Hire a local high school student on the school drum corps to follow you around. After a joke, nod at the student to do a rimshot.
Gweat!
The gentle nudge is key.
Accompanied by a “wink wink” and “say no more”
Gwoan.
Yes. Most jokes fail. The ones you hear from comics have been tried out over and over and polished. Having someone not realize it was supposed to be a joke is better than forcing them to see it was a bad joke.
I very rarely use the Bob Hope-ism “But seriously folks.”
It is timing, it is voice inflection, it is expectation. If the generic you can say outrageous things from time to time, that work, the audience gets the expectation that you are going to be funny and are more prepared to look for humor. It’s also better to wait for the opportunity to tell a really good joke (like the hockey joke) than to tell a bunch of weak ones like those in the OP.
And it helps to be Jewish. 
Yes, yes, and yes. You can read the phone book and get laughs if you deliver it correctly. My brother says the stupidest stuff, but he delivers it so awesomely that I can’t help laughing.
Oops… sorry. Good thing I also have a slide whistle.
That’s like someone going “How can we clean up after Katrina?” and you going “Don’t live in New Orleans.” We’re talking aftermath here…damage control. You have to assume that the bad joke already happened. I mean, I’ve already got the other stuff down. Well, I’ll have it down after I pick up a slide whistle on the way home from work today.
C’mon, you don’t have to play to the lowest common denominator. People that hang out with me know they have to pay attention.
Set your goals high. When I did a teaching tour through Korea, I was required to go out with students once per week. So my goal was, during a meal, cause a student to laugh so hard a piece of rice would fly out of their nose and then I could pluck it out of the air with my chopsticks, a’la Mr. Miyagi, which just increased the hilarity as students would help me try to get another student to completely lose it.
I also love getting what I call “the Golden Laugh.” That’s when you tell a series of jokes in procession so that the next laugh builds on the previous laugh to the point where they lose control of their body. It starts off with a smile or chuckle, builds up to a guffaw, then tears, then their hands start swinging around, and then when their stomachs hurt, they either fall off their chair or curl up in a fetal position. The Golden Laugh is when the pain is so intense that you want to die but you can’t stop laughing.
One of my best was the Halloween where I dressed up as Elvis. The local community theater rents out Elvis costumes, and their Jumpsuit Elvis (powder blue) fits me really well. We had a talent show at our school, so I teamed up with another teacher who was dressed as a toilet. Then, I re-wrote the words to “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” to re-enact his death scene (he died of a brain aneurysm while pooping.) Several of the teachers fell off chairs, and my toilet/prop/partner couldn’t sit up straight.
The Death of Elvis
Wise man say, eat fiber 3 times a day,
For I can’t help, making doo doo in you.
Shall I flush
Would it be too soon
'Cause I can’t help, making doo doo in you.
All my doodoo flows, surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Push my hand-le, take my paper too
For I can’t help, making doodoo in you.
chorus
Elvis: Ow, my head. dies
The easiest way is to tell a few obvious jokes, and always do something with your voice when you do them. Then do that same thing with your voice when you tell the more subtle ones. This tells your audience when you are telling a joke, but doesn’t hit them over the head with it.
Also, there’s absolutely no reason you shouldn’t have been the one to say “literally.” And the reason the “illuminating” joke sounds dorky is because it inherently is. You’ve got to play it up like you know it’s dorky, and you can still get laughs. I wouldn’t do it with the pause, though–vocal inflection is where it’s at. I’d go a little Woody Allen on it.
And finally, don’t sweat it if a joke doesn’t go over. Just move on. Not even the best comedians get laughs on every joke. I read once that about 3 in 10 is fine.
Dry and deadpan works for me most of the time. The only drawback is the few people who don’t get the jokes really don’t realize that I’m joking and occasionally offer to pray for me.
Stole my line.
Jack Benny got his biggest laughs not saying anything
Sometimes it is better to pretend you didn’t tell a joke at all. Johnny Carson had a whole stock of things to say when a joke bombed. You can insult yourself “Damn, another D in comedy school” or you can insult the audience.
On the second Tom Lehrer album, between songs, he told about the necrophiliac who achieved his boyhood dream by becoming coroner. About a fifth of the audience laughed, and he said “the rest of you can look it up when you get home.” I prefer insulting myself, but I’m more a Steward person than a Colbert person.
Going from the thread title, isn’t the lack of laugh itself review enough?
Now, that’s funny!
“Can you see us on your instruments?”
“Yes, we’ve got you, got you on the tuba.”
“Uh, they’re not going for it, Swindon.”
“That’s too bad, I really liked that bit.”
“Yes, I would have thought that would have gotten a bigger laugh.”
- Eddie izzard
The judge said “Bob in courtroom 2B gets the porn cases, and I get this.”