Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says “can I get you a drink?”
Descartes responds “I think not” and disappears.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I’ll have a pint of
Well, since Tio Gringo stole my favorite one…
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender.”
The bartender follows the man’s order and says, “That will be $42.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk’s instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, “What, no drink for me?”
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
AND
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” "Oh man, " the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a chihuahua?!?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A man walks into a bar with ten beautiful women. He shouts “Drinks are on me for the rest of the night!” Everyone cheers. Then a little man, one foot tall, jumps out of the man’s pocket and on to the bar. He insults the other guests, kicks their drinks over, and pees in the nut bowl.
The bartender asks the man what this is all about. The man says "Oh, I was walking on a beach when I found a lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie came out and granted me three wishes. I wished for a million dollars, ten beautiful women, and a twelve inch prick.
A man walks into a bar.
At least that’s what the defendant said.
Joe walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few minutes, another guy taps him on the shoulder and says “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” Joe says “No, why should I?” The guy says “Everyone knows who I am. Hey everybody, who am I?” All of the people in the bar shout “Levine! Levine! Yay!”
Joe says “Yeah, everyone here knows you. But what about at a bar on the other side of town? They won’t know you there.” “Of course they will. Everyone knows who I am”, says Levine. Joes says “Oh yeah? Prove it!”
So they take a cab to the other side of town and go into another bar. As soon as they walk in everyone shouts “Levine! Hey, Levine’s here!”
Joe says “I bet the governor doesn’t know you.” Levine insists that he does. So they go to the governor’s mansion and knock on the door. The governor opens it and says “Hey, Levine, what’s up, buddy?”
Joe is flabbergasted. “I bet that the President doesn’t know you.” Soon they’re on a plane to Washington DC. They arrive at the White House. A staffer greets them at the door and says “Ah, Mr. Levine, the President was just talking about you. Come on in!”
Joe has had enough of this. He’s as mad as a forgotten gorilla. “Well, I bet that the Pope doesn’t know you!”
So they fly to Vatican City. When they get to the Vatican, Levine says “The Pope won’t see just anyone. So I’ll go up there alone and get him to walk out on the balcony with me. When you see us walking around up there, you’ll know that the Pope knows me.”
“Yeah, whatever”, says Joe.
A few minutes later Levine is on the balcony with the Pope. He looks down and sees Joe passed out on the ground. He runs down and tries to revive Joe. “Joe! Joe! What happened?”
Joe wakes up and says “I was just standing here, watching you and the Pope walking around the balcony, when a nun came up to me and said ‘Hey, who’s that up there with Levine?’”
A three legged dog walks into a bar. He jumps up on a table and yells “I’m lookin for the man who shot my paw!”
A man on a business trip walks into a pub in Scotland. He’s standing at the bar nursing a pint when an old Scotsman walks in. The Scotsman sees the newcomer and immediately starts hobbling and moaning, holding his back. In pained agony, he stands next to the foreigner and groans.
The businessman says, “Are you OK, sir?”
The Scotsman looks at him through a sorrowful eye and groans, “Och, laddie … I’ve got Yoors.”
The businessman says, “What’s Yoors?”
The Scotsman brightens visibly and says, “A dram of whisky, thank ye, kind sir!”
F(x) walks into a bar. The bar tender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve functions.”
An [ethnic group of your choice] walks into a bar with a pig.
The bartender says “Where did you get him?”
The pig says “I won him in a raffle.”
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he’ll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he’s filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he’s got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar… the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag… pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,“wow, he sure can play the piano, where’d you get him?” The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “Here, go ahead, rub it…” So the bartender says, “Is there a real genie in there?” and the guy says, “Yes, just rub it and see.”
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp… and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, “I will grant you one wish, and one wish only.” So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, “Okay, I’d like a million bucks.” The genie disappears… and they’re both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears… and another, and another… and it continues. The bartender looks at the guy and says, “I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks.” And the man says, “Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There’s no way that could happen. “No, its true,” the first man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, why not.” the second guy says, “It works. I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, “You know Superman, turn into a real dick when you’re drunk”.
Is the punch line missing here on purpose? 
F’(x) walks into a bar. The bar tender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve functions.”
…which is known as “derivative humour”.
A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve viruses here”. The virus replaces the bartender and says “Now we do”.
An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve infectious diseases here”. The infectious diseae says “Well, you’re not a very good host”.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve bacteria here”. The bacteria say “But we work here - we’re staph”.
A room temperature superconducter walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve here any superconducters here”. The room temperature superconducter leaves without putting up any resistance.
An infrared photon walks into a bar and says “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”.
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve neutrinos here”. The Neutrino says “Hey, I was just passing through”.
Schroedingers Cat walks into a bar … and doesn’t.
From Brian Malow, Science Comedian.
Variation number 1
A Polish woman walks into a bar with a swine under her arm. The bartender says “Where did you get the pig?” The swine answers “Her? Won her in a raffle”.
Two Irishmen walk past a bar ------ Hey! It could happen!!!
Two Scots walk past a bar ------ the sheep were on the far side.
A city lady walks into a western bar. After a few drinks the lady says “I’ve just moved to town and I may be here regular - any advice you can give me on the local customs and habits?” The bartender things a moment and says “yeah ----- if Injun Joe offers you a chance on and Indian blanket, there ain’t no raffle involved”.
A bear walks into a bar and gets punched by a gorilla. “I’ll teach you to steal my fucking beer” he said.
A cowboy returns to the bar from the outhouse and notices that his horse’s balls are painted blue. Furious, he charges into the bar and shouts: “Who the fuck is the dirty bastard that painted my horse’s balls blue!!?” A very large, muscular hombre with two sixguns and shotgun turns from his place at the bar and says “I did. What of it?” “Well, the first coat is dry, sir.”
A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot walk into a pub. They each order a pint. By pure chance, three flys buzz by and land in their pints. The Brit looks disgusted and pushes his beer away. The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer and keeps drinking. The Scot picks the fly out of his beer and starts hitting it on the back and says “Spit it oot! Spit it oot!”
A gringo walks into a bar in Tijuana. He sees an upended five-gallon water bottle beind the bar and it is positively stuffed with twenty-dollars bills. There’s got to be thousands of dollars in it. “What’s up with the bottle full of money?”, he asks. The bartender explains that it is a “challenge bottle” and that if he can complete the challenge he wins the money. There is a $20 entry fee, of course.
“What’s the challenge?”, asks the gringo.
The battender places places a dusty bottle of tequila on the bars and says, “First, you have drink this staight down. No coughing, spitting or crying.”
“That’s it? I’m sure I can do it”, says the American.
“No. That’s not it. Next, you have to out the back door over there. You’ll find a mean old pit bull with a rotten tooth. Yank that tooth and bring it back in here”, explains the bartender.
His confidence ebbing a bit, the American asks, “What else?”
The bartender finishes, “There’s a seventy year old hooker upstairs and she hasn’t been satisfied in more than twenty-five years, if you know what I mean. Drink the tequila, yank the tooth, make her cum and the money’s yours”.
With the other patrons laughing and realizing that he he’s in over his head, the gringo declines and orders a Dos Equis. Then another. And another. After a few hours of this he reaches into his pocket removes a $20 bill and slams it on the bar. “I’m in, damnit !”.
The bartender gives him the bottle and, to everyones suprises, he chugs it right down. “Now, where’s that damn mutt?”, he yells. The bartender points to the door and the American staggers out through the door. The next things that are heard are growling, barking, snarling, cussing and a general tumult followed by the “Owoooooooooooo!” of the dog.
The man, clothes torn half-off, stumbles into the now-quiet bar and says, “Which way to the whore with the bad tooth?!”