up.
Lo and behold, the system worked! Our hero began talking with the salmon in the stream and the salmon began talking with the scientist. The scientist noticed one particular salmon that looked a little different from the rest.
This salmon was a deeper reddish brown than the others, so he nick-named him Rusty. The scientist then struck up quite a friendship with Rusty. Rusty told the scientist what it was like to be a fish, and the scientist told Rusty what it was like to be a human being.
One day, after two seasons by the stream, Rusty said ‘It’s time for me to go down to the ocean to spawn.’
The marine biologist responded ‘NO Rusty! You can’t! Do you know how dangerous the trip will be? Do you know that the return rate for your species is about 2%? Do you know that there are many dangers you will have to face on the journey – Fishermen, sharks, and all kinds of other dangers!!’
‘Look’ said Rusty, ‘A salmons’ gotta do what a salmons’ gotta do.’ So off he went.
Two years later, the scientist is still working by the same stream, when he hears a familiar voice from the past. Rusty had returned!
So the two of them rapidly got re-aquatinted.
‘You know, you were right about all the dangers’ said Rusty. ‘I lost track of the number of times that I was almost caught in some fisherman’s net. I lost track of the number of times that I was almost eaten by sharks. But let me tell you,’ Rusty continued, ‘about the amazing sights I witnessed.’
‘Tell me what you saw!’ said the scientist excitedly.
‘The ship wrecks were incredible!’
The scientist explained to Rusty about the large number of ships that were sunk in the North Atlantic.
‘Well one ship I saw, the Titanic, was really fantastic! It was sitting on the bottom, all by itself, it was just gorgeous! We swam all through it, up the grand staircases, down into the dining salons! It was, it was, it was so moving that I decided to write some poetry about it.’
‘It must be really beautiful stuff’ said the scientist.
‘I know it is. Maybe you could help me get it published’ said Rusty.
‘Sure’ said the scientist, ‘do you have a title for your poems?’
‘Yes – Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses!’
The Sesame Street Bus company hires a new driver called Harry. Driving the bus along Harry is flagged down by two rather fat ladies. Greeting them cheerfully, Harry says ‘Hi, I’m Harry’ to which the first lady replies ‘My name is Patty’. The second lady says ‘My name is also Patty’.
Harry gets the bus under way and is flagged down at the next bus stop by a man. As the man boards, Harry says ‘Hi I’m Harry’. The man replies ‘Hi, I’m Ross, and I’m special’.
Harry thinks ‘Yeah right’. Harry gets the bus under way again and is flagged down at another bus stop. As the passenger boards, Harry greets him in the usual way. The passenger says ‘Hi, I’m Bedas Peas’, and sits in the front seat.
Harry starts going again but smells a stench. Having a quick look he notices that Bedas Peas has taken his shoes and socks off, and is picking at a bunion on his foot.
At the end of the day, Harry returns to the depot and tells the manager he quits. To his surprise, the manager asks why.
Harry explains: ‘If I have to pick up Two obese Pattys, special Ross, Bedas Peas picking bunions on a sesame street bus, one more time, I’ll go crazy’.
And what do you call a knife that can slice four loaves of bread at once?
A four-loaf cleaver.
When the woman wanted to complain about the tractor she’d bought, she sent the company a…
…John Deere letter.