A New Mini-rant Thread (the other one is gettin' kinda long ...)

The BBQ Pit
1

In trying to keep with the true spirit of the ‘Mini-rant’, I will be breaking my rants into three posts this morning. Here is the first:

Under the Heading of “You Have Got To Be Kidding Me”:

Yesterday, I needed make a quick stop at the store to pick up a gallon of milk for Mama. It was 5:00 am when I pulled into the convenience store and parked in one of the eleven open spaces. There are no vehicles parked in any of the 6 spaces to the left. There were no vehicles parked in any of the 4 spaces to the right. I enter the store and purchase the one item I came for. As I’m walking out of the store I hold the door for a (somewhat sleezy) young (twenty-ish) lady(?) who is on her way in. I take two more steps and freeze. There is now a car parked next to mine, but, there seems to be a slight problem here, though.

Hmmmmm.

I double check the lines on the pavement. Yup, my vehicle is centered between the lines. There are still 5 empty spaces to the left of this new vehicle. I can not see any reason for her to park so close to my vehicle, yet there it is - less than 4 inches between my car and hers. There is no physical way for me to get into my vehicle.

So I wait.

Patiently.

May as well smoke a cigarette.

(It should be noted here that I am rarely this patient …)

After an additional 5 minutes, I re-enter the store and find that she is conversing with her friend, the clerk.

So, I ask, politely, “Excuse me, could you please move your car so that I may leave”.

She responds thusly: “Well! I never! Can’t you see we’re talking here? I’ll move my car when I get good and ready! I mean, really, how rude can you get?!?!”

I proceeded to demonstrate just how rude I ‘really’ can get.

(The very understanding police officer stopped short of arresting me for disturbing the peace. Still had to wait a while longer while he impounded and towed her car for expired plates and registration. He also arrested her on an outstanding warrant.)

Oh, and Dearie? Here are a couple of additional thoughts that the police officer would not allow me the time to convey to you:

I initially thought that you were an (somewhat sleezy) gibbering idiot. Now, I have a much lower opinion of you. You are a unspeakably rude, monstrously ill-mannered, reprehensible, enema-addicted plague upon humanity. The world’s most stooopid mucus-eating, lobotomized psychiatric out-patient has more common sense than you do. You lack even the dim flicker of sentience needed to qualify as a imbecile. Furthermore, I hope that warrant is a ‘no bail’ or a ‘$1,000,000 cash only warrant’, because the thing that terrifies me the most is that members of my family might be out here using the same road as you.

Lucy

2

Continuing Under the Heading of “You Have Got To Be Kidding Me”:

At the Grocery Store this morning: A mother with her young children, a boy and girl. Boy throws a fit 'cause he wants to ride in the blue SUV shopping cart. Not the red one. Or the green one. Or the yellow one. He wants the blue one.

Mom: “Just a minute sweetheart. Mommy has to move this out of the way.”

Kid screams “No! I want the blue one!!!”

Mom: “Just a minute sweetheart. Mommy has to move this one out of the way, too.”

Kid starts jumping up and down, screaming: “No! No! No! I want the blue one!!!”

As mom pulls the yellow one out, the kid falls down on the floor screaming and kicking and beating his little fists on the floor. “No! No! No! I want the blue one!!! I want the blue one!!!”

Classic temper tantrum for a 3 year old. Except …

The kid is obviously closer to 5 years old. His approximately 3 year old sister is watching (and learning) quietly. Mom finally gets the blue one out and the kid quiets down gets in.

Mom: “There. That wasn’t so bad, was it? That’s a good boy …” :dubious:

Betcha he’s gonna be a real joy when he gets into his teens.

And to “Mommy”: You really need to wake up the dozy peg-legged hamster operating that wheel-powered brain of yours. Seriously, have you never heard of the concept of discipline? You are so ignorant that the elephants at the zoo throw you peanuts. You deserve everything this kid is going to put you through in the next 30 years. I’ll be watching the evening news every day with great anticipation. I’m certain that the world will learn about your children there first. I’m also certain that you’ll be so proud that you will blame “the schools for letting him turn out that way”.

Oh, and one other thing. Could you please put all of those Big Foot Wannabe SUV Shopping Carts back where you found them? I’d like to be able to get a regular shopping cart so I can get what I came for.*

Lucy.

*Among other things, a gallon of milk. The one I bought yesterday spoiled for some reason. Might be 'cause I was having so much fun that I forgot I had it and left it on the back seat.

3

This is a mini-rant? :slight_smile:

I don’t like artificial cherry flavor, except in Tootsie-pops.

Birds wake up too early, the little bastards.

4

To (Some of) My Fellow Members of the 'Dope:

Could someone please tell me how in the fuck you pronounce this word:

F*ck

Or any of these:
[ul]
[li]Sht[/li][li]C#nt[/li][li]Gd[/li][li]D@mn[/li][li]A$$[/li][/ul]

Or any of the many god damn shitty silly-ass variations on the theme?

Look … If you are substituting because you find the word offensive or believe that someone might might think less of you if you actually use a (Og Help Us) profane word - you are only fooling yourself. We all know that you’re thinking it, we all know that you have it stored there in your brain. You are not fooling anyone into believing that you are soooo goood that using those kinds of words is beneath you. Come on - Wake Up - You are demonstrating that you know what the word is, and how to use it, and even how to spell it properly (how else would you know where to put the asterisk?).

If you are substituting because you’re afraid you might offend someone else, all you are doing is forcing that person to stop and put the letters in for you. It’s automatic - they can’t help but do it. If I were offended by such language I would still find it fucking offensive - more so, in fact, because you are forcing me to fucking spell it out for your lazy pious pompous ass!

Same thing goes if you are substituting because you are posting in a forum where profanity is discouraged.

Please, understand this: I fully agree that the use of profanity is not necessary to get your point across, or to vent those frustrating emotions (see my two earlier posts). So, either use the fucking word, or don’t use the god damn word. Or use a Belgian word. Or French. Or Polynesian. Maybe even get a little creative and make up a shitty little word that’s all your own. Either that or find another way to express what you’re feeling.

Just stop trying to trip my brain by placing @#%$&! characters where the gd d@mn vw#ls belong. It is incredibly annoying and unspeakably rude.

Thank you.

Shnorking Phluckwits.

Lucy.

5

And finally, I pit myself.

None of the above rants truly qualify as ‘mini’ rants.

I truly can be a Fuckwit sometimes.

Such is life. Deal with it.

Lucy.

6

My company moved offices today and the building we moved into is only half finished, construction on the other half continues all day long. One house down the street from my house there is construction on a massive scale putting up a new building for the university. So I have loud construction noise and trucks blocking my way at home and at work, aka all the live long day. Minor irritation the first.

Friday we got notice that the water would be shut off some time between 8 am and 5 pm today. No problem, I just woke up a little early for my shower and made sure my toothbrush cup was filled with water before 8:00. We can’t leave the dishwasher or laundry going but it’s not a big deal. Minor irritation the second.

I went to Panchero’s for their crack, I mean burrito, for lunch. I always tell myself to wait until I get home before I eat it, but I never listen to myself. Unfortunately, the trainee burrito maker didn’t wrap it very well, and while gorging myself on said burrito on said drive home the damn thing emptied itself onto my shirt. Minor irritation the third.

These three irritations combined their forces, like the Planeteers combine their forces to create Captain Planet, into my minor rant. There was no water to delicately spot treat my shirt and I have to go back to work in a different one. Darn it to heck.

7

Birds? Hell, try living next door to 4 roosters.

Lucy

(Good catch on the mini part, BTW. I was hoping to sneak the other posts in before I got caught … :smack: )

8

I don’t have any problem with the rant in general, but it’s worth noting that many (most?) observant Jews do not say or spell the name of the Lord, or even His alias, and therefore will type “G-d” rather than “God.” If you are seriously offended by this convention, g*t *ver it.

For me: I’m not sure this is a tiny rant. I think it may be more of a medium-sized rant.

To my neighbor: When I have confided in your my medical issues and the fact that doctors seem to be having difficulty determining what is causing my symptoms, I don’t appreciate you inviting me over to spring on me your “psychic” friend who “specializes in medical diagnoses” through her “channeler” and who you just know is going to be able to figure out my problems when those pesky scientific doctors can’t. For a fee, of course. This made for a conversation that was for me very uncomfortable, though I was both polite and noncommittal. If you knew me better, you would know that (a) I’m not 100% certain that “psychic phenomena” are consistent with my religion, liberal Christian though I am, and (b) more importantly, I think psychic stuff is a load of horseshit anyway. But you don’t know me that well, which makes it pretty presumptuous for you to confront me with an offer of “help” I neither asked for nor wanted.

I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. Damn, the South is a strange place sometimes.

9

“help” that you were supposed to pay for??

wow. I could see maybe giving you a business card “they might be able to help you”. but to set up a meet?? eke. yuck.

10

I am sick to death of Russian MILF porn.

I go to link list sites that promise hot mature MILFs and the majority of that shit is goddamn Russian MILF porn. The women are all so fuckin dumpy looking. You can tell they’re forty but look sixty. You’d think just by the law of average one hot Russian MILF would be able to sneak through, but one never does. They all have this bored “can I have money now?” look. All of the photographs have this yucky yellow tinge to them. God forbid you try to arouse or something.

I fear this is giving me an unhealthy image of women. There just aren’t any good-looking older European women who like to fuck on camera. Oh NOES!

11

She had offered to put me in touch with the friend, and I had been pretty noncommittal since telling someone you personally think their friend’s life work is bullshit seemed rude. But then the friend came to visit her for the weekend. I was out walking my dogs and Neighbor saw me from the screened-in porch and called me over because “I have someone I’d like you to meet.” I put my dogs in the house and went over.

Here she is! Isn’t this great! She’s amazing! She’ll be able to help you! You should set up a reading!

Then the friend told me all about her Channel (an old dead guy, natch), and the many times she’s saved people’s lives by psychically diagnosing them, and the three times she’s been in the National Enquirer, and the reasonableness of her rates (several hundred dollars, I believe) in light of the service she provides.

There was a lot of smiling and nodding and “ohs” and “ahs” on my part, but I really felt like I was put in the position of having to appear to respect something I completely do not, or be rude to my neighbor’s guest. It was probably the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever had.

12

How’s this for a micro-mini rant?

I hate the idiotic phrase “Oh noes”. In fact, I hate it so much that I had a dream about posting a Pit thread about how much I fucking hate it.

13

I got run off the road on the turnpike yesterday.
I-75 turns into “the turnpike” for a good stretch, which means that it has 1) toll booths and 2) rest/service stations that have more than a bathroom and a vending machine. I stopped at the WPB service station to get some water and then attempted to get back on the turnpike from the service station. As soon as I get into an area where I can merge, I turn on my signal so people know I’m trying to merge. There was a minivan that kept its nose just in front of my back bumper so I couldn’t pass, no matter how fast I accelerated, and then sped past me just as the merge lane ended. I ended up driving in the emergency lane until she finished passing.

Dear minivan driver,

Fuck you. You could have caused a major accident with your selfish behavior. Either speed up to pass someone merging BEFORE they run out of merge lane, or slow down so they can get in. Being a twat and keeping them in the merge lane is rude, selfish, and dangerous for you and the other driver. I hope someone teaches you someday that what you did with me is not only NOT OKAY, but is dangerous.

No love,

Nashiitashii
Dear future MIL,

Despite how much my fiance likes my mom, we don’t need her to visit all the time. I’m sure that she won’t be interested in visiting more than once every six months, as dropping by your kid’s house all the time is annoying and a little obsessive, IMO. You mention it again and I will be very subtle with my reply in mentioning that one does not want to see their MIL all the freakin’ time. Your kids have grown up, and it’s not like we’re more than an hour away; please do not turn into the crazy lady who insists on stopping by all the time even when it’s unwarranted and unwelcome.

Don’t be so weird about us moving in,

Nashiitashii

PS: Being both a Nervous Nellie and a Negative Nag is not going to make either of us like you any better. Stop bitching about us spending money on moving in and gasp! choosing to purchase a little bit of furniture before we get married. Your little boy has grown up and you’re going to have to just deal with it. Stop telling him that you think he’s going to fail miserably, and quit fucking bringing up grad school. You didn’t do anything with your master’s, so why don’t you consider it enough education for the both of you.

14

How about the passenger side door?

15

(Bolding Mine)

I’d be happy to volunteer, Nashii!

Hit the ass end of that minivan with a purple paint ball and send 'em over here … I’ll use my 105,000 lb. big rig (super tanker) as an educational tool to instruct that ‘tool’ about merging manners … (ThumpThump) :smiley:

Lucy

16

To food service employees who get a boot out of remembering what their regular and semi-regular customers eat and drink:

This is nice. In the right context it means you are attentive to your clientele. It can also be taken too far - for instance, if you place a soup cup in front of me and then pout if I don’t want soup that day. At the Subway I eat at 2-3 times a week, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t start piling my “regular” condiments on the sandwich without asking, as I do in fact vary them. I will get a cookie there once in awhile, which does not mean you should ask me if I want a cookie and when told no, become aggrieved and say “You’d have asked for a cookie if I hadn’t mentioned it!”

If there is some kind of internal Subway memo circulating that suggests that employees do this sort of thing - you should know that some people actually avoid our local Subway because of this weird behavior.

Thanks, I feel the same way. It just seems fingernails-on-a-blackboard gratingly annoying, in a mini-rant sort of way.

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Aside from certain physical limitations concerning the interior design of a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and certain physical limitations concerning a crochety old fart like myself, there is a certain principle (principal? Damnation, never can keep those to straight!) involved.

And get off my lawn, wouldya? (Smart-assed young whippersnapper!) :smiley:

Lucy

Edited to add my 1,000 ballet box stuffing votes on the ohnoes …

18

I can’t stand those, generally, tech items that are packaged in those plastic tombs. You know, it is esssentially two pieces of formed plastic encasing the item and a piece of cardboard and you need a knife and a lot of caution as you try and rip these open. I understand why, I think, it makes it much harder to steal, but there must be a better way.

19

Pull the fuck over. If you are being stopped by a police officer for a traffic offense, do not fucking stop in the right (or left) lane of a multi-lane road with no shoulder. Pull into the nearest parking lot and explain to the cop why it took you so long to get there. Beleive me, they don’t take kindly to having to stand 4 feet from traffic moving at 40+mph. You are NOT going to catch a break if you do this.

I say this as someone who has been both rightly and wrongly stopped for traffic offenses. I don’t hold any particular love for the police, but I don’t necessarily want them to have to risk their lives when they don’t have to, and I for sure don’t want everyone on the road pissed off at me because I just blocked 50% of the roadway with my dumb ass.

20

I am seeing a growing trend of having tip jars placed everywhere in the most bizarre of places I frequent. I am all in favor of tipping, and do so for a waiter / waitress, quite generously. I understand quite clearly that the tips are part of their pay.

But my goodness, kid! Do I have to tip you to freakin’ make a sandwich? Isn’t that exactly what you are already getting paid for? Why do you need me to throw more money down for an already overpriced item? And the placement of the tip jar right next to the cash register, with your obvious glances at it are not subtle. Nor was the glowering look when I didn’t leave behind any of my change. You didn’t exactly do anything extra for me when you made that sandwich, so why should I pay you more than what the price says it should be?

Oh, yes, but you are a poor kid who only gets paid $8 an hour and I must have lots of money because, after all, I am buying a sandwich; so, having gobs of unused cash in my hand when I get change, I should contribute to your pocket money. Honestly, kid, I don’t blame you too much for this, except for your entitled attitude. The person I really pit is the store manager, who allowed that obnoxious, glaringly obvious, neon green alien head with the ‘TIPS’ sign written in second grade penmanship to show up in front of the cash register. Mr. Manager, if you aren’t paying your workers enough to keep them happy without begging from the customers, you need to be reported. This just drives off the customers. I know it did for me.