A question about anal sex..

Factual Questions
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How does one distinguish between a heterosexual and a homophobe? A few times in my life, homosexuals have made advances towards me. Since I’m heterosexual, I found these advances disgusting. Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t think so, at least not any more than an attractive woman who is repulsed by the unwanted advances of an unattractive man is a homely-ophobe.

A homophobe would be a person who has an irrational fear of homosexuals and radically changed their behavior to avoid homosexual situations. For instance, refusal to use public bathrooms… of course, If George Michaels is inside, then maybe it’s not so irrational…

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My understanding was that he could understand how someone could be homosexual, but that he couldn’t understand how a homosexual could enjoy anal sex…and not because is was “anal” but because it was a man’s anus. Admittedly this is a curious position to take, but I stand by my interpretation for the purpose of the arguments I was making. It is quite possible Jimbo’s friend feels quite differently than any of us have assumed. – Furthermore, I would argue that being ‘disgusted by’ homosexuality IS homophobic. That definition puts a lot of reasonable people in an unflattering category, but consider someone who can’t imagine how anyone could have intercourse with a Turk. “Of course, the Turks do it all the time, and I’m not Turkish people, but it’s just different with non-Turks” – This person is more than just expressing a personal preference, he’s questionaing the ability of a class of people to equal his superior judgement. Try the OP again and see if it fits both ways. (no pun intended)

[I edited to fix the quote tags. -manhattan]

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Dystopos, you’re still equating not understanding how gay males can have anal sex (which is basically saying “I don’t understand how a man can be gay.”) with homophobia. And the OP didn’t say anything about the friend being “disgusted” with homosexuality.

I feel the same way. I don’t understand how gay men can have anal sex, be gay, etc but that’s because I’M NOT GAY. But that doesn’t make me a homophobe.

Getting back to the OP’s question. As far as understanding how straight men can enjoy anal sex with a woman and can’t even think about 2 men doing it without shuddering, I don’t know. Call me what you will but I feel the same way.

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Some people label everyone who views gay activities with any distaste at all as homophobes, while others reserve the term for people with reactions such as you’ve described and worse. Personally, I think the term has been bandied about too much and applied too loosely. It runs the risk of being devalued as a useful term if it is applied too widely.

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You are completely right. If left to my preferences I would use whatever term most accurately fit the conditions regardless of the positive or negative connotation. I would use ‘homophobe’ here because someone with the irrational views (and by irrational I mean irrational. I don’t mean stupid or indefensible or wrong) that Jimbo described would tend not to recognize homosexuals as equals. People tend to fear what they don’t understand and I don’t recognize a rational handicap to imagining that homosexuals love thier partners with generally the same feelings and instincts as I love mine. To not ‘understand’ homosexual intimacy in this sense is, to my way of thinking, characteristic of a homophobe.

This said, I wouldn’t judge someone who felt this way. Nothing is more natural than ignorance, even as we try to eliminate it. I have moments of homophobia myself, especially in this widest of senses, certainly. If this weakens the political value of the label ‘homophobe’ I apologize to the people for whom it is more useful than it is to me.

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Arnold, I believe I saw that other thread, and I believe I backed you up. I said something to the effect that distaste for incest is a cultural value, not biological. Think with your hormones, not your head. Yes, I have a sister, and I admit to having harbored thoughts about her. I also had thoughts about my mom (gasp - Freud was right?), teachers, women at church, and pretty much any other attractive female I encountered. It’s called being a horny teen male. That is not to say, however, that I ever did anything to pursue the above thoughts. They were fantasies, pure and simple. (Well, maybe not pure. :wink: )

I maintain that it is normal and healthy for a boy to think about his sister sexually. He may not admit that to anyone else, ever, but I submit that it happens all the time. If she’s hot, he’s at least imagined it. The fact that incest does occur, and more than just with backwoods hillbilly rednecks, is proof that I am correct. [/hijack over]

Regarding the OP, I agree it seems very strange that he can find giving anal with his girlfriend enjoyable, but then cannot fathom men engaging in it. I think it may have something to do with a conceptualization of men being the “positives”, or externals, or doers - the ones who do the penetrating - and women as the “negatives”, or internals, or doees - the ones who get penetrated. Thus having anal with a woman is seen as acceptable because she is still on the receiving end - “Hey, what does it matter which hole, it’s all connected.” Whereas the men are perceived as shouldn’t be receiving, and thus it seems incompatible to have it happen. Thus somehow it is wrong.

As for the word homophobic in this situation, that is perhaps a bit of a stretch. Or maybe not. I suppose it depends on what you mean by the word. While it certainly is a case of having a preconception about the roles of men and women sexually, I do not think it necessarily involves a fear or hatred of gays. More like a perplexed state because of a preconceived notion. I suppose I do equate it to a bit of ignorance, but “homophobia”?

I will also make the distinction between someone who has no problem with men engaging in sex with each other but has no desire to participate and someone who finds the idea revolting, disgusting, shocking, or wrong. The first is a heterosexual - I like women, not men, so don’t expect me to participate, but if you like it I’m not going to stop you finding someone else who’s willing, just don’t make me watch. The second is a homophobe - Ew, how could you possibly do that, how disgusting, keep away from me or I’ll kick your ass - Kick , I said kick, not kiss, you sicko. I would accept that a person can find it strange or not understand how men can be attracted to each other without necessarily being a homophobe.

Let me ask this question, does that guy have a problem with the idea of two women having sex together, anal or otherwise? Or does he find that idea stimulating? I submit that if he can understand and appreciate women being lesbians, then it is an irrational fear on his part of having homosexual acts perpetrated on himself, perhaps (playing the amateur shrink here) masking a little homosexual desire on his part. But that’s the cliche.

Okay, do I win any points?

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‘How does one distinguish between a heterosexual and a homophobe?’

One can still be afraid of gay people yet not be a homophobe.

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‘How does one distinguish between a heterosexual and a homophobe?’

One can still be afraid of gay people yet not be a homophobe.
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Oddly enough, it is possible to be gay and be a homophobe. It’s called internalized homophobia, and typically those who have it will seek out ex-gay ministries.

Note: the term homphobia has expanded beyond just fear. It also refers to strong dislike or aversion. This has become an accepted enough usuage, that many dictionaries now include “dislike” and “aversion” within their definitions.

I think in most ways, homophobia is cultural. It’s not that a gay man would fears being hit on by or having sex with a man, but hates the fact that he wants it. It makes him “bad”, “perverted”, or “weak”.

As for the word becoming overused and losing it’s value, I think that has already happened. I groan whenever I see it pop into a debate. To me, it instantly kills whatever great points the poster has already made. Others will ignore on all else and focuse on the “homophobe” comment. To them calling names is either the act of a deperate man with no leg to stand on or the signs of a “spoiled brat” personality who doesn’t deserve to be accepted.

As for lesbians…well it’s acceptable in some male minds up to a certain point. That’s because many men think of lesbians as just keeping themselves occupied until a “real man” comes by. As soon as this example of studly manhood comes into the picture, they turn their attentions from each other and focus on him. So now he has two women for his pleasure, so it’s all good in his mind. Or at least, that has been explained to me by a few male friends.
Back to the OP (finally), I think the guy is uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality and is reluctanct to see your logic because it requires trying to see through the eyes of a gay man for a few minutes at least. It’s likely he’s insecure about his masculinity and worries about what would happen if he tries to see things from a gay perspective. I’m not saying that he has submerged homosexual feelings. More likely, he has been told enough that it’s a choice and that a mind can be lulled into changing it’s orientation.