Man walks into a bar at 8:00AM. He sits at the bar drinking beer after beer. At 6:00PM the man gets off the barstool and walks to a nearby window, opens the window, unzips his pants and pulls out his weiner.
The bartender races over shouting, “Hey, mister, you can’t do that here!”
The man says, “Don’t worry, I’m not doing it here, I’m doing it waaaaay over there!”
Three fellowes walk into a pubbe.
Deconstructed 3 bloke in bar routine.
Both courtesy of Bill Bailey.
Where’d the gorilla go?
The bartender says “We don’t serve your kind in here”. A tachyon walks into a bar.
A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here”. The helium doesn’t react.
A man walks into a bar with two black and white checkered flags. The bartender says, “I hope you’re not going to start something.”
Shakespeare walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You can’t come in here. You’re bard.”
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “Olive or twist?”
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
From a prior thread on the topic:
Two pieces of tarmac go into a bar.
They’re having a nice pint when a piece of red cement walks in the door.
One of the pieces of tarmac sees the cement, immediately grabs the other one, drags him to the floor, and pushes him under the table.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the second piece of tarmac.
“Shh!” replies the first. “I know we’re hard, but that guy’s a fucking cycle path!”
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head.
The bartender says “Hey, where’d you get that?”
The parrot replies “Africa, there’s thousands of 'em.”
Nine-hundred million Chinese walk into a bar; they order a beer and just sit there, quietly sipping it.
Finally the bartender can’t stand it anymore; “We don’t see many Chinese in here,” he says.
“And with this atmosphere of hedonistic individualism, capitalistically exploiting the labor of the masses, and wasting the people’s agricultural resources…” say the Chinese “…you won’t be seeing many more.”
The man won’t start anything, but he sure is going to finish it!
(Checkered flags mean “End of race” and “end of session.” Green flags mean GO GO GO!)
A deep-water sailor walks into a bar – there is a ship’s wheel stuck partly down his pants. The bartender asks, “Why is there a steering wheel in your pants?” The sailor says, “Arr, it be drivin’ me nuts.”
BTW - what happened to the gorilla? Where did the bear come from?
Yeah, that’s why I normally go with “jumper cables” for that joke.
Yeah, that would work better. I think I need to get a grip.
An infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar. The first one says “A pint please.” The second one says “I’ll have half what he’s having.” The third one says “I’ll have half what he’s having.” The bartender holds up his hand as the fourth mathematician approaches the bar; he grunts “You guys are crazy” and pours two pints.
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender asks, “Hey, how’d you get that?” “Well, it started out as a bump on my ass.” replied the frog.
Off the cuff:
An economist walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, “One Budweiser please.”
The bartender says, “Sorry – we’re all out of Bud, and the truck is running late.”
The economist says, “First assume the truck arrived on time.”
Off the cuff again:
A software engineer walks into a bar. He orders a pint of Guinness, a pint of Yuengling, a pint of Bud, a pint of MGD, a pint of Sam Adams, and a pint of St Pauli Girl.
The bartender shrugs, pours the six pints, and lines them up on the bar. The engineer pays.
The engineer swaps the Guinness and the Yuengling.
The engineer swaps the Guinness and the Bud.
The engineer swaps the Guinness and the MGD.
The engineer swaps the Guinness and the Sam.
The engineer looks at the Guinness and the SPG, but doesn’t move them.
The engineer swaps the Yuengling and the Bud.
The engineer swaps the Yuengling and the MGD.
The engineer swaps the Yuengling and the Sam.
The engineer sees that the next beer is the Yuengling, and doesn’t compare the two.
The engineer holds up the Bud and the MGD and compares the two.
At this point, the bartender asks, “What the blazes are you doing?”
The engineer says, “I’m working on my bubble sort algorithm.”
A Nose and a pair of Jump-Leads walk into a bar.
Barman says to the Nose, “Sorry mate, no way I’m serving you”.
“Why not?”, says the Nose.
Barman replies, “Well, you’re off your face, and your mate’s about to start something”.
Typed before I’d seen the similar one upthread with the flag 
Posted this in another joke thread once before, but it’s my favorite:
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The man says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the man. “He eats everything in sight, but don’t worry about it, I’ll pay for whatever he eats.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later the man returns and again he has the monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“Now what?” asks the man.
“He just stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the man, “ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
A piece of string enters a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender kicks the string out of the bar bellowing that he doesn’t serve their kind.
Once on the street, the undaunted string contorts itself into a fatastical shape and unravels its end slightly. The string then re-enters the bar and confidently goes up to the bartender and orders a beer.
The bartender eyes it suspicously and asks, “Aren’t you that string I just threw out of here?”
The string replies, “No, I’m afraid not.”