So three Christians stumble into an arena…
A Roman citizen overheard three Christians at a public bath laughing about the Barbarian invasion of March Idus.
“If people thought March Idus was something, wait until March Lupe.”
“Do you think it will come down?”
“Well, if it doesn’t come down, I know Paulus. We can pray enough to bring it down.”
Patriot Barabas of Judea carved their likenesses into a tablet of clay and notified the Centurion as the mirthful Christians departed. (I’d give you names, but they’re too convoluted. There’s a reason they constantly change them.) Despite the revolt hysteria that is sweeping the Empire, soldiers did not rush out and start rounding up Jews. They interrogated Barabas in person to evaluate his social status and determine whether he was worth believing.
That evening, shortly after midnight, one of the two asses being ridden by the Christians balked at a guard’s order to stop - at least according to everyone but these innocent lambs. Roman soldiers soon descended on their asses. According to accounts in the Rome Guardian, the men were uncooperative, gazing at the sky and calling out the name of their god (they have only one), refused to answer basic questions, gave cryptic information, and told contradictory stories. A bronze-sniffing jackal reacted to the presence of weapons on both asses. After a careful search that shut down the trade of Proximus for less than the entire day, no weapons were found and the men were released.
Naturally, therefore, the men and their cohorts they call disciples accused Romans, especially those in Judea, of being ignorant barbarians. “Just because of the way we pray or the way we live our lives, we are persecuted,” said the mother of one. Demonstrating her own civility, she explained the entire incident by saying, “Unfortunately, they bothered to take a bath.” No barbarism in that.
It is interesting that the Christians’ denial of Barabas’s account was instantly and universally treated as having the same credibility as Hadrian’s denying that he had a sexual affair with Antinous. Even the Christian Agnostics simply assume these men are lying. The Christians now say they didn’t do it. Their defenders say they were being rhetorical. (Who knew the Religion of Love was so condescending? Did you hear the one about the Messiah who cursed the fig tree?)
By my count, the Christians have given at least IV versions of their story. Barabas has given one consistent story. He has been interrogated by Roman torturers, and is corroborated by other witnesses.
According to the Caldonian Pillar, the Four Horsemen first told guards that they did it intentionally. Barabas, they said, was looking at their private parts in a way they found offensive. So they decided to rebuke him. Just a few seasons after the Barbarian invasions, evidently it is rude to notice four Christian men stripping off their Jewish garb.
Next, the Christians told criers that Barabas had “put a little passum and hortense in his story.” A stunned Judean crier blurted out, “Passum and hortense?” He reminded them of what Barabas had heard them say. “Truly, he is risen,” came the cryptic reply.
Third, they tried the Crazed Warrior defense - used to great effect by Republicans during the reign of Tiberius. One of the Christians arrogantly demanded to know “how many other people have heard us give our testimony?” Well, at least one other person. Barabas’s slave was there and he heard the conversation exactly the same way. He just thought the men were talking about the Egyptian god, Osiris. (The Christians might want to try the Hadrian “he just wants to live in the palace” defense.)
Fourth, the Christians leapt to their very favorite explanation, the one they haul out at the slightest provocation for almost any occasion: the violence loving Romans were victimizing them. In a stirring sermon, one of the Jews advised Romans to “hear the word of God and repent before you die in your sins!”
Yes, it’s manifestly absurd for anyone to believe that Christians might subvert slaves and children. In point of fact, it is only by not listening that Romans are deluded into spouting the Greek-Boyism about Christianity being a “religion of love”. Actually, listening would provide scores of examples to the contrary from this past season alone.
While I could be sitting on my laurels - my wine is yet only half empty - it now appears their final answer is: They were talking about a holy specter. They said nothing about the Idus of March or the Lupe of March, but the “it will come down” blasphemy referred to an apparition that will descend from their heaven and become a parasite inside their bodies. This occured to them only after meeting with their elders. Oh, okay.
No Patricians or Equestrians have even bothered to inquire into the “ghost” story further. No one believes them, so what’s the point? It would be like chasing down Anthony to ask if Cleopatra was really a Roman at heart.
Non-insurrectionist Christians are crying wolf when they play these games - talking about giant angels in the sky destroying Roman cities, inciting revolt among slaves, and spending hours together chanting prayers to their god. Intentionally or not, they are giving the next crazed Messiah grounds to rise up.
Instead of preying on Rome’s hatred of barbarism, these aspiring Plebeians should capitalize on Rome’s capacity for civility, admit that they enjoy becoming drunk in naked bath orgies, and stop telling lies.
