A question about alcohol consumption, *TMI warning*

Alright, this is kind of a weird question but it was prompted by a Stephen Colbert monologue I recently saw. I’m gonna put it in spoilers because I think it’s fairly sensitive so if you are a bit squeemish, turn away now!

[spoiler]I heard that some teenagers were using tampons soaked in vodka, inserted vaginally or rectally to get drunk. This has several purported advantages…

  1. Gets you drunk faster and more intensely
  2. You won’t throw up from drinking too much
  3. Your body won’t absorb any calories, so it’s good for dieters
  4. It will mask the scent of alcohol on your breath to some extent

Now I know that 1 is true, 2 is true but dangerous because you can die from alcohol enemas BECAUSE your body has no way to get rid of the extra alcohol, and 4 is basically untrue because alcohol is dissipated through the lungs anyway so it’s going to smell on your breath. But what about 3? Would your body not absorb any of the calories in alcohol? Is this claim true, partially true, or patently false?[/spoiler]

GAWD, that’s got to sting like a sonofabitch!

If the alcohol is getting into your body and being metabolized, you’ve got calories. Thinking that stuff can only contain calories if you swallow it sure shoots a hole into IV nutrition.

Man, even room temp alcohol is cold stuff. OW.

If you saw it on Colbert, it’s probably because it was already discussed here.