A man walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner with a crowd around it. He walks over and the horse’s owner has a hat full of money and a sign that says

The guy drops a ten in the hat, then walks over and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse immediately starts laughing and the guy wins the money.

The next night, he comes back in and the horse is still there, but the sign now reads

He drops a ten in the hat and asks the owner if he can take the horse into the back room for about 30 seconds. The owner agrees, the guy takes the horse back and when he comes out, the horse is sobbing. The guy wins the money again.

The owner says, “Man, I gotta know. How did you make the horse laugh last night and cry tonight?”

The guy says, “Last night I told him my dick was longer than his. Tonight I showed him that it really is.”

So this guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender if the bar has a dart board.

“Yes” replies the bartender.

“Gimme’ some darts” the man demands.

Now, at this point, I should mention that the man has drunk about 3/4 of a bottle of fine scotch, so he’s gassed.

He shakingly takes the darts and Zip! Zip! Zip! three bullseyes!

“Now gimme’ my prize” the man slurs.

Now the bartender was flummoxed, he was not planning on prizes. So he looks around the bar and his eyes alight on an eastern box turtle. It’s still sitting in the container from the pet store that he visited this very afternoon. Thinking to himself “I’ll go to the pet store again tomorrow, the kids won’t know I already picked up their friggin’ turtle, I’ll get them another.”

“Here ya’ go pal.” He says, handing the turtle in it’s containor to the man, who staggers on home.

About 1 month later, this very same man walks into the very same bar. he says “Remember me?”

“Nope.” the bartender replies.

“I’m the dart champion.”

“Oh, yeah, that was pretty neat.”

“If I do it again, will you give me another prize?”

“I dunno, what did I give you last time?”

“You gave me the roast beef on a hard roll.”

“What’s with the big pause?” :smiley:

Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.

A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
The bartender says, “I can’t hear you, you’re going to need to speak up”
The pony says, “Bartender, may I please have a drink?”
The bartender says, “look buddy, if you don’t speak up I can’t serve you.”
The pony says, “sorry, I’m just a little hoarse”.
A man with no arms walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you”
“Why not?” asks the man.
The bartender says, “because you can’t hold your liquor”

A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “what will it be?”
The seal says, “anything but a Canadian Club”

A brick.

Two turds walk into a bar, the barman says “Sorry I can’t serve you”
“Why not?” asks the first turd.
The barman says “Well you’re ok, but you mate is steaming”

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “bet you $20 I can bite my eyebrow.” Well nobody can bite their eyebrow so the bartender says you’re on. So the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his eyebrow.

Then he says “I bet you double or nothing I can lick my eyeball.” Nobody can lick their eyeball so the bartender says you’re on. The guy takes out his glass eye and licks it.

Now the patron says “I bet you $100 if you take that empty beer mug over there and slide it across the bar, I can stand up and pee in it and fill it all the way up.” The bartender says you’re on so they try it and the man completely misses and gets the bar soaking wet. The bartender says I guess you owe me now. Then another guy storms in, slams down a bunch of money, and storms out. “What was that all about” the bartender asks. "Oh I just bet him $1000 I could piss all over your bar and you’d be happy about it.

To paraphrase Dave Allen:
A Brit, an Arab, and a Rabbi walk into a pub. They each order a pint when a huge horse fly starts buzzing around them. The Brit looks disgusted and swats around at the fly. The fly then buzzes around the Arab who promptly snatches him out of the air and gobbles him down, spits out the wings, takes a swig and burps. A second fly, even larger, starts buzzing the same table and as the Arab started giving it the eye, with hands as fast as lightning the Rabbi snatches it and holds it in his closed hand. He then leans forward to the Arab and says “Want to buy a snack?”

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up Panda and he reads “Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Candle Jack walks into

The Hypno-Toad walks iALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-TOAD.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a delivery truck and roll into a bar.


I’m not finished!

Honestly, every time I tell this joke someone always interrupts. Sometimes after mere days.

A horse walks into a Parisian bistro. The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food.”

A young man walks into a bar. He sees that the place is empty excpet for an old man sitting at the bar. He sits down and orders a pint. After a few minutes the old man leans over to him and says “Sonny, do you see this bar here? I built it with me own hands. Carved every piece for my countrymen to enjoy. But do they call me Angus the Barbuilder? No.” The old man goes back to his drink. A few minutes later he leans over again. “Sonny, do you see that wall out there? Built it myself. Moved every stone by hand. Do they call me Angus the Wall Builder? No.” The old man goes back to his drink. After minutes later he leans over again. "Sonny do you see that Pier out there? Built it myself. Moved every timber by myself. Do they call me Angus the Pier Builder? No…

But you fuck one goat!"

Two atoms are drinking in a bar. After they pay the tab and about to leave, one says “I think I lost an electron.” The other said “Are you sure?” The other says “I’m positive!”

2 men are in a bar.

One says “I’m an atheist.”

“Are you sure?”

“Swear to God!”

An Irishman, a Greek and a German walk into a bar. The German pays.

Daniel Boone walks into a bar.

Then he kills it.