A Panel of Experts Solves All the Worlds Woes!

Great Debates
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Here in Great Debates, just a few threads away, we have some of the world’s foremost experts on various subjects. Surely these experts can work together, debating hot issues to develop solutions to the problems plaguing humanity. Who is more qualified to address the concerns of our species than

The Libertarian Objectivist Christian
The Aging Rock Star
The Brit Bloke
The Irish Bloke
The Teenager
The Mormon Gal
The Gay Guy
The Commie Bastard and
The Closeted Bisexual Guy

Such a complete representation of humanity has never before been assembled (just play along, mkay?). Every demographic is spoken for and socioeconomic theories from every corner of the globe are presented. Let these perfect representatives of the people speak true and finally steer us on a proper course!

The unenforceable rules of this thread are very simple. Only experts may participate. A poster becomes an expert only after he of she has successfully maintained an “Ask the _____” thread that has not been scuttled by the god . . . er, mods for at least one day.

The topics of extreme import, which these experts might discuss, include but are not limited to the following:

  1. Coke vs. Pepsi.
  2. Individual freedoms vs. an individual’s social responsibilities for the propagation of the species as they relate to the legal status of abortion procedures in the United States.
  3. Is brown, in fact, the new black?
  4. Church and State: A hard separation vs. a little bit of mingling.
  5. Crepes: Fruit vs. Meat
  6. Equal marriage rights for same sex couples vs. the preservation of the institution of marriage as a means of procreation.
  7. My dad vs. your dad.
  8. Whatever else the panel deems important.

These intellectual giants and representatives of the common man have been assembled at long last. We the people eagerly await news of your judgments and conclusions.

Help us, please!

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:smiley:
great thread Tymp

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Hear, hear! It’s about time this kind of round table was convened. I, the Gay Guy, will, of course, confer with my colleages. {puts on black graduation robe and clears throat like an old professor about to make a speech}

Now, then, let’s start with your list:

1. Coke vs. Pepsi.

Coke, I’m afraid. Young Pepsi is nothing but a wanna-be upstart. Gotta stick with the classics.

2. Individual freedoms vs. an individual’s social responsibilities for the propagation of the species as they relate to the legal status of abortion procedures in the United States.

I will reference a rousing speech given by presidential candidate Bob Dole (whose form, at the time, had been assumed by the alien Kang):

Dole: Abortions for all!
Crowd: Booo!
Dole: Alright - abortions for none!
Crowd: Booo!
Dole: Alright - abortions for some, tiny American flags for everyone!
Crowd: Hooray!

3. Is brown, in fact, the new black?

Oh, puh-lease. Brown is so last season. Black is black is black, honey - basic, bold and beautiful. Get some in your wardrobe. This year’s hot fashion, however, is fur!

4. Church and State: A hard separation vs. a little bit of mingling.

You keep your church out of my bedroom, I won’t have sex on your altar.

5. Crepes: Fruit vs. Meat

Meat. Fruits and vegetables are verboten.

6. Equal marriage rights for same sex couples vs. the preservation of the institution of marriage as a means of procreation.

I think my record speaks for itself on this issue.

7. My dad vs. your dad.

Puh-lease. My dad’s 73, just had his bladder removed, was in the hospital for 3 months, and my mother, who is ten years younger than him, is still pooped by mid-afternoon while he’s still working on his boat until sunset.

8. Whatever else the panel deems important.

My sex life is very important, so let’s discuss… Oh, sorry. Dr. Boyfriend’s here. (We’ll talk later… ;))

And how do my esteemed colleagues weigh in on these important issues?

Esprix, The Gay Guy

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Just want to be emailed about this puppy.

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I have now posted formal invitations to each of the Experts respective threads. True enlightenment and salvation are just moments away.

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I can’t bnelieve you’re ant Fruits Esprix. Shame on you. Of all peope, I would think you would be pro fruits. :wink:

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:0

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Well, some Mormons would say neither. However, if your going for the best caffeine free product, Coke. To paraphrase Andy Warhol “Everybody is equal when we are drinking a Coke.”

The stance of the Church is that abortion is WRONG. However, if a woman feel she must have an abortion, she is encouraged to discuss it with her Bishop,fast, pray, and seek personal revelation. If it’s a case of incest or rape,especially incest, I have heard some women are basically given the OK by the church.
Personally, I think it’s none of my business. If a woman wants to have an abortion, then there’s nothing stopping her. If it’s against God’s laws, then he will take care of it. It’s not my responsibility.

Nothing can replace the elegence, beauty, and simplicity that is black.

If people weren’t people, I would definately say a little bit of mingling. But because the people in this nation are so incredibly diverse, seperation needs to be strict. I would feel uncomfortable having any religion shoved down my throat in any way by any government, even if it’s my own.

Fruit

Again, my beliefs are almost completely opposite than those of the Church.
The LDS Church wants to preserve the institution of marriage, beteen men and women. I don’t blame them. In the LDS Church marriage is KEY for entering heaven, and there are few things more sacred than marriage in the Church.
My own personal views, I say legally anybody who wants to be recgonized as wed should have that privilage. Basically, I think in the eyes of the law, same sex marriage should be recgonized. But I agree that no marriage should be recgonized by the Mormon Church unless it’s between a man and a woman and should be sealed in the Temple.

My dad’s not that great, though he’s pretty cool. I mean, he puts material things ahead of me, but at least they are cool material things like Harleys, Computers, TVs, and Cars.

9

Um, well, libertarianism specifically prohibits the assumption of authority to solve other people’s problems, but since you’ve explicity invited me, these are my opinions:

  1. Coke vs. Pepsi.

Pepsi, hands down.

  1. Individual freedoms vs. an individual’s social responsibilities for the propagation of the species as they relate to the legal status of abortion procedures in the United States.

Individual freedom from coercion.

  1. Is brown, in fact, the new black?

No. Brown is dark yellow, i.e., red and green.

  1. Church and State: A hard separation vs. a little bit of mingling.

How will you ever separate the Church politicians from the State ones?

  1. Crepes: Fruit vs. Meat

Fruit.

  1. Equal marriage rights for same sex couples vs. the preservation of the institution of marriage as a means of procreation.

Guess.

  1. My dad vs. your dad.

My dad for me, your dad for you.

  1. Whatever else the panel deems important.

As a 1960s protest crowd chant, “Hell no, we won’t go!” was superior to “Down with the American imperialist capitalist fascist pigs, waging war against the innocent Vietnamese people!”

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  1. Coke vs. Pepsi:
    Whatever’s in the house.

  2. Abortion:
    Not a good thing, not a good thing at all.

  3. Brown isn’t black. Black is black. Black is also cool.

  4. Church and State:
    Hey, they pray before a session of Congress. . .no one has really rallied against that before (at least not enough to get it taken away).

  5. Crepes:
    Fruit. Fruit is good.

  6. Marriage rights:

  1. My dad. Definitely. Against all yours. At the same time.
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This thread is nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt at the usual corporatist bullshit which already affects out systems with sequential expert solutions until they shatter or rot. That being the case, as a non-definite-articled netizen, I will now inject my democratically expressed opinion as to the issues faced by our net’ion, as a technique of popular protest against the corporatist definite-articled regime.

  1. Coke vs. Pepsi.

Neither. Why the hell would you want to drink brown chemicals anyway?

  1. Individual freedoms vs. an individual’s social responsibilities for the propagation of the species as they relate to the legal status of abortion procedures in the United States.

Women are not brood mares for the state.

  1. Is brown, in fact, the new black?

No.

  1. Church and State: A hard separation vs. a little bit of mingling.

Hard separation. Whenever the church has mingled with the state, the result has been disaster, from the Dark Ages to the Religious Right to the Duplessis Orphans to (just now) the Shas trying to destroy the Israëli peace process.

  1. Crepes: Fruit vs. Meat

Fruit.

  1. Equal marriage rights for same sex couples vs. the preservation of the institution of marriage as a means of procreation.

I disagree with the state institution of marriage in general, but as long as it exists, we have an equal right to it.

  1. My dad vs. your dad.

Your dad, I’m sure.

  1. Whatever else the panel deems important.

Corporatism vs. humanism: Humanism.

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Tymp wrote:

How could you forget:

The Magic 8-Ball

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For those of you keeping score at home, I will now summarize the findings of our panel of experts. None of this represents in any way a final decision on the part of the panel as we are still waiting for some panel members to weigh in with their expert views.

  1. Gay Guys and Mormon Gals prefer Coke. Libertarian Objectivist Christians prefer Pepsi. Teenagers take a firm stance of unwavering apathy. Novice Canadian Humanists don’t give a rat’s ass what you corpratist bastards disguise your article-grubbing schemes as. They apparently add that you can take that can of carbonated yak vomit and shove it up you classist little butt!

  2. teenagers won’t stand for abortion. Novice Canadian Humanists will not stand for the propagation of the species within the United States. Mormon Gals will not accept responsibility for your abortion. Libertarian Objectivist Christians will not be coerced into aborting their individual freedom to take responsibility for the propagation of the species. Gay Guys vote for Dole. I knew there’d be a few surprises in this thread.

  3. Brown has never been, is not now, and will never be black.

  4. Gay Guys, Mormon Gals, Libertarian Objectivist Christians, and Novice Canadian Humanists advocate a hard separation between church and state. Libertarian Objectivist Christians point out that church and state are both going to hell in a hand basket either way. Teenagers don’t see a problem with the way things are right now.

  5. Fruit is almost unanimously accepted as the proper thing to have with crepes with the exception of Gay Guys who dig meat. (Personal Note: I’m with oldscratch here in that I never would have seen this comin’.)

  6. Gay Guys, Mormon Gals, Libertarian Objectivist Christians and Novice Canadian Humanists support equal marriage rights for same sex couples under the law of society. Novice Canadian Humanists also suggest that the institution of marriage go the way of carbonated yak vomit. Teenagers own dictionaries.

  7. Gay Guys, Libertarian Objectivist Christians and Teenagers have pretty tough dads. Mormon Gals’ dads don’t have time for these petty, juvenile competitions because they’ve got more important stuff to do right now, OK? Novice Canadian Humanists like my dad. (I’ll send him email right now to let him know.)

Other things we have learned thus far are outlined below:

  • Gay guys have more interesting and eventful sex lives than anyone else, at least in their own minds.
  • Mormon Gals dig Harleys (Note to self for future reference . . .)
  • Libertarian Objectivist Christians are not easily amused by my little thread.
  • Teenagers don’t always elaborate much.
  • Novice Canadian Humanists cannot be trusted to follow the rules. Now there’s a shocker.

Other points of interest have not yet been discussed adequately to merit inclusion in this first summary.

Stay tuned for further updates as events warrant.

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Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.

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Great, as the W.M.U.M.C.S.C.T I wasn’t even invited (not to mention the perjorative comments concerning the magic 8-ball)

This being a free forum, I will inflict both viewpoints upon you.

First as THE white male upper middle-class somewhat conservative taxpayer:

::Looks around the room.::

Hmmmm. THat long-haired freak in the stretch pants must be the rock star. Geez, you think he’d get a real job by now.

That guy over there in fatigues and a beret talking ernestly to the drunken red-haired guy must be the commie bastard and Irishmen respectively. Yeah, I must be right. that English bloke is looking pretty nervous. Is that a bomb they’re building? Wonder what they are going to do with it?
Over there is some pimple-faced kid trying to come on to that girl, but she keeps glancing over at the rock-star guy. Lots of luck kid!

Hey these guys look pretty normal, not like these other freaks. I’ll go over here and talk to them.

"Hey guys, where can I get a beer? Great. Thanks. What the hell are WE NORMAL FOLK doing over here with this crowd of weirdos? Oh. I gotta fill out this form, ok?

let’s see, Coke’s better than Pepsi, though I wonder what kinda coke that long-haired freak thinks we’re talking about. Ha ha ha.

Abortion? Well You gotta take responsibility for your actions, you know? On the other hand I son’t think anybody oughtta be forced to carry a baby they don’t want. A baby’s a real blessing though, my wife and I had to try for five years. How anybody could choose to throw away an innocent life is beyond me though.

Is brown the new black? What is this? I don’t get it. Are they trying to trick me into saying I’m prejudiced or something?

Church and state? Gotta keep 'em seperated. Says so in the Constitution, don’t it?

Crepe? What the hell is a crepe. Probably some kind of food for that long-haired queer guy over there, Right? Har! Har! Har! Whoo knows what THEIR kind eat, right? Get it? Har har har.

WHat are you looking at me that way for?

Equal marriage rights for gays? Well, I guess if one of those guys wants to dress up as a bride or something, it’s ok with me, right? Har har har.

Why do you two keep looking at me like that? What’s the matter with you?

:Glances down at list::

OK Check check check check check.

Hey guys I wonder who this “Gay guy,” and “Bisexual Guy” are. I’ll have to remember to watch my mouth around those two. Mustn’t offend now, right?

Hey wait a minute!

Shit!

Hey take your hands off of me. My father’s a recon marine and Vietnam Vet, he’ll kick your ass!

Hey! Wait! Ouch! Crap that hurt. Ok ok I guess I deserved that. You didn’t have to hit me so hard though.

Maybe I’ll just hang out with this intense looking guy over here. Hey is that Atlas Shrugged? Where’d you find that thing. I remember having to read every page of that horrible thing back in High School. I don’t know what kind of idiot buys into that crap.

Hey!

Ouch! Watch how you swing that Bible! Ouch! Crap!

Hey, you with the guitar! Stop laughing and get this crazy fool off of me! Ouch!

Fine. I’ll just sit here and play with my magic 8-ball.

Buncha weirdos!

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Well, I feel enlightened.

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I’m such a fool! How could I have forgotten The White Male Upper Middle-Class Somewhat Conservative Taxpayer?!

A thousand apologies, Scylla. I’m very pleased to see that you are not boycotting the panel on account of my grievous and insulting mistake. Thanks for staying consistent, too. it wouldn’t do at all to have The White Male Upper Middle-Class Somewhat Conservative Taxpayer getting along famously with the balance of the panel.

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The fact that gay guys prefer meat suprises you?
Okay guys I know you can all add two and two. Put it together.

See, yet another reason not to start a Poly thread. One because I fit nicely with Chefs’ thread, and two I hate filling out forms.

BTW ROTFLMAO Scylla! Good show!

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Being the token Somewhat Conservative, Lower-middle class, Undereducated and Severly Underemployed Staying at Home Southern Dad, I’ll chime in and hope no one laughs at me.

oh yeah, I’m an expert on how I think. I think.

  1. Coke. Pepsi is malted battery acid with 2x the sugar.
    2.abortion is a rotten form of birth control.
  2. Give me a break, I had enough Brown in the 70’s.
  3. the Government is heading down the highway to hell in the fast lane anyway…
  4. I prefer cold pizza, ham sandwitches and cold chicken.
  5. I’m still old fasioned and think marrage should mean something.
  6. I’ll take my Dad, thank you.