Dear NY State Department of Labor:
It is with the deepest regret that despite both scouring the gritty beaches of Coney Island and rubbing the brass fixtures at The Light Store, I have yet again failed to find a magic lamp, with which I could wish for your annihilation.
Owing to these and other limitations afforded me by you clueless assholes, I have been forced to simply mark you for death. You may avoid this if you simply do the following:[ul][li]Speak to me at the NY State Department of Death Markings on the phone and cancel your annihilation. But first:[/li]
[li]Call me on Sunday, and Sunday only for several weeks before I deign to do anything about your problem. But first:[/li]
[li]Find my special Sunday calling 212 number. But first:[/li]
[li]Receive the special Sunday number instruction packet by mail.[/li]
Aw, it didn’t arrive? Back to step one:
[li]Prove you spoke to anyone at the 1800 toll-free secret swiss number, and get your instruction packet resentBut first:[/li]
[li]Speak to my staff at the 1800 toll-free secret swiss number. But first:[/li]
[li]Have your ID verified by my 1800 toll-free secret swiss staff who are highly trained to sniff out shiftless indigents who don’t know their Sunday School teacher’s maiden name, or which street their folks lived in 1965. Their names are all Latoya and no you can’t have their last name, employee number, direct callback number or supervisor’s name, for this is the highly secret Latoya code for “hang up on me, there’s a live weasel in my pants!” But first:[/li]
[li]Hang up and call back later, when you are prepared to answer questions about your parent’s domicile. (If you were in the Armed Forces, please have your discharge papers and also sometimes form 2486-G dash Aleph, if you’re left-handed.) But first:[/li]
[li]Clear the third 1800 toll-free secret swiss phone tree’s automated question bank. These are remarkably similar to the questions asked by the 1800 toll-free secret swiss staff – in fact you may notice a pattern between this and all three of the automated question banks. Have pen and paper handy. But first:[/ul][ol][]Are you a terrorist? Press 1 if the answer if yes, 0 if no.[/li][li]Are you trying to cheat us? Press 1 if the answer is yes.[/li][li]You didn’t press 1, liar! Press 1.[/li][li]Listen, we’re going nowhere if you don’t press 1, you lazy scammer. Fine, don’t press 1.[/li][li]Do you smoke the herbal stick? Press 1 if the answer if yes, 0 if no.[/li][li]Did you get marked for death because of your incompetence? Press 1 if the answer if yes, 0 if no.[/li]
But first:
[/ol][ul][li]Clear the second 1800 toll-free secret swiss phone tree’s automated question bank, again. But first:[/li]
[li]Oh sorry, we’re overloaded at this time. Please try your call again later. Back to step one:[/li]
[li]Clear the second 1800 toll-free secret swiss phone tree’s automated question bank: But first:[/ul][ol][]Are you still not a terrorist? Press 1 if the answer is yes, 0 if no.[/li][li]Are you a member of a lazy minority? Press 1 if the answer is yes, 0 if no.[/li][li]Have you been on welfare? Press 1 if the answer is yes, 0 if no.[/li][li]Were you in Special Ed? Press 1 if the answer is yes, 0 if no.[/li][li]Are you parents disappointed with you? Press 1 if the answer is yes, 0 if the answer is hell yes.[/li]
But first:[/ol][ul][li]Clear the first 1800 toll-free secret swiss phone tree’s automated question bank, again: But first:[/li]
[li][Dial tone] Back to step one:[/li]
[li]Clear the first 1800 toll-free secret swiss phone tree’s automated question bank: But first:[/ul][ol]What’s your social security number… now?[/li][li]Do you have the same number of kids as when you started this process? Press 1 if the answer is yes, 0 if no.[/li][li]Enter every major identification number you’ve ever used now:[/li][li]As you hear tones punch the matching keypad tone now:[/li][li]Free style; express yourself by angrily punching in numbers now:[/li][li]Have you lost all hope of ever speaking to a human being? Press 1 if the answer is yes, 0 if no. Broken, eh? Fine.[/li]
But first:[/ol][ul][li]Listen carefully and slower to the instructions after the greeting on the Marked for Death 1800 toll-free secret swiss phone number. S-l-o-w-e-r, because we’re apparently worried some of our clientele are retarded squirrels. But first:[/li]
[li]Find the unlisted 1800 toll-free secret swiss phone number that I wrote on an acorn in Central Park. [/ul]Best of luck,[/li]
Ace
