A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents.
“I’d like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I’d like to thank the beautiful bridesmaids and finally I’d like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater.”
Here is a story about the Frugal Gourmet’s recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany , but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home. Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips. The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and thus the Frugal gourmet would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers. The Frugal Gourmet quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, the Frugal Gourmet asked him if he were the “Fish Friar.”
The brother repiled, “No, I’m the Chip Monk.”
Once a rich man went on a safari. As he was about to enter the jungle, his guide warned him, “The jungle is a dangerous place. There are tigers, poisonous snakes and other obvious dangers. But the most deadly of them all is the mysterious foo bird.”
“What makes it so dangerous?” the man asked.
“The foo bird is a very territorial animal,” the guide explained. “If you walk under a tree in which a foo bird nest, it will relieve itself on you.”
“Well, that certainly doesn’t sound like much fun,” the man replied, “but it doesn’t sound dangerous.”
“There is more than that. You cannot wipe off the feces, or it will cause a chemical reaction that will immediately kill you.”
As this made little sense, the rich man had trouble believing it and didn’t pay it much mind. A few hours later, they were walking through the jungle and a glob of foo bird feces hit him on top of the head. Before the guide could do or say anything, the man reached up and wiped it off. Sure enough, he dropped dead instantly.
The moral of the story is: If the foo shits, wear it.
One I made up yesterday during a really boring day at work:
Carl Jung, temporarily leaving the world of psychology for the world of theology, was explaining to a crowd how heaven and hell would work if he started a religion. Depending on how you had lived your life, you would spend parts of eternity in heaven and parts in hell. Murders and such would spend almost all their time in hell, nuns most of their time in heaven.
Hell at night would also be different for different people. The murderers would not be allowed to sleep at all, and the nuns would get to sleep on a decent cot.
He finished his speech and asked if there were any questions. One person asked what hell would be like for someone who had been a pathological liar all their life.
Jung reliped, “In the Jung hell, the nightly Jung hell, the liar sleeps all night.”
Am I wrong or is Jung pronounced ‘yung.’ It took me a couple of readings to get that 
Mary Poppins gave up the magic nanny business, moved to L.A., and went into the more profitable psychic readings biz. Seems she was really good at predicting when someone would have bad breath, oddly enough. She placed a sign in her window that said “Super California Mystic. Expert: Halitosis.”
Bloodnut, yours reminds me of another atomic pun:
An atom is walking down the street, and not looking where he’s going, bumps right into another one.
He apologizes, and asks, “Are you all right?”
“No! I’ve lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!”
What’s the difference between ‘light’ and ‘hard’?
It’s possible to fall asleep with a light on.
Yeah, looks like it’s pronounced yoong. That’s what I get for getting most of my education on the internet rather than spoken by teachers and such.
Hey, you try to think up good puns while standing for eight hours, filling a hopper full of product samples soon to be junk mail.
Old favorite:
One day the Shah of a middle-eastern country decided his son the Shan was old enough to have a body guard. He searched his kingdom until he found the right person for the job. As it turned out, he was well suited for the task and watched after the Shan dutifully. As the Shan got older, the body guard decided he could probably slip off for awhile without consequence. As luck would have it the Shan was epileptic , had a fit and died while he was gone. When the Shah found out about it, he called the body guard and asked:
Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?
Did you hear about the guy who was making eyeglasses and had an accident involving the lens grinder? Yeah, he made a spectacle of himself.
Then there was the butcher who backed into the meatgrinder and got a little behind in his work.
But my favorite one is about the guy at the candy factory who fell into a vat of bubble gum. His boss chewed him out.
ducking for cover,
TN*hippie
One day a man visited a sleepy little diner. He was wearing a gold suit - shirt, jacket, pants, shoes, socks, tie - even gloves. He took a seat at the end of the counter and ordered a hamburger. The waitress took one look at this visitor and asked his name. “Midas,” he replied. “Don’t touch me.”
“Really? Why not?”
“I have a rare condition. I’d rather not get into it.”
She waitress shrugged. About this time the burger was ready, so she gave it to him. He picked it up, and as he bit into it, it turned into solid gold.
“Dammit!” he said, spitting out a tooth. “This always happens! I hate this food!”
The chef overheard this outburst and threw open the door to the kitchen. “Whud you say bout mah cookin’?” he shouted, charging at the man.
“Look out!” screamed the waitress, but it was too late. The cook threw a quick left, which hit the man on the jaw, knocking him to the floor. At the same time, the cook turned to a solid gold statue. A police officer was sitting at a booth, and saw the whole thing transpire. “Freeze, scumbag!” he said, drawing his gun.
Midas got up off the floor. The officer snapped some handcuffs around his wrists, which promptly turned to gold. He also put some cuffs on the waitress, and led them both to his squad car in the parking lot.
“Why me?” asked the waitress. “I didn’t do anything, you know I didn’t! I just met the guy!”
“I’m sorry,” said Midas. “This always happens. It’s a case of gilt by association.”
Fintan is just mad about agricultural machinery. His bedroom wall is completely covered with pictures of John Deeres, Massey Fergusons and Zetors. He subscribes to Which Baler, Slurry Tank Monthly and Ploughs to the Stars. He travels the length and breadth of the country to agricultural shows to drool over the shiny surfaces of the latest models. His midnight fumblings are accompanied by thoughts of straight furrows and baling twine.
In fact, Fintan’s friends decide that he has crossed the fine line between a harmless hobby and a dangerous obsession. They manage to book him into counselling and he attends Agrimaniacs Anonymous. Over a period of months he is weaned off his addiction and within a year, he recalls that period of his life with no little embarrassment.
A few years later, Fintan and his friends were having a few drinks and a chat in the local pub. However, their convivial evening was being spoiled by the volume of cigar and cigarette smoke in the air. They bemoaned the poor ventilation and the high proportion of smokers around that evening. Suddenly, Fintan had an idea.
He arose from his bar stool and went over to stand by the window. He opened his jaws and began to inhale. His inhalation continued for minutes. The entire clientele stared at Fintan with amazement - the capacity of his lungs seemed to know no bounds. He sucked every molecule of smoke from the pub’s atmosphere. He then opened the window, dropped his trousers and placed his derriere upon the sill. Then he began his rectal exhalation. For five full minutes, the smoke from the bar was expelled into the open air. Fintan hoisted his trousers and calmly returned to his friends.
The first drinker to shake himself out of his stunned silence asked, “Fintan, how in the name of all that’s holy did you do that?”
Fintan replied, “I’m an ex-tractor fan”.
Sorry. And I mean that sincerely.
Wow, I thought that this thread had died…
Dinosaurs are very popular these days. We have Dino from the Flintstones and Barney who loves us. The Jurassic Park dinosaurs wanted us for lunch. So, surely you know the name of the famous dinosaur which keeps saying the same thing in many different ways?
Roget, The Saurus
Anne the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque.
Sam’s car wouldn’t lock, but Sam was a good friend of the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office, and went into the disco for some fun.
By the end of the night, and having had way too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal, completely forgetting to take back their instruments.
Anne told the conductor, “I left my harp in Sam’s friend’s disco.”
Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child.
The first placed a large bear hide by the river, the second squaw placed an elk hide by the tree by the river, and the third squaw placed a hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree, so that the three formed a triangle.
It just so happened that all three women gave birth on the same day. The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5lb son, the second on the elk hide had a 6lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had an 11lb son.
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first proof of Pythagorus’s Theory :
The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the adjacent hides.
A certain young man started a new job in a city. He would drive every day to work, as would most of his collegues.
The drive was a long one - he had to get into the city through a very congested road tunnel, and it didn’t take long for before he had decied to start a ridesharing initiative with his collegues.
But within a week of starting it, he found with severe pains in his wrists. They seemed to happen while he was driving through the tunnel - he was fine outside the tunnel - but because the tunnel was so busy, they often had to spend some time in there, and it was quite a painful experience for the young man.
He saw a doctor the following weekend, and he was told that he had a problem that is quite common nowadays: carpool tunnel syndrome.
Once upon a time, Sven, a visually challenged Dane, decided to have a house built exactly to his specifications. During the building, the basin in the bathroom was broken. Rather than pay for a new one, the buliders used an old brickies hod. Sven never noticed and was happy with his new house.
Which only goes to show that a hod’s as good as a sink to a blind Norse.
Right after Queen Victoria visited the Canadian city named after her (Victoria, British Columbia, of course), she was asked if a housing development could be named in her honor – Victoria Mews.
The Queen replied “We can be many things: We can be a city in Canada, and We can be a falls in Africa, but We are NOT a mews!”