Does DUI count? I’d wager most people who drink and have drivers’ licenses have (knowingly or unknowingly) operated a motor vehicle while over the legal limit at least once.
Excellent point, and it should. Which means I answered wrong, as I certainly drove drunk a few times in my stupider youth.
I got pinched for Criminal Mischief once when I was 13 (me and a couple of my idiot friends broke a lock off a switch on some railroad tracks and threw it).
There were a couple of times as a young adult, when I was dead broke and hungry, when I shoplifted cans of tuna from a supermarket. I also stole cigarettes a time or two (this was in the days when they just left them out unguarded in grovery stores), and I once got busted trying to steal a tape from a record store. I pled guilty, and paid a fine and that was the end of my criminal career. This was all well over 20 years ago. I’ve been straight as an arrow ever since.
As a child and young teen I used to steal, rather a lot, from my parents - both food and, later, money. Then I discovered atheistic morality, and stopped. (It would have been nice if I hadn’t had to figure that out myself, but my parents don’t know any kind of morality that’s not based on imaginary figures.) Regardless, no charges were filed.
I’ve posted about it before, but when I was 18, I went to a Radio Shack and bought a 28.8K modem for $220. Had to split it because I only had $200 in cash, so I wanted to put the rest on a debit card. The store clerk rang up the $20 on the card, went to the back to get a bag for the modem, handed it to me, and off I went. I was halfway out the door before I realized I still had the $200 in cash. And I just kept going.
I don’t think I’ve ever done anything remotely like that since.
Oh, crap. Clicked before reading any posts and forgot the recreational drug use in college. Actually, when I submitted papers for my first security clearance, I freely admitted to smoking marijuana in college. After all, I’d been in college in the late 70s in Los Angeles; I couldn’t imagine anyone saying they hadn’t done likewise. Turns out that (a) there were a fair number of people who didn’t, and (b) my answer was rather atypical at the time. So for several years, I got some teasing as the guy who smoked dope in college, but on the other hand, I could freely relate stories that began with, “Once, I was SOOOOO stoned that I …” And no one could one-up me…
I was a very rowdy teen. Many burglaries, some robberies, a few smash and grabs, lots of shoplifting, and some assaults. Also when I was 16ish I brandished an unloaded revolver at a woman and took her purse. I would have just snatched it but I had hurt my ankle jumping over a puddle the day before.
I was arrested only once, at 16, for assault. I was “questioned” about a couple of the burglaries but this was Brooklyn in the 50s so my father just payed the cop a “fee” and they let me go.
Once I moved out of that environment I changed completely. Squeaky clean until I was picked up for public intoxication in the early 90s. These days I feel bad about taking too many free refills of coffee.
Which is ironic because if you get life you’d very probably be doing blowjobs. 
Male, 30s. Shoplifted as a kid a couple of times but my main sources of criminality have been breaking lots of no-group-sex/gross indecency laws that were in place in the UK to stop gay men having any fun (it was at one point illegal for two men to have sex with each other in a property if there was anyone else present, even if they were in another room). Going to sex clubs is technically against the law too I think as it’s public nudity and/or sex. However most of those laws have no been repealed so I don’t think they really count any more.
I don’t really count myself as a criminal.
Getting to Ireland for a month there at age 15, on the first afternoon of our first day there we headed to the nearest mall to get the “shopping for gifts” out of the way as much as possible.
We got treated like thieves, threatened and otherwise and generally insulted by the owner of one of the stores there. During the following weeks, we didn’t carry the walls of his store outside because they wouldn’t go through the mall’s doors…
Following the OP’s definitions I figure I’m a criminal, gosh!
When I was about fifteen, I (along with my brother, step-brother, and step-sister) vandalized an empty (but brand new) house. We didn’t get caught.
We also stole a golf cart and went joyriding in it, breaking the windshield. That time, we did get caught, but the owners declined to press charges. Our parents paid the cost of the broken windshield and made our lives hell for a few months. And by “our”, I mean just my brother and I. Our step-siblings went home to their mom scot-free.
How about driving while intoxicated? Nobody ever did that?
Please note posts 41 & 42.
Wait, so the owner thought you were criminals… and as it happened, he was totally right? 
As mentioned by silenus, due to some of the brilliant decisions the legislative geniuses made as to what should be classed as “felonies” in the Code, my answers make my life look ten times more exciting than it was and like I should be a magnet for all the hot chicks who dig Bad Boys…
Revenge crime. “You think I’m a shoplifter? I’ll show you shoplifting!”
Noted. Missed that the first time.
Disclaimer: I am a much better person now than I was. I was a real asshole back in the day and a complete drug addict. I like my life now and have chilled out from such behavior. Mostly because of drugs and whatever.
Crimes:
Bought drugs: Marijuana, Cocaine, Crack, Crystal Meth, LSD, Hashish. (Note: I do not do cocaine, meth or other hard drugs anymore.) I have sold small amounts of marijana to friends, but not a dealer (too much risk from the Pigs.)
Driven drunk numerous times.
Been in car chases with other people and once with the cops (cops got me, reckless driving. They tried to pin a DUI on me, but their machine fortunately did not work.)
Driven without insurance. I hate insurance and hated paying for the shit, so I didn’t. I was from a state that did not ask for it until about 10 years ago. Now I live in another country and do not drive (Yea! I hate driving!)
Hit a guy with my car drunk. I honestly believe that the guy I hit was a street dealer who I bought some rocks from. I got away but was real paranoid. Foolishly went down to that neighborhood to ask around if anyone was found dead or badly hurt. Luckily, I got away with that scot clean, I could of been sent to the penitentary for that one.
I have a bench warrant in Las Vegas for non payment of a reckless driving charge from 1993. (not for hitting the street dealer) Moved out of Las Vegas and never been back. Been arrested since, but for some reason, the warrant never came up, so there was not much need to fix it, since my home was 1700 miles away from Vegas. (For the record, Las Vegas is the fetid asshole of the USA)
Drove a car using drugs (crack cocaine, marijuana and LSD)
Flew a plane drunk twice. Second time was at night during a kegger at college when a guy I just met wanted to go, and went. Some shitass in the sky stated I cut him off and turned me in to the FAA. FAA busted me for 6 months (didn’t know I was drunk, that would of been some federal time.) For the record, my father was a pilot and he more or less forced me to learn how to fly and actually gave me a lot of shit if I didn’t fly. Personally, I hate fucking airplanes and haven’t flown one in over 25 years. Long story that is neither here nor there.
Flew a plane and allowed my friend to smoke a joint in the cockpit.
Smuggled small amounts of marijuana for personal use through airports and international boundries.
Stole a car for a joyride in South Korea (again, drunk)
Shoplifted (was caught once and have an adult record for it.)
Broke into a car once, drunk.
Vandalism.
Engaging in prostitution. (I am married to a lovely woman and do not do that now. I know where the hookers are and am happy to show someone who is in real need of a blow job or a good time.)
Threatened people with death and bodily harm.
Forged checks from my parents bank account.
Stolen gasoline. (I was broke from drugs.)
Deficated in a urinal of a convenience store because the clerk was a big sow.
For the record, I am a college graduate and not a bad guy. Why did I do all this shit? Probably because I hated my life, I hated my family, I hated society, and honestly, really and truly
didn’t give a shit.
I guess you could say I was “depressed”. A girl I really liked in high school did not like me at all (and I STILL think about her 26 years later). I was not a popular student in high school or college. My peers would call me “Barney Rubble” “Skunthead” or “Schmedley” I just had my 25th high school anniversary and I am still so fucking mad at these motherfuckers that I would kill them if I could get away with that. When someone shoots up a school or a place of business, I understand completely. I don’t agree with it, and feel sorry for the families, but I understand. You fuck with someone different for so long, that person will feel hopeless. They will think of suicide, but on second thought might think “why should I die alone? Why not take a few people with me?” I understand. Instead of shooting kids or innocent shoppers, I was a one man crime wave. (But, in the immortal words of John Astin from the TV show ‘Night Court’, "I am much better now.“）
You see these other people who have shit, girls, money, popularity, a good job, all the pieces are together and you wonder, what does that Piece of Shit have that I don’t? Why can’t that girl in school love me?
I went through a fraternity rush and of about 10 houses, only two of the worst ones offered me a bid. My father tried to push me into his career field that I had no interest in (he wanted me to be an airline pilot, not only that, the asshole made me join the ROTC. I hated that ROTC shit and quit after a year. Of course, my father saw this as a slight against him and thinking of me as lazy. I have never thought that my talents were ever discovered or properly utilized. I have always felt by society as somewhat being “less than” or unworthy, and there is pain there.
For awhile, I was in Alcoholics Anonymous, and thought their philosophies were total lame brain crap. What pisses me off is that the medical/phychological and addiction professionals have done nothing to further research and development of addiction cures and treatment. I got nothing from AA. I do not have a disease. I am not powerless. My relationship with God is personal and my own. If nothing else, AA has made people MORE sick than before.
All in all, I am lucky that I did not go to prison. I do not engage in most behaviors above. I still do drink to drunkenness about once a week. I do smoke marijuana. I like marijuana. Fuck the laws in the ass on that one. I do not drive, I walk or take public transportation. I do not fly anymore. I occasionally pilfer small shit. I don’t go to hookers anymore, but I don’t see anything morally or ethically wrong with buying pussy. I still hate American society, but I no longer live in the USA, so I don’t have to scrape by. If I was home and unemployed with no hope of finding decent employment, I would be out stealing and scamming. Still today, I only love my wife and I like myself. Most of you proles can go to hell and suck Satan’s cock.
Long post!
Pathetic as it is, I think the only crime I’ve committed as an adult is contravening the smoking ban. Once by accident, and once on purpose.
Every other petty crime is based on doing things as a minor e.g. drinking.
I text while driving sometimes!
I have also been known to text while driving! I have had one DUI and a Disorderly Conduct (not in the same incident).
I did the usual shoplifting of the candy bars and such when I was young, but I didn’t chose ‘minor offences as an adult’ because the drugs one was left out of the equation.
I don’t know whether driving while legally intoxicated counts. I haven’t done THAT in decades, but I distinctly remember one occasion where I was the soberest one in the group and drove when I knew I probably shouldn’t. (I’m a lightweight, so two or three drinks for me is probably more than enough to be illegal, but at the bar, it was relatively sober compared to everyone else drinking pitcher after pitcher )
But if I ever go to jail for something, it’s gonna be for something really worth it, not something petty. 'cause I am not ever going to jail, period.