A Metronome is a Cruel Heartless Sadistic Demonic Beast with Sharp Teeth!

The BBQ Pit
1

I have been playing guitar since highschool. I have never gotten beyond “competent” but I mostly just play for my own enjoyment and have never set any high goals for myself in terms of proficiency.

As far as playing in front of an audience is concerned, all the performing I do is in a comedy setting. I do funny “novelty” songs so the humor is what’s important, my musicianship is never called into question.

So, now, after 15 years playing music, I am working with a metronome for the first time in my life and I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

I will be recording in May and I will be working with a wonderful producer who I love. I am very excited about the work that will come of this collaboration. We had a meeting recently and she told me that if this album is to have her name on it it will have to meet her standards of excellence. She told me that my rhythm guitar tracks will have to be much more solid than what she has heard from me. She told me to buy a metronome and to practice with it.

Don’t get me wrong. This is by NO MEANS a pitting of the producer. I love her and understand her point. I am happy to be working with someone who has such high standards. She is going to have my album sounding awesome.

But I have been working with the metronome and . . . I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

You may think that a metronome is an inanimate object, but you’re wrong. A metronome is a cruel, heartless, sadistic demonic beast that tears out your heart with its teeth. It stomps upon your soul. It taunts you with name calling. It chants (in perfect time) “wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong” and “worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless” and “hack hack hack hack hack hack hack hack”.

I hate my metronome!!!

Fuck my metronome! Fuck all metronomes! Fuck them I say! Fuck all miserable fucking cruel heartless metronomes!

Now, if anyone wants to offer any MPISMS or IMHO or Cafe Society style advice, such advice would be appreciated, but I am in the Pit because I need to shout as loudly as possible

Fuck My Metronome!!!

2

Got no rhythm, huh? :slight_smile:

3

Not with those sharp teeth, I won’t!

4

No thank you, my timing isn’t good enough to give her any pleasure.

5

“What good’s a metronome
Without a bell for ringing?
How else can anybody ever tell he’s swinging?
How can you tell the rhythm written on the bar?
How can you ever hope to know just where you are?
Gimme Dat, (Gimme Dat) Ah Gimme Dat (Gimme Dat)
Ah Gimme Dat, (Gimme Dat) Gimme Dat, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme,
(Ah Gotcha!)
Gimme Dat, Gimme Dat
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme Dat
Gimme Dat Ding, Gimme Dat
Gimme, Gimme Dat, Gimme Dat Ding
Gimme Dat, Gimme, Gimme Dat,
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Dat Ding.”*
Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick

*From a lost classic by The Pipkins

6

I was under the impression that a Metro Gnome was a close relative of a Troll, living in the subbasements and crawlspaces beneath Montreal, preying on the unwary traveler thinking only of his subway ride home.

7

Oh, Lordy, I hate metronomes, so I’m with you. Dear Og, during violin lessons, I hate it when my teacher uses the metronome with me because I never learned how to play with them!! I just play and I end up looking really stupid because I don’t know how to play with the stupid little…thing.

8

I’m sorry, I never place my tallywhacker inside something with metal moving parts…

9

On a more serious note, I don’t see what the big fuss is over the metronome. I use it often when playing bass or drums at home. Anything that makes me better is good.

Have you considered using a drum machine? Maybe you could deal with a repetitive drum beat more easily than the clicking of the metronome.

10

It gets easier, the more you do it. Try to internalize the beat that you are hearing and relax. If necessary, just play simple chords with it for a while and get the hang of it. It sucks at first, I know, but it will improve your playing and your understanding of rhythm. Good luck to you!

11

Thank you for making me remember that. I shall now proceed to slit my wrists. :wally

12

On a more serious note, I don’t see what the big fuss is over the metronome. I use it often when playing bass or drums at home. Anything that makes me better is good.

Have you considered using a drum machine? Maybe you could deal with a repetitive drum beat more easily than the clicking of the metronome.

13

I got myself one of these so that not only can I have something keep time for me, I can be yelled at by a somewhat angry sounding woman.

(Seriously, the voice setting can be great for knowing exactly where you are in a measure if you’re practicing complex rhythms or something like that. Plus the built-in tuner is nice for timpani.)

14

My high school band teacher had a metronome with a setting where instead of clicking or beeping, you could set it to play a recording of a cheery woman’s voice saying “one, two three, four, one, two…”. It was creepy, though cranking up the speed was very amusing on that mode.

15

Most likely the DB88 listed above. But I’ve never found anything cheery about the voice.

What was really bad was when the band director decided the band couldn’t keep in time without putting the metronome through a giant set of speakers. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

16

This is great advice - I’ve used a metronome for as long as I can remember, but a drum machine is just as exact, time-wise, and easier to listen to. No tock-tock-tock-tock incessantly drilling into your head.

Keep in mind that if you can’t keep up with the metronome (or drum machine), you’ve probably got it set too fast. Slow down a bit and let your fingers gain “muscle memory”, then start speeding up.

17

The pianos in our AP Music Theory room have metronomes with various different voices and speeds, and we used to set it to Japanes and one of the highest speeds, so it sounded like: IchNiSanJi IchNiSanJi IchNiSanJi IchNiSanJi IchNiSanJi IchNiSanJi!

18

The engineer/producer of my second CD made me play with a click track. I knew I would hate it, since I hate playing along with recorded music. He said “Sometimes it takes a while for people to get comfortable with a click”, but I nailed it on the second take. I’m not trying to brag BTW, just extoling the virtues of a click.

I’m a drummer, most people assume that we’d love a click (metronome), however many, if not most, dislike them.
(Watch Tre Cool from Green Day the next time they play “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”, he’s a slave to it)

We use them to a bit more perfect, as should serious recording musicians. As a musician, being in time should almost be something you could teach a clock, not the other way around. But that’s the pinnacle of time keeping.

Try just listening to a click and instead of playing, just subdivide. Count 1,2,3,4, then count 1&,2&,3&,4&, then count 16th notes. 1e&a, 2e&a,3e&a,4e&a. If you can, mix up which beats you count/play at random.

At the least, listen to the metro and try to think of the strangest possible pattern that still fits in time, then vary it.

These tips are the best I can think of right now. Since this is the Pit though, quit fucking whining and learn to play as in time as a metronome! If you think this is tough, go to a middle school, I guarantee you will find a kid who can play along with a metronome. Do it for yourself. Then do it for your potential fans.

19

Aaargh, yes, I remember that frustration well. 11 years of violin lessons.

I’ve found it can be helpful if you start learning a piece along with a metronome. But if you already know the music, and you’ve got your own ‘vibe’ to it, then damn, it’s annoying as hell.

Best of luck to you, man.

Oh - suggestion. There are a ton of differnet metronomes out there. My violin teacher had about six, including my favorite: a (horridly expensive) pendulum-style one. I found that ‘click’ and the movement of the thing the easiest to work with. THe modern more electronic-sounding red-light-blipping ones drive me batshit.

Ah - this is almost exactly like the one I remember so fondly. Looks like you can get a decent one in that style for about $40.00

20

Practicing with a metronome can be frustrating. Liken it, if you will, to working out with weights. Productive work causes discomfort. If you accept your frustration as the cost of improvement, you’ll be on the right track.

For extra frustration/extra reward, try thinking of the metronome’s pulses as 2 and 4 instead of 1 and 3. This will help you in playing with a drummer immeasurably. No pun intended.