A newbie enters The Pit

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Scene: The BBQ Pit. The interior is a bar setting, but the walls are made of flames that reach the sky. The bar’s inhabitants are covered in full body armor made of the skins of former posters who didn’t quite survive the Pit experience. Protruding from these skins at all angles are foot-long steel spikes.

A Newbie enters the Pit and looks around nervously. Some inhabitants are sitting at the bar, drinking another newbie’s blood and grinning mischievously. Others are sitting at tables, playing gin rummy (and each inhabitant has several aces attached to his or her spikes in various places).

The Newbie bellies up to the bar. He casts a furtive glance over his shoulder and notices the inhabitants smirking malevolently, waiting for the opportunity to pounce.

Newbie: May I have a glass of milk, please? Whole, not low-fat.

Lynn Bodoni: (behind the bar) I’m sorry, we don’t serve milk in here. Please read the rules before posting to this forum. And wipe your shoes before you enter the forum, too! That stuff’s deep enough as it is without you dragging in more!

Newbie: I…uh…was just wondering about why you guys are so mean in here… It’s ok, I’ll just wander off to GQ… (looks around nervously) Hehe… How bout those Giants, huh?

[An inhabitant turns on his stool to talk to the Newbie.]

Inhab.: What do you think, evolutionism or creationism?

[Another inhabitant appears on the other side of the Newbie.]

Inhab. 2: What about birth control? Wrap that rascal or not?

[A third inhabitant comes up from behind the Newbie and places his hands on the Newbie’s shoulders.]

Inhab. 3: We don’t like seeing newbies around here! You better back up your words with relevant cites, or you’re toast!

Newbie: (feeling the heat, literally) Um… Birth control! Is! Murder! … No, wait… Capitalization is murder! And I now have a desire to poop on you sneakily! I… no, wait…I came in here for something else!

Inhabs. 1,2,3: What’s that?

Newbie: I’m celebrating my 10th post! Drinks are all on me!

<Curtain amid raucous laughter!>

[:smiley: I was bored!]

Please feel free to continue this lovely, lovely groundbreaking smash hit if you wish!

2

Newbie tears off his street clothes to reveal–BibleMan!

Quickly witnessing to all the Inhabitants with his patented Dallas Theological Seminary Retroactive Scripture-Izer, BibleMan soon has them groveling at his feet, begging him for forgiveness and asking him to baptize them.

The Pit shuts down for lack of business.

Hey, it could happen…

3

Not clear what this means (found it in a search) but this looks too clever to let lie there now that I found it.

4

After a few drinks, the newbie begins to open up a little. A few more, and he becomes emboldened. Suddenly, he lashes out.

newbie: Oh, I know very well what’s going on here. I lurked all day before signing on, and I know how you operate. Nice little clique you got here, and the mods have their favourites. You call people you don’t even know all kinds of names, you morons. Because you’re stupid. I have a lot of good ideas on how to improve this board, but no one will listen because I’m not with the “in” crowd. I asked where I could find warez and crack porno sites, and guess what? Just because I don’t go to your dopefests and get drunk, doesn’t mean…and anyway, I wasn’t even invited! Hey, this is my twelfth post! Party time!

5

Heh.

I thought this was something new.

Hangs head in shame. I’m still a newbie.

6

You will always remain a newbie until you’ve been in THE PIT long enough to get yourself a new one ripped. We’ve all been there, had it done, got the tee shirt and washed the car with it. Welcome to the board, but be careful, be very careful.

7

jarbabyj slips in with a string of insults that are simultaneously biting, hilarious, and very, very arousing. Mad flirting ensues.

8

Or said Newbie gets in to a pissing match with John John and one of his sock puppets as if they are two different people! Not that I know from experience or anything. I’m a :wally

9

Newbie loudly proclaims: “Everything would be all right if I still had my foreskin!” Half the inhabitants dive for cover as chaos ensues. Three hours later, Governor John Corrado activates the National Guard to restore civil order.

10

Wait a minute…I’ve got 1200 posts, and I STILL haven’t been ripped in THE PIT. It’s actually one of my secret desires. I guess I’m still a newbie. That sucks. I thought I had some clout. Well, I DID get ripped by TheLochNessHump, but since he’s a newbie himself, I don’t think that counts.

So you all can just kiss my poopchute.
[sub]THAT oughta get 'em upset enough to flame me in THE PIT[/sub]

11

Newbies are always welcome. Most folks are appropriately civil, but beware, to some you are just “fresh meat” – you’ll have to be able to defend hourself.

And for what it’s worth, NEVER enter the PIT or Great Debates without getting your facts straight. The board does show you with only nine posts… :wink:

12

:: slaps self silly and apologizes ::

I read the thread’s post count as the OP’s.

:: considers new thread, “What’s the most foolish statement you’ve ever posted?” ::
sigh…

13

Another newbie enters the pit and asks - Steve Buscemi style -: “What **is ** it with this board? Your questions don’t get answers unless there’s some fucking big fuckerty FUCK in it?”

“You can’t be civil, but use a lot of cuntwords and whatever more naughty trivia you can think of?”

"Moderators are demi-gods and are fucking always right? "

"… *Newbie gets shot- Steve Buscemi style-.

14

It doesn’t count. The denizens set Lochness on fire, doused him down with disdain and then Lynn thumped him dead in the head with a big ole’ BANNED mark.

It all happened so quickly I didn’t even have time to get my marshmellows out of the bag.

I consider myself a denizen of the pit, and I’ve never been ripped into. But I also hang out in Great Debates, so it’s probably only a matter of time. But I don’t consider myself a newbie anymore. I’ve been posting for a year now and I lurked for six months before that.

15

Ahhh, post count. length of time on the board, length of lurking, makes no matter. Very, very few Pitizens have missed the newly ripped one, myself included. Mine happened only a few months of my first post, resulting from a post in MPSIMS. Of course in the old days you could count on true Dopers to either defend you or join in the ripping, depending on if it was deserved. They ran the guy out of the Pit completely, and soon off the board.
On the board today, you can never tell which way it will go. But believe me it will go, sooner or later.

16

No shame in that. It’s happened to me, too.

17

So you’re saying I’m doomed? You wouldn’t happen to know where I’m vulnerable would you? Am I bit too cryptic? A bit too rambling? Too far off my rocker? I GOTTA know how and when they are going to come for me!

I bet it will be because I’m a bit too unknown. I mean it’s one thing to be known by all as a jerk but far worse to be an unknown jerk. That means you’re not even good at it. You’re just some mediocre jerk. Yeah, that’s gotta be bad for the ole’ self-esteem…

Are you sure they won’t just pass me by?

18

Hey! I’m a newbie!